PUNK OR BUFFOON, BANDWAGON GOBBLES UP OWENS' ANTICS

July 19, 2003 (NHS) -- Thanks to his ridiculous "Sharpie" stunt, Terrell Owens went from being the biggest punk in the NFL to being the biggest buffoon in the NFL, and the 49er fans and media just can't get enough of it.

If this leaves you scratching your head, you're not alone. After all, how can the media hype and so many fans root for such an absolute clown like Owens?

Well, they do, and not only that, it's reached the point that Owens is the only thing left about the franchise that excites the Bandwagon at all. Thus, ever since word hit the wire that Owens was missing practice time this summer, the Bandwagon has sweated the possibility of Owens leaving the 49ers after this season, the last year of his contract.

For Niner-haters, of course, there's nothing sweeter than when the 49er Problem comes back to bite the Niners on the ass, and the contract situation of Terrell Owens is starting to look very tasty. Owens, currently the most over-hyped player on the squad if not the entire NFL, has missed every voluntary workout this summer. The 49er front office and coach Dennis Erickson tried to pooh-pooh Owens' absence as no big deal, but that explanation is valued at about the same credibility level as when they claimed Rick Neuheisel never interviewed for the head coaching job.

From local columnists to national outlets, Owens' truancy is being hailed as the omen signaling the apocalypse. Says TSN.com's "The War Room": "[Owens'] recent no-shows -- despite the team's attempts to downplay them -- are his way of expressing unhappiness with the team for not agreeing to a long-term deal. If Owens and the 49ers do not reach a deal by the end of the season, expect him to leave. G.M. Terry Donahue has his hands full trying to get this deal done, but adding to the problem is owner John York, who is so out of touch that he recently asked one member of his personnel department, 'Why can't players play both ways to save salary-cap money?'"

You will note, of course, the sympathy for Donahue and the simultaneous potshot at York, who has become a favorite punching bag of the Bandwagon. No surprise, since Donahue's a "Walsh man" and has the media on his side, while York -- the man seen primarily responsible for deposing the media's beloved DeBartolo/Walsh/Mariucci regime -- is already resented and will become an even bigger scapegoat if this issue continues to grow.

Meanwhile, there's a contingent of media claiming there's no way the 49ers would ever let such a "best ever" talent like Owens go, because the 49ers wouldn't have a prayer without him. This seems to be the popular voice in the Bay Area, spelled out by the Chronicle's Glenn Dickey: "The 49ers ... think they have a shot at the Super Bowl with [Owens]. Without him, they're barely more than a .500 team."

Of course, thinking the 49ers have a shot at the Super Bowl is pathetic enough, but the other end of the spectrum is just as bad. Thinking the 49ers would be nothing without Owens is irrational hype. We remember the same sort of thinking about His Holiness, Jerry Rice, who once upon a time was regarded as nothing less than "the greatest football player to ever put on a pair of cleats". But in 1997, Rice missed almost the entire season due to injury, and all the 49ers did was replace him to the tune of a 13-3 record.

This isn't to say the 49ers wouldn't miss Owens at all, it's just a reminder that as long as the 49ers throw cheesy dink passes against the NFL's easiest schedule and play in the NFC Worst division, in the grand scheme of wins and losses, Owens doesn't really matter, just like Rice didn't really matter in 1997 due to the same factors. Owens came along to so easily replace the "unique" Rice, and there will certainly be some other "best ever" West Coast WR to take Owens' "unique" place catching a lot of 2-yard slants in the cheesiest offense, thus becoming the most overrated WR in the NFL.

So if you're facing a Bandwagon idiot stressing over Owens in your daily life, you can instruct them to chill. Owens isn't all that and a bag of chips, and the 49ers aren't a Super Bowl contender with or without Owens -- heck, they don't even have the talent to be a .500 team now -- but they have 11 games against sub-.500 teams in which to hide that fact, so Niner fans can relax.

Yet because this truth is so neatly covered up, the Owens contract issue seems destined to become yet another sideshow for a franchise that has suffered way too many circuses to be taken seriously any more.

A sideshow is exactly what the P.R.-hungry Owens wants, of course, and perfectly fine by Niner-haters. Cases like this are most especially pleasing, since this is the result of one of their beloved heroes' egos biting them where it hurts. After all, the 49ers created their own monster in Owens. All their years of over-hyping him -- first as "the next Rice" then as "the best WR in football" -- has resulted in Owens (and all of the NFL establishment) actually believing that hype, which in turn is the direct cause of Owens demanding a contract far beyond the team's means. So after years of having to stomach the Bandwagon hype of Owens, there's nothing sweeter than when that hype finally spells the possible end of his career in S.F.

Yes, there's a lot of laughs ahead for the NHS, but we should also discuss what's sad about this situation -- namely, how pathetic it is that the Bandwagon has put all their love of their team into loving Owens instead.

Remember, it was just a few years ago when 49ers & class went together like Joe & Jerry or wine & brie. In the '80s, for Whiner fans, it wasn't enough to just declare Montana & Co. as The Best Ever, since that was as obvious as the sky was blue to them. More important for them was for everyone to also acknowledge the 49ers as the Classiest Team Ever. The 49ers themselves floated their celebrated official team slogan of "50 years of winning with class" as a reminder of how much importance they placed on being perceived as "classy".

Thus, for many 49er fans, "class" became germane to their fandom -- and consequently the basis of their constant unwanted smack talk about the 49ers. It grew and grew and was the crutch 49er fans had when Dallas came along in the '90s and erased the memory of their little so-called dynasty. The Bandwagon's envy of the Cowboys spawned countless Dallas-drugs jokes, but there were also Raiders-gangs jokes and jealous remarks at the expense of Packers' cheese-heads, etc., because the aloof Niner fans with their noses in the air looked down at all the other fans, since they were just all fans of teams of lesser character.

So how is it that 49er fans have abandoned their hoity-toity pedestal to professing love for a goon like Owens?

Well, starting in the late '90s an avalanche of clownish events and public circuses wiped out the facade of 49er class. To name a few: Jerry in the massage parlor, the mishandled firing of George Siefert, the mistreatment of virtually every beloved 49er veteran by cutting them with no respect, Eddie DeBartolo's exit due to a felony conviction in a bribing scandal, the sleazy stadium/mall campaign (which included a homosexual/sadomasochistic sex scandal, voting fraud and the threat to move to L.A.), the revelation that the 49ers in fact intentionally and blatantly cheated the salary cap, and so on.

"49er class" is now long gone, so your typical 49er fan who used to subsist solely on the notion that the 49ers were classier than everyone else now exists solely on the notion that Owens is, in their opinion, "the most exciting player in football".

Of course this reeks of pure hypocrisy for a Bandwagon that used to subjugate everything to their measure of "class". For example, Michael Irvin was widely regarded as the most exciting and talented WR by many, but all the Bandwagon had to say about him had to do with his off-the-field character. But with Owens, the Bandwagon ignores his character, or rationalizes it away. After all, no sane person could ever seriously argue Owens is even close to the definition of "classy". He is known as the most arrogant player in the NFL (players, like Mike Brown, have actually gone on record with that quote), and Owens is to many the epitome of the punk attitude that is ruining professional sports. His episode at midfield in Dallas and resulting months of simmering bitterness about it, coupled with his lack of respect for his head coach, solidified that title.

Lately, Owens has moved from the punk label to buffoon label. Just look at how his little shtick with the Sharpie pen came off in the media and thus with the fans -- more as fun comedy than a punk showing up his opponent. Then there was his latest act -- taking the pompoms from a cheerleader and doing a little dance -- that further moved his image from a bitter man to rationalizing Owens as "just a guy trying to have some fun".

Still, no matter how you want to classify him, Owens grabs headlines, and that's enough for many of the dot-fans of Silicon Valley. But in case you haven't noticed, many 49er fans haven't totally jumped on the Bandwagon of the 49ers being on their way to the Super Bowl despite gaudy records these past two years. Many 49er fans are actually reasonable about the team's talent these days, knowing full well they are pretty much an average team that has lucked out in their schedule giving them a bunch of meaningless wins, along with a complete lack of competition in the NFC Worst (e.g., the suicide of the Rams) giving them a free pass to the division title.

But a bigger reason that many 49er fans haven't hopped on the train is that they couldn't care less about Jeff Garcia, Scott Gragg, John Engelberger or the rest of the faceless 49ers' squad that inspires all the confidence of Gilligan steering the Minnow out of rough weather. The key for much of the Bandwagon is that these guys are just flat-out boring, personality-wise. The 49ers, outside of Owens, are a team of no-names with no identity.

This, of course, is blasphemy to the Bay Area. As you well know, Bay Area/Silicon Valley sports fans are the most fickle, spineless fans in the world. The phrase "49er faithful" is a running joke of no-shows, their sellouts are more accurately sellout fans, because bottom line is that the Bay Area has no interest in anything unless it is a hyped, hip story -- no surprise considering these are the people that dreamed up the genius of the dot-com.

Thus, mention the name Terrell Owens to a 49er fan and watch out! The 49er fan excitement meter revs up as in days of a hip Internet IPO at the mere whisper of Mr. Sharpie-Pom-Pom. While the rest of the team is a snore, 49er fans can't talk enough about Owens. He is the last remnant of the old "holier than thou" 49er mentality. In the minds of 49er fans and the media, Owens is on a pedestal of greatness and excitement of such stature that no other player in the NFL comes close. It doesn't matter that Owens is a punk or a dork, a villain or a buffoon, or a transparent public relations poser. All that matters to Whiner fans is that he gets media attention and is "different". In the Bay Area that's worth more than all the startup stock options put together.

The punch-line, of course, is that most of these 49er fans that drool over Owens are the exact same fans that used to insist that "class" was an essential element to true greatness and the cornerstone of the 49ers franchise -- and no, they don't hear their own hypocrisy that echoes in every Irvin, Barry Switzer, or Al Davis joke they've ever made.

Owens might be gone and replaced by the next "best ever" WR after this season, but that hypocrisy will always remain.

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created: July 19, 2003
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