Ten Things To Look For In 2000

September 20, 2000 (NHS) -- Okay, the 49ers are arguably the worst team in the NFL, they might not win a game, so gone is the usual daily overrating that went with the meaningless wins of old. The deodorant of winning is gone, and people are starting to see the 49ers through something less than bandwagon-colored glasses.

This is good news for 49er-Haters, because no longer do we have to slug it out in the trenches. Oh, sure, you'll get your typical Niner idiot popping up now and then trying to claim that Lance Schulters actually is a Pro Bowl talent, or how Rick Mirer is proving Bill Walsh a genius, but far and away this season will be require the least maintenance from a 49er-hating, truth-monitoring perspective. Besides, the last thing we want is to be accused of is kicking the Niners when they're down.

However, because we've been doing this since 1996, we are free to treat the 49ers as cruelly as we wish, and we can't very well just ignore the Problem completely. So here are some things a 49er-Hater should keep an eye on this season and a reminder that the 49er Problem isn't dead, it is just lying dormant, waiting for the chance to spring back to "best ever" life...

1. Will the overrated Mariucci be exposed?

The 49ers may be dirt, but there is still one huge overrated piece. Well, Jerry Rice will always make two, but we're talking Mooch here -- a.k.a. head coach Steve Mariucci -- you know, the "coach" who talks so much rah-rah all he's missing is the pompoms and skirt.

When he assumed the position, Maruicci's only credit to his resume read: "Good friend of Brett Favre when he was good". He has since added: "Won some meaningless NFC West games, never a meaningful win." Yet, amazingly, people include Mariucci among the list of serviceable NFL coaches and even go so far as to claim "he's done such a great job considering all the adversity he's faced."

Adversity? He was handed a playoff team in one of the weakest divisions in professional sports, and the cheesy playbook to boot. All he had to do was cruise along for the ride. OK, so last season they had to start lopping off salary cap heads, so what did Mooch do? Did he find some young talent to prepare for that inevitable day, or get that something extra out of his young players and prepare his team to play respectable football? No, he drove them straight into the crapper.

Mooch was given his job with no qualifications or accomplishment, and has since proven nothing, and yet, all the media feels fit to mention about him is his pathetic, so-called "optimism". Seriously, are we the only people to see through this song and dance?

What they call "optimism" is cornball Midwestern shtick. Because he has no concrete experience in football and has nothing of worth to say, all he can do is be a cheerleader. He throws in a bunch of "geewhiz", "heckuva" and "golly", and the media eats out of the palm of his hand. Are you kidding me?

Note to the duped media and fans: This isn't sincere optimism, it's an act. Bill Walsh appeared on KNBR talk radio on Sept. 7th and started speaking about Mooch. Couched in all of his superlatives, Walsh included the remark that Mariucci "wants very much to be liked by the public." Gee, ya think?

When it comes down to it, Mooch's only skill has been to get the media and public to buy his act. For example, talk-show host Ralph Barbieri, a KNBR Niner Smoocher, remarked in that same Sept. 7th show, "This team is transitional. Whatever goes down, you can't blame it on Mariucci."

And there you have it. Mooch has done nothing, proven nothing, and still has managed to absolve himself of any responsibility whatsoever. Perhaps we should just accept that 49er coaches never take blame, they just become more and more overrated (see: senile old Bill). If it was up to us, Mariucci would be on the street saying, "You got spare change? Swell, you heckuva fella!" so it bears watching if anyone will actually cut through to the truth about Mariucci this year.

2. Will the real Rice be exposed?

At the beginning of the season, the real Jerry Rice was being camouflaged in the guise of a classy, veteran team player, aging with dignity. His buddies at ESPN, FOX, etc., were all helping him craft an image of the best ever gutting it through a season with a dismal team, doing it for loyalty to the Niners and the love of the game. No surprise that the media was more than willing to be a coconspirator committed to rebuilding Rice's tarnished legacy with stories of his classy "new role as a teacher."

But already that Hollywood facade is cracking. Mr. Selfish mouthed-off like usual last week, hinting that because he supposedly wants to "give the younger players a chance", he's probably going to leave the 49ers for another team next year (read: jump off the sinking ship).

We're not going to go into all the reasons again why Rice's only claim to "best ever" should be in the department of whining, but so far, every selfish outburst he's engaged in has been met with the excuse that "it shows he's such a great competitor and only wants to win."

Will that sort of bilge continue? Will the media protect him as always, or will someone notice that the 49ers aren't winning, and yet, funny, Rice doesn't seem like he's upset about that?

What should become clear this season is that Rice doesn't care about the team winning -- never has -- all he cares about is him winning. So as long as the 49ers keep throwing at him, despite losing, Rice will be content, because he can add to his precious little stats, and people will remark, "Wow, Jerry is so great he can still get stats on such a bad team."

But watch out if Jeff Garcia starts going to more talented targets like Terrell Owens, J.J. Stokes, the waterboy, the guy who let the dogs out, etc., because the minute his stats run out, Jerry's nice guy act will run out.

3. How will the angry media react to their favorite team's losing?

While the 49er fans can simply go do all those "so many other great things to do in the Bay Area" (you know: the ones that excuse them from being hard-core fans), imagine the poor media. They are stuck. They have no choice -- sure, they can downplay it, but when push comes to shove, they have to write or say something about their favorite team now turned wretched -- and they are furious about it.

So, what will be their solution? How can they channel this anger into stroking their beloved Niners? First, of course, will be comparisons designed to perpetuate the 49er hold on the standard of greatness in the eyes of the media. For example, see how Dennis Miller already sold out on Monday Night Football, laughably comparing Kurt Warner to Joe Montana -- yes, we said comparing, not contrasting, as should be done (Warner relies on firing the ball deep in a talent-based offense, while Montana relied on dinking the ball off in a system-based offense). The point here being, the media will compare great players of today to the decrepit Niners of old in order to validate the latter's claim to the pathetic "best ever" opinion, no matter if it makes sense or not.

A second technique will be more of the "dynasty days" articles. You know, the ones that talk about how sad it is that all the great dynasties of old have disappeared in the NFL, then complain about the supposed mediocrity of today's NFL. Next time you see one, take a look at the byline and be darned if it wasn't written by a Bay Area reporter.

Of course, some other media will be more bold and simply throw out a Niner ass-kissing remark without any context whatsoever for it. A great example of this was Chris Mortensen's NFL preview on ESPNet. His article included everything you needed to know about the upcoming 2000 football season, the top players at each position -- and then the "Top 5 QBs of All Time", listing Joe Montana first, of course.

Did anyone stop to ask Mort what the hell the "Top 5 QBs of All Time" list was doing in a Year 2000 preview article? Did it have anything even remotely having to do with anything relevant about the upcoming season whatsoever? This was a season preview!! Last we checked, none of his supposed Top 5 are suiting up for Y2K. No, this was simply a knee-jerk reaction to the "scandal" of the Hall Of Fame committee naming Johnny Unitas as the greatest ever.

And that's a perfect example of this category: the angry media. They can't believe their 49er heroes are dead and buried, so they will go back to the well time and time again and wish for the glory days.

4. The scapegoat factor.

The awful state of the 49ers isn't the big story of 2000. The big thing for the Bandwagon will be deciding how it got so bad so quickly, and the convenient thing for the Bandwagon, as usual, will be to find a comfy scapegoat or two in which to place the blame.

First is the loss of Steve Young. In the eyes of the Bandwagon, Young would be enough to single-handedly keep the 49ers at a respectable level. This is, in a word, pathetic. Despite the 49er fans' notion that it's their birthright to have Montana and Young start every opening day, the fact that they did since 1981 was incredible luck, and to count on that as a given represents the warped mentality of the Bandwagon. In the real world, QBs get injured, old and ineffective, and need to be replaced more than once every ten years. The fact that the 49ers didn't use their decade to find a replacement for brittle old Young is disgusting, and to turn that into a scapegoat is weak sauce.

Next is our personal favorite: the mean old salary cap! This scapegoating is so popular, if Carmen Policy set foot in San Francisco these days, he'd be tarred and feathered, or perhaps the San Francisco equivalent involving urine, the devil and a whiskey bottle.

According to this scapegoating, the reason the 49ers don't have Young throwing touchdowns to Rice in the Super Bowl, and Merton Hanks and Tim McDonald anchoring the best defense this side of the 1985 Bears is because Carmen ruined the team. After years of being the Master Capologist, he screwed up, realized his error, and ran off to the Browns. Shame on him! How could he do this to the "greatest dynasty ever"?

Convenient, isn't it? All greatness remains with the 49ers, all blame placed in an individual. Yet, apply the logic the other way around: Try to place any credit whatsoever for the Niners' success on Carmen creatively circumventing and/or cheating the cap and the 49ers simply outspending everyone -- and, lordy, you're talking nonsense, boy!

The salary cap scapegoat is the essence of the Bandwagon mentality of arrogance and narcissism. The 49er fans and their media truly believe that it was 49er greatness that allowed them to avoid the salary cap, and now when the piper has to be paid according to the rules, it's waaaaaah!! -- after all, they are the 49ers, why should they be forced to obey? How dare the 49ers be forced to compete with the rest of the NFL on an even playing field! Because -- and this is the important part that really gnaws at the Bandwagon -- that means that they are just like everyone else!

All the salary cap slam proves is the days of the preferential treatment are done, they can't live above the rules any more because Eddie isn't here to buy his way out of it. The 49ers are just like any other run-of-the-mill team. Scapegoats need not apply, because fact of the matter is that the 49ers' lack of talent had been hidden by their preferential place, an easy schedule, and luck for several years running, so it's no surprise that the bill came due so quickly.

5. How will Garcia and Mirer affect Walsh's legacy?

Bill Walsh predicted Jeff Garcia would be a "top 10 quarterback" this season. Walsh predicted Mirer would be "the next Joe Montana". So it's no surprise that if Garcia and/or Mirer end up performing well, there are many champing at the bit ready to add another halo over Walsh's head.

Yet, let's really look at what the success of either of these complete stiffs means: validation of the genius of the NHS. All along, we've been telling you that Montana and Young aren't the two "best ever" QBs to play football, but rather are products of the cheesy 49er system. If any chimp like Garcia or Mirer can likewise put up good numbers in that system, what does it say about the true talent level of Montana and Young?

Look for this notion to be conveniently swept under the rug if any kudos for Walsh are forthcoming. And don't ask those impressed by Garcia's 90+ passer rating to explain why they are the same people using the loss of Steve Young as an excuse.

6. Will anyone comment on Garcia's lisp?

Jeff Garcia, affectionately known as "Jeff Garthia" by some regulars on the NHS message board, may be under the gun to perform or else damage the reputation of Mr. Genius, but of a greater concern is the fact that he talks with an effeminate lisp -- one so pronounced that it is almost too perfect to be true for a San Francisco quarterback.

7. The cheese factor.

Over the years, the 49ers have benefited from an inordinate amount of incredible calls, referee reversals, and, some would say, downright lucky circumstances, happening at just the right moment to help propel them along their "best ever" way. A couple theories have surfaced among the Bandwagon to explain this luck, such as (1) "great" teams make their own luck; and (2) Montana, Young, Rice, et al., are stars that get special treatment "like Michael Jordan."

Now that the 49er "talent" and "stars" are all but gone, will the luck, amazing calls, referee reversals, etc., vanish with them? Hmm, doesn't look that way so far. The classic 49er luck is still in effect: After all, were you surprised at all by the not one, but two tipped-ball INTs that the 49ers gathered in to put a scare in the same old Rams in the first half of last week's game? And perhaps you noticed that this season opened with a very questionable call going the 49ers' way against Atlanta, with possession being given to the 49ers after a fumble, even though it looked suspiciously as if the Falcons had pounced on it before it a slapstick pile up that forced the ball out of bounds?

In short, the early returns show the faces have changed, but the luck remains the same. However, the huge dearth of talent seems to be enough to prevent the old 49er adage, "it's better to be lucky than good", from saving the day any more.

8. Bandwagon backlash.

For years, jokes have been made, labels have been stuck, and let's face it: the image of the average 49er fan is a that of a wine-sipping, brie-scarfing front-runner. And who are we to argue against this stereotype? All signs point to this vast majority vanishing to the next hip Bay Area fad faster than you can say "PacBell Park."

However, a word of caution: There will be a contingent of thousands of fans that are so bitter at the Niner fan stereotype that they will sit there in the 3Com mausoleum this season and watch hours of awful football, no matter what, just so they can "prove" to us and the world that they are not bandwagoners.

Who are these people? One group is the minority of actual fans, the ones we respect. These consist of the tiny fraction of persons who actually were around and can name the 49ers' starting QB before Montana.

The other group consists of the younger punk crowd that was born after 1970. These bitter youngsters think of themselves as different from the other post-1981 Bandwagon jumpers -- after all, they didn't choose to start rooting for the 49ers after they started winning -- it just happened that the first team they were old enough to like was the 49ers, and the winning was just a coincidence. They've been arguing ever since they could wipe their own noses that they were real fans even if they've never suffered a losing season. Now, finally getting their chance, they can prove to all the other NFL fans that have tormented them that they are, in fact, "Die Hard". Of course, now they will understand the prize that goes along with that badge of honor -- a loser team -- and maybe, just maybe, grow up a little into less annoying fans.

Of course, all the minority pertinaciousness won't change the fact that the huge majority of Niner fans have always been Bandwagoners. Fact is that demand for 49er tickets has already waned, so they already lost the war.

9. Draft pick watch.

The over/under for the official Bandwagon push for the #1 draft pick is set at week 8. What will signify this officially has yet to be determined, but, unofficially, it's already begun. After all, the Bandwagon mentality holds, why bother wasting any emotion on a team without a future Hall Of Famer at quarterback? Many Niner fans threw in the towel before the season even started because they've decided the only hope is to get Michael Vick. And don't think this Bandwagon thinking is confined to just fans: Bill Walsh is dropping coy little comments about how he's looking forward to finally getting a top draft pick -- not that he'd ever root to lose, oh, no, he's never done anything cheesy...

The funny thing about the Bandwagon is the short term memory that goes with it. They won't understand that we haven't forgotten the endless comments of "we don't rebuild, we reload", and that's one of the many reasons why we are laughing every time we hear them rooting for the #1 pick.

10. Less updates from this website.

A note to fans of this website: you should expect less frequent updates to the site. We are going to concentrate on all the major events, but largely avoid silly stuff like another loss to the Falcons, or Jeff Garthia's dad calling up radio shows to defend him. Funny, yes, but largely a waste of time in the overall scheme.

What are we doing with our time if we're not updating the page? Investigative research. We're trying to find out if rumors about past 49ers like Montana, Ronnie Lott, etc. are true. As we've seen with the salary cap incident, it seems people are finally willing to spill the beans about the truth of the past Niners, so we're working on breaking stories that matter for you.

So keep an eye on that 49er Problem ... and keep smiling at what is already a great year 2000!

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