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Smooch ScaleRanking the media's
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Smooch ScaleRanking the media's
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We often speak of the Media Problem in these web pages, but just who are the ones out there doing the bulk of the 49er butt-kissing? Who are the villains happily participating in the 49er spin, spreading the propaganda, hiding the arrogance, keeping the public ignorant, engaging in hypocrisy and treating the 49ers to a double-standard?
NHS is compiling a list of all the sports media and ranking them. We've divided it up by national versus local media, and not only do we grade individuals, but we assign an overall grade to collective media outlets. If we forgot someone or you disagree with a grade, feel free to send us your own personal ratings!
This list is constantly being updated, so check back often.
4 smooches: a high-profile member of the media that personally loves the 49ers and sweeps away any journalistic integrity or objectivity when discussing them.
3 smooches: definitely part of the problem, yet isn't high profile enough to be considered one of the elite 49er butt-kissers.
2 smooches: kisses 49er butt, yet on occasion will make a remark that's somewhat neutral.
1 smooch: kisses the most popular 49er butts, yet consistently makes neutral comments.
zero smooches: actually doesn't go out of way to kiss 49er butt, just calls it as he/she sees it. Doesn't necessarily mean that this person would talk about the 49ers' ugly side or expose their ridiculous spin attempts (only the NHS is willing to do that); these people just don't kiss butt at every opportunity, which makes them a star compared to the rest.
And now, by popular demand: +
Four-plus smooches: i.e., an infinite number of smooches! The most hated of the media, the main culprits in cultivating the 49er Problem and spreading the propaganda.
+
Beacham, Greg -- Associated Press
You might have never heard of Mr. Beacham, which is exactly what makes him such a dangerous smoocher. His entire job is to live in the Bay Area and write about the 49ers from the sickening all-spin, all-hype, cover-up-all-the-negative view that we all know too well. But the real crime is that his fiction is then distributed around the world by the Associated Press as anonymous "news" about the 49ers, silently and insidiously infecting football fans everywhere.
Berman, Chris -- ESPN
Labeled by many as the King of 49er Ass-Kissers, Berman is perhaps the most prolific purveyor of the 49er Problem. An infinite number of smooches wouldn't be enough to describe his love for the 49ers. If you're looking for an indicator of how this love translates over into his job as a supposedly unbiased sports news source for the nation, look no further than the fact that he received a Super Bowl ring from Eddie DeBartolo, as if to say, "Thanks for helping dupe everyone into believing the facade." Public outcry forced Berman to return the ring, but he can still be heard on local radio stations saying, "My favorite city, San Francisco!"
Green, Tim -- FOX
It is Tim Green's personal crusade to attempt to make Steve Young regarded as The Greatest Person To Ever Have Graced The Earth. From perpetuating the "tough guy" image to calling him the greatest running QB ever, Green is constantly worshipping at the Young altar. Oh yeah, in his spare time, he kisses all the other 49ers' asses, too.
Jones, Brent -- CBS
A moron and a dufus, yes, and even though his stupidity makes him mostly harmless, the universal disgust with him registered by 49er-Haters everywhere earns him the highest ranking. Capping his ignorance and hypocrisy was a radio appearance in 2002 when he complained "teams don't throw down the field far enough" -- and, no, he didn't also mention that the Wuss Coast Offense is the reason why.
Michaels, Al -- ABC
Only Berman matches Michaels' 49er-smooching capacity. Mostly known for endless streams of "best ever", "great", and "incomparable" when talking of 49ers. Maybe the best example of his uselessness as a human being is his public rift with Al Davis, while at the same time loving felon Eddie DeBartolo. The best thing to ever happen regarding Michaels was when Boomer Esiason finally exposed the truth about him.
Millen, Matt -- FOX
As a commentator, he possessed the worst actual talent to hype ratio. No surprise that as a GM in Detroit they've discovered the same. This former Niner has never had a rational thought about the 49ers. Inside his skull is a constant echo, "best ever", "best ever", "best ever..." He's worn 49er clothing to his announcing jobs and then proudly bragged about it on the air, tossing any pretense of neutrality aside. One of his highlights was when he talked about how much he liked the attitude of the Oilers' Eddie George, because he doesn't like the "punk" attitude of some players, and then he turned around and said he liked William Floyd, the very epitome of that attitude.
Young, Steve -- ESPN
Thankfully his time on air has done more to expose the myth about him being "intelligent" than we ever could. His daily time spent under the desk with Berman is bad enough, but now ESPN.com is printing articles by him replete with utter prevarication and disrespect like "Johnny Unitas was the original West Coast Offense quarterback."
Attner, Paul -- The Sporting News
Wrote a multi-piece effort entitled, "Welcome to T.O.'s World" because apparently we just don't get enough smooching of Terrell Owens on a daily basis.
Bahr, Chris -- The Sporting News
You would think with such a cleverly titled column, "The Sports Bahr" (get it? it's a pun on his name? pure genius, right?) he would have some legit takes; instead, he's just another Niner-smoocher. And given his dorky picture, he's gotta be from the Bay Area.
Clayton, John -- ESPN
Featured at ESPN.com and in SportsCenter's "Inside the Huddle" segment, Clayton is famous for such important remarks as, "Ray Brown is now a star in San Francisco" about 2 games after Brown joined the 49ers.
Costas, Bob -- NBC
Actually had the gall to interrupt the NBA Finals to compare a basketball player to Jerry Rice, using Rice as the supposed barometer of greatness. 'Nuf said.
Forbes, Gordon -- USA Today
Tabbed a 1996 regular season win over mediocre Washington as "meaningful" in order to deflate the fact the 49ers went winless against all the winning teams they faced. He has an infatuation with always talking about how underrated the 49ers are. Before the game against Philly, he said the 49ers had a "little-publicized running game," even though every bandwagon paper on earth had been spouting off about the 49ers' supposed running game (his own paper just days earlier declared they had "successfully made the transition to a power running team").
Hoge, Merril -- ESPN
In 2002 he picked the 49ers to win every single week. We won't discount the possibility that maybe he's just so warped that he thinks the Niners were Just That Good, but more likely most of his smooching is because he is a hater of the Rams, which prompted DL Tyoka Jackson to make this perfect summation of Hoge (which could be applied to all of ESPN): "Guys like that, the so-called experts, they just get on the TV and they lie to America."
King, Peter -- Sports Illustrated
As a bigwig for a national magazine, you'd think this guy would have something better to do than hang out in the 49ers' locker room week after week.
Kremer, Andrea -- ESPN
Known in journalistic circles as one who rarely honors her "off-the-record" claims, she's also proudly declared Ricky Watters as a best-buddy. When doing a supposedly in-depth look at Watters, she used unbiased sources like William Floyd to explain just how exactly Watters is so great.
Kreidler, Mark -- ESPN, Sacramento Bee
It's bad enough that Kreidler shovels his slop in the local "Bay Area wannabee" Sacramento sports market, but ESPN, in its infinite wisdom, often purchases his masterpieces. Teamed with Brian Murphy, Kreidler helps make ESPN's internet presence what it is: the pinnacle of 49er-stroking. Best work was when he gave credit for Jim Fassel's success to Bill Walsh, the logic being that Fassel was coaching at Stanford when Walsh was with the 49ers (apparently, this geographic proximity to The Almighty Genius blessed Fassel or something).
Lombardi, Mike -- CBS
Yet another Bay Area homer and former 49er staff member given a national forum to spread the Problem (thankfully short-lived).
Lott, Ronnie -- FOX
He was really pathetic as a T.V. personality and got canned so we don't have the heart to make fun of him anymore.
Madden, John -- FOX, ABC
Madden hops on the bandwagon of whatever team is winning, not just the 49ers, but he's a Bay Area homer at heart and appears daily on local talk show radio stations. He threw a tissy fit when a Hall of Fame committee actually dared select some no-name called Johnny Unitas over the Almighty Joe Montana as the all-time greatest quarterback.
Murphy, Brian -- ESPN, San Francisco Chronicle
Here's a Murphy quote: "I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area. Any replay of 'The Catch' makes me need to leave the room if I'm in mixed company, just to take the proverbial 'moment.'" Yep, it's classy, unbiased journalism every time out of the gate.
Pompei, Dan -- The Sporting News
Perhaps the worst example of the misuse of the label "expert". Pompei has no insight, no intelligence, and nothing to say except for 49er smooching.
Scott, Stuart -- ESPN
This SportsCenter anchor is best known for his tirade following Jerry Rice's injury. After talking about Rice's "class" and calling him a "hero" -- the usual "best ever" shtick -- he angrily added, "What, you're a Niner-hater, you don't like me saying that? Get over it."
Silver, Michael -- Sports Illustrated
Another guy who has a national audience and provincial bias. Wonder if his S.I. readers know he is a Bay Area homer, pens books about to his favorite 49ers, and is regular call-in guest for the 49ers' flagship radio station?
Walsh, Bill -- NBC, TSN
Walsh was at his best years ago when covering a Denver playoff game: the Broncos lined up in a shotgun formation, which has allowed QB John Elway to become one of the most prolific passers in NFL history. But this time, a bad snap went over Elway's head. As he scrambled to pick up the ball, Walsh giddily exclaimed to the audience, "And that's why Joe Montana never used the shotgun!" Yes, it's bad enough to even mention Montana in an AFC playoff game, but to not have the decency to even wait until the play was over before kissing ass really takes the cake.
Weisman, Larry -- USA Today
One Larry lowlight was an article devoted to how every coach, assistant, GM, scout, waterboy and mascot can trace their success to Bill Walsh, whom he dubbed "The Pigskin Patriarch". Funny he didn't mention where Walsh got his start. Considering his worship of Walsh, Weisman probably believes Walsh has simply always been, like all gods.
Madden, John -- FOX, ABC
True,
Pasquarelli, Len -- ESPN.com
He's got a face made for the Internet, and the credibility to match when it comes to reporting on the 49ers, especially when he tries to push the facade of Terrell Owens being a premier play-maker.
Seifert, George -- CBS
Seifert is hated and smooches, but perhaps because he's always been second fiddle to Bill Walsh in the hearts and minds of Niner fans, his smooching has never come across as wholehearted, thus the lower ranking.
Summerall, Pat -- FOX
Summerall is famous for incidents like when going over the 49ers starting lineup, he said, "Steve Young -- er, the great Steve Young," as if it was a crime to mention Young's name without adding "great" to it. He'd be a 4-lip smoocher if not for his true first-love, the Cowboys.
Zimmerman, Paul -- Sports Illustrated
Dr. Z is an admitted Niner fan; however, he has remarked that he was a bigger fan of the team back in the legitimate years before the 49ers got, to use his word, "arrogant". He has also criticized the continued trend of teams throwing shorter and shorter passes, but he still has yet to come out and criticize Walsh and the 49ers for their early success with the cheesy 2-yard dink pass.
Dierdorf, Dan -- ABC, CBS
Dierdorf's smooch rating is probably a bit lower than it should be, but he was best known in his ABC days contrasted against Michaels, who made any whisper of rationality seem like gospel. Dierdorf was the only one on MNF that had the audacity to actually speak up when the 49ers blatantly flaunted the rules. He still will jump on the bandwagon at any given opportunity.
Gifford, Frank -- ABC
While Giff's lips were usually pretty busy with who knows who, he still found time to plant them all over the 49ers. He was usually the one to quickly change the subject and hope we didn't notice that replay showing how the 49ers got away with something.
Montana, Joe -- NBC
Montana would earn 4 smooches except he was so universally lambasted as a horrible commentator that even when he kissed 49er butt, nobody was listening or they couldn't understand what the hell he was saying. Maybe it was the drugs. No -- you didn't think -- no, the NHS would never insinuate the great Joe used illegal drugs. We're talking about the legal drugs they gave him during all his back surgeries.
Spander, Art -- ESPN, Oakland Tribune
This guy's so bad even the Chronicle gave him the boot. Famous for such opinions like Ronnie Lott being the best safety ever and how classy the 49ers were to draft the Manuel twins. Unfortunately, he ended up slithering around other spots like ESPN SportsZone. He's pretty much gone now, thus his low smooch rating, but his smooching won't be forgotten.
Chad, Norman -- Syndicated Columnist
Chad earned rave reviews when he derisively critiqued the idiocy of calling Bill Walsh, "The Genius". But then he wrote a baseless tribute article to the 49ers organization, which is an unforgivable hop on the Bandwagon.
Czaban, Steve -- ESPN radio, FOX radio
Czaban, a.k.a. "Spanky", was once a friend of the NHS in his days at the One-on-One Sports Radio Network. But then he wrote a column rationalizing the behavior of Terrell Owens as "entertaining" instead of just plain punk, which is downright indefensible.
Glanville, Jerry -- FOX
A man who used to be rated a star, Glanville broke our hearts. He used to do the least smooching of anybody. For years he never referred to Rice as "the best" but then finally caved in to popular pressure. Lately, he's also unforgivably praised Merton Hanks. While hopping on the Rice bandwagon is inexcusable, he did once note that if Rice had been on some of his Falcons teams, Rice certainly wouldn't have any of his precious little records. He also routinely criticizes the 49er base pick play as illegal.
Bradshaw, Terry -- FOX
Bradshaw routinely commits blasphemy by publicly badmouthing the West Coast Offense (the "get rid of it and save your ass offense"). He's probably bitter that his four hard-earned rings in an era of real football got matched by Joe Montana against the Bengals and Bengals again.
Sharpe, Sterling -- ESPN
He had better numbers than Jerry Rice before he was cut down by injury, so there's no reason for him to ever buy into the "Rice Best Ever" facade.
Simers, T.J. -- The Sporting News
Simers routinely crucified the 49ers with stuff straight out of the NHS handbook, such as ripping them for their easy schedule and their whining following a Packers romp.
+
Associated Press
The AP has one permanent guy assigned just to cover all 49ers news (read: constantly spin the ass-kissing), and then it's so-called columnists are just as bad. It's an especially loathsome part of the 49er Problem because the articles are disseminated around subscribing newspapers in an unending faucet of filth.
ESPN
Given its size and influence in sports, there's no doubt that the unholy work of ESPN's pro-Niner propaganda is probably the biggest offender in the 49er Problem that we've been forced to try to undo all these years.
NFL.com (CBS Sportsline.com)
If you've wondered why the NFL never does anything about the 49ers' various shenanigans, point your browser to NFL.com. As the official NFL website, you'd think they'd be neutral. Instead, they constantly smooch the 49ers, thanks to being own and run by CBS Sportsline.com.
NFL Network
Again, if you've wondered why the NFL never does anything about the 49ers' various shenanigans, take one listen to the NFL's official mouthpiece and you'll understand.
The Sporting News
So bad that we actually had to specifically monitor them for a stretch of time.
ABC
The sibling of ESPN, we're still waiting for ABC to separately bid on getting the lone rights to broadcast all 49er games on Monday Night because, gee, thrice a year is just not enough time for Michaels to fit in all his 49er hype.
CBS
Why does the network covering the AFC hire two ex-49ers, George Seifert and Brent Jones, to anchor their football coverage? Of course, one should also wonder why anyone would put either of them on T.V. at all. When they finally did boot Seifert, they brought in Mike Lombardi, a former 49er staffer (read: an even worse smoocher). Its Sportsline Internet presence is just as bad -- take a look at the main NFL page links section and you'll see only one team listed. Even worse is they bought the rights to NFL.com, so now we get smooching under the NFL name itself.
FOX
This is the network that carries the 49ers and just can't talk about them enough.
MSNBC.com / NBCsports.com
Yet another site that has no reason to smooch the 49ers, yet believes it to be their duty in the world of journalism to carry a host of columnists that are infested with the smooch virus.
Sports Illustrated / CNNSI.com
How a national magazine came to be run by complete 49er ass-kissers like King, Silver and Dr. Z remains a mystery.
USA Today
Yet another national publication that has no business smooching the 49ers, yet there they are with lips squarely planted.
NBC
Back when they had football, one would've figured that NBC would've been more neutral to the 49ers since they were mostly devoted to AFC coverage, but no. Sadly, with most of their viewers are AFC fans, they preyed upon public ignorance to tout the 49ers as "the best ever." Today they use other forums, like the NBA Finals, to talk about Jerry Rice.
+
Barbieri, Ralph -- Local Radio
The biggest misnomer in local radio is Barbieri's nickname, "The Razor". There's nothing sharp about this guy, from his dull wit to his fleshy behind to his soft interviews that amount to nothing more than pillow talk with his current Niner du jour. He may be the most hated local broadcaster based on our e-mail. His whiny voice when combined with whining about the 49ers is an unbeatable combination.
Dickey, Glenn -- San Francisco Chronicle
Has this guy ever written a legitimate column or is every article solely his first person biased opinion (e.g., "I think the 49ers will win this week"). Whatever happened to the concept that a newspaper should be about news, not about if this individual thinks his favorite team is great? He is the most notorious bandwagon-jumper in 49er-media history and is the epitome of Bay Area yellow journalism.
Ibaneaz, Mark -- Local T.V.
This comment about Ibaneaz comes straight from a reader via email: "There is not enough Chapstick in Oakland (where his T.V. station is located) to cure his Niner-ass-kissing blisters."
Judge, Clark -- San Jose Mercury News
Once upon a time he was quarantined to the South S.F. Bay Area so he couldn't directly infect the nation at large, which was needed, because pound for pound, he may be the most diseased reporter, his brain completely savaged by the 49er virus. One of his best moments was in 1996, describing the 49ers' special teams as among the best in the NFL when in reality the 49ers' special teams ranked near or dead last in half the categories. Another little gem from Judge: "Common sense is what the 49ers exercised when they looked into acquiring (Lawrence) Phillips." Yes, that Lawrence Phillips.
Kawakami, Tim -- San Jose Mercury News
Picked up the smooching slack at the Merc after the departure of Judge. Angrily discounted any discussion following the tainted Giants-49ers 2002 playoff game with the pure, unfiltered "Niners best ever, end of story" mentality.
Brooks, Rod -- KTCT AM Radio
He came from Houston to KNBR and applied the "when in Rome" theory to his broadcasting; i.e., since he was now in the Bay Area he was obligated to spin and smooch the 49ers. He then moved to KTCT as a supposed host for the voice of the Raiders nation, yet notice how he will never speak the side of any issue that could possibly paint a negative on the 49ers.
Gosselin, Rick -- Dallas Morning News
Here's an example of how other media markets are different from the Bay Area. Gosselin is a complete Niner ass-kisser ... who writes in Dallas! The opposite would never, ever be the case because the Bay Area media is too afraid to ever let an anti-Niner voice pollute the fragile Bandwagon fans. They might lose all their readers.
Keown, Tim -- San Francisco Chronicle
A member of the Chronicle staff so obviously a smoocher, Keown is most famous for comparing the 1997 49er defense with the 1986 Chicago Bears ad nauseam. Funny, he doesn't make that comparison anymore.
Killion, Ann -- San Jose Mercury News
Killion is always there to blow kisses to her favorite 49ers. One notable moment was when she dedicated an article to hyping the worthless Ted Popson. Apparently she dated his uncle's cousin, or went to high school with his brother, or something. Just one big happy family.
Purdy, Mark -- San Jose Mercury News
You may not be able to recognize Purdy since his face is always hidden behind Eddie DeBartolo's ass, busily smooching. All throughout the DeBartolo gambling scandal, all Purdy could talk about were the free beers DeBartolo gave him and therefore how great he was.
Ratto, Ray -- San Francisco Examiner, ESPN.com
Ratto is an amazing example of a guy starting out dishing out a lot of truth yet ending up succumbing to the requirement of all Bay Area journalists to smooch Niner ass no matter what. Ratto at least ripped on the 49ers false class image during the Seifert debacle. Since then, however, he has slowly grown more and more a bigger part of the Problem.
Tolbert, Tom -- Local Radio
This is the third move up the scale for "Mr. T". In the beginning, he had his good moments and was telling it like it is. But now that he's become an established member of the S.F. media and partnered with Barbieri, he's sold out, and he's moved all the way up the Smooch Scale. A notable moment for Mr. T was saying that the Packers playoff win over Tampa Bay (14 point difference) was unimpressive and nothing compared to the crushing, "best ever"-type defeat of Minnesota by the 49ers (16 point difference). Now he almost daily refers to Joe Montana as "the best ever".
Geracie, Bud -- San Jose Mercury News
Bud kisses butt, no question, but on occasion he will throw in some reality. For example, after the Dallas game, he wrote, "I had a mighty close look at the play, standing on the sideline inside the 10 when Michael Irvin and Rod Woodson came racing by, and . . . I'd have thrown a flag. And not picked it up."
Knapp, Gwenn -- San Francisco Examiner
She's never had a neutral thought about the 49ers in her life, yet she's so universally not respected that she can't earn 4 smooches.
O'Donnell, Dennis -- KPIX
It can be the dead of football offseason and this guy will have a 49er on his Sunday night show as a special guest. If you ever watch his newscast, you wouldn't know that the Bay Area has another NFL team, 2 MLB teams, 1 NBA team, and 1 NHL team.
Steele, David -- San Francisco Chronicle
Mr. Steele had to apologize to his readers for his November 6, 2002 column, "Pencil in the Niners for the Super Bowl", an article spawned due to his furor and frenzy of "best ever" hype since the Niners managed their first victory on the road against a team with a winning record in four years (never mind the opponent was the Raiders, the "road game" was 5 miles across the Bay, and the Raiders were 4-4 following the game). This guy types his column with red and gold pompoms attached to his hands.
Miller, Ira -- San Francisco Chronicle
Some will protest that two smooches isn't enough, and indeed, Ira is a reprehensible kind of smoocher because he has the gall to lie about it. He's publicly stated that he doesn't care if the 49ers win or lose, yet read his stuff and you'll know the truth. However, in late 2002 he said, "The 49ers showed once again they are nothing more than a slightly above-average team playing in one of the weakest divisions of an average league." That rare truth from a member of the Bay Area media deserves to be reflected in his smooch ranking.
Carr, Terry -- Local Radio, Fresno, CA
Terry is not just an Official 49er-Hater, but he is also a Regional Director for NHS, spreading the good word in Fresno at KRZR.
+
KNBR AM Radio
Self-hyped as "the sports leader", KNBR is more accurately "the 49er butt-smooching leader". Up and down their radio lineup is constant, unending kissing and propaganda to fill the vacancies between the ears of their tuned-out 49er fans.
San Jose Mercury
As bad as the Chronicle is, the Merc gets the award for the biggest 49er Bandwagon paper in the nation. It's like they suffer from "sourdough envy", always trying to out-do their whiny neighbors to the north.
KTCT AM Radio
How can the "official radio station of the Oakland Raiders" be a 4-lip smoocher? When it's parent station is KNBR. Yes, that's right -- the supposedly hard-core Raiders station is nothing more than the little sister of the 49ers flagship station. Its radio personalities are hired by the same management that love the 49ers, and indeed up and down the lineup are jockeys like Rod Brooks who refuse to speak out anti-49ers. They rarely will even speak the truth of the 49ers, as one would hope from the Raiders station, thus cheating Raiders fans out of a true voice.
San Francisco Chronicle
In the Bay Area people are so clueless, they actually believe that the local media is just supposed to be homers for their teams and that's the way it is everywhere. But there's no place like "the Bay Area" when it comes to absolute smooching, especially the Chronicle.
Sacramento Bee
They're not part of "the Bay Area" but, boy, they smooch with the best of them. Another jealous paper, they wish they could be a part of "the Bay".
San Francisco Examiner
Considering where they are located, this ranking is downright impressive. But they did a decent job reporting the 49ers travesties throughout the fraudulent stadium election, for example, so we'll give them their due.
Remember, this list is still under construction, so feel free to send us your input!
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created: Nov. 13, 1997; last updated: Nov. 1, 2002
copyright© 1996-2002 49er-Haters Society (NHS)