It's About Frickin' Time

Walsh finally leaves 49ers

April 30, 2004 (NHS) -- Seriously. Is it really just that hard to go away?

It is for Bill Walsh. Like an addict that can't leave his crack, Walsh is an egomaniac addicted to having people around him to kiss his wrinkled old heinie 24/7, and there's nowhere he can get that better than with the foolish 49ers and appurtenant Bandwagon fans and media.

That's why he's had not one, not two, but three tours of duty now with the franchise formerly known as "Best Ever". And every time it takes him longer and longer to go away (unless there's some blame to go around, in which case he vanishes instantly).

Don't get us wrong; we've enjoyed having Walsh muck things up for the 49ers these past few years and completely prove himself ignorant in the ways of general managership in the NFL -- especially those "salary cap hell" contracts he passed around as freely as the ass-kissing (we wonder if he got paid a commission by Jeff Garcia for that joke contract that resulted in about a ten million dollar hit against the cap).

But finally, on April 30, 2004, Walsh will have his "for real" last day with the 49ers. Of course, that last day has lasted about THREE YEARS, for it was back in May 2001 when Walsh announced he was handing over the general manager duties to Terry Donahue. So for three years since that carefully orchestrated "retirement" press conference that left the Bay Area sniffling, what the hell has Walsh been doing?

Apparently, just preparing to leave. Because since then, every so often a warning would pop up in a local newspaper or radio, "Remember, Walsh's contract is up in May 2004!" ... "Walsh is leaving in only 16 months!" ... "How will football continue without Walsh 10 months from now?" ... "All offense on Earth to shrivel up and die when Walsh leaves" ... and so on, and so on, until everyone had the same thought:

For god's sake, will you just freakin' leave, already?

Yes, for the rest of us it's as simple as packing up our crap and walking out the door, but the skills needed to do that apparently evade the faculties of those oh-so-much-smarter than us, those Geniuses Of The World like Walsh.

Perhaps we're being too cruel here? Perhaps we just can't understand because we don't live a fake life unable to subsist without an I.V. drip of sycophant juice flowing directly into our veins? True, the tug of the "best ever" fantasy must certainly be great, but empathy is lost on such a waste of humanity like Mr. Pompous.

While it seems we've finally reached the end of the road and senile Bill will finally be out of our hair come May 2004, predictably, it's far from over. He's not going completely away, he's just slinking off to yet another fictional "job" with Stanford -- which is basically just the college version of the 49ers in terms of people willing to kiss his ass 24/7.

He's appearing almost daily on KNBR radio with the obtuse "Razor" Barbieri. He's pontificating on the steroid issue like the two-face that he is (as if no 49er EVER did steroids or drugs). He's become The Great White Father in all discussions of race and coaching in the NFL (even though the 49ers never had a black head coach or even a black QB -- heck, Walsh never drafted or brought in any black QB to run his "enlightened" offense, to our knowledge).

In short, Walsh's smug, arrogant, lying, P.R.-hungry face is still going to pop up from time to time -- along with your corresponding urge to smack something. It will go on and on and on like that oh-so-funny Energizer Bunny, which is very similar in that some idiot somewhere thought that was "genius", too.

(By the way, despite the urge, don't go punching Walsh. Sadly, you'll actually be the one punished for it, like the guy who cold-cocked him in Tahoe. That episode reflected the reality of what real people actually think of Walsh instead of the fake ass-kissing we are spoon-fed from his media cadre.)

And speaking of our yellow journalist friends, now begins the long process of column after column by every single schlub in the Bandwagon media penning their equivalent of bending down and kissing Walsh's ring for the privilege of knowing such a divine being. See, for example, Glenn Dickey's sermon in the April 29th S.F. Chronicle: "It's been a privilege to share even one small part of this remarkable man."

Awww. Can't you just hear the slurpy smooches?

Yes, there's still weeks of gagging ahead, but take heart -- at least there's light at the end of the tunnel. Those words will be written, we will barf, then it will all be over. Think of it like having to go through morning sickness to get to something beautiful. Finally, Bill Walsh will be forever gone from the 49ers.

And don't forget -- the NHS will always be here putting his so-called "best ever" legacy farce into a truthful perspective, Walsh's biggest nightmare. It's taken him so long to leave because he knows that all that's left is one more spotlight when he dies, one last hurrah of "Gee, wasn't he the Best Coach Ever?" from Bandwagon stooges. Then that glorious memorial will quickly return to being overgrown with the weeds of the truth. Without his constant milking of the media, his yes-men and good ol' boys' club that's diseased all of football will slowly ebb, and more and more people are going to continue to wake up to the sham that he was.

Which is exactly why he just won't go away.

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