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Offseason 2001 |
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Offseason 2001 |
August 29, 2001 (NHS) -- Y'know, we're sick of having to start every article with "Given the 49er Bandwagon, it's no surprise..." -- but how else can we explain the lack of astonishment with the same old, tired game the Bandwagon media plays?
And if anything was a lock in this world, it was that 49ers first-round pick Andre Carter would be hyped well beyond anything approaching any other player in any other similar circumstance on any other team.
But labeling him "The Next Jevon Kearse"?
Sports Illustrated ran the "clever" headline, "Andre Carter may be not just a blessing but a Kearse". According to ESPN's John Clayton, "Titans defensive end Jevon Kearse wowed the NFL two years ago with his raw ability to beat offensive linemen in pass-rush situations but 49ers first-round choice Andre Carter may challenge Kearse as being a self-made freak."
Yes, here we go again down the well-traveled path of the 49er Problem, so let's take a look at the three hilarious "reasons" why Carter is no-doubt on his way to Best-Everdom, according to the "experts":
Several media pundits have brought to our attention that 49ers tackle Derrick Deese is having difficulty blocking Carter in training camp. Ergo, these experts conclude, Carter must be the next Best Ever.
Deese's ravings about Carter's "quickness, agility and maturity" were featured in Sports Illustrated. Deese, who has been lining up across from Carter all training camp, said, "Let the games begin, because I'm seeing some special things on that practice field, and I'm fired up to make it somebody else's problem," -- the "it" being having to block Carter.
"Andre Carter has been compared to a quicker, stronger Charles Haley in his prime by Derrick Deese," a reader proposed to ESPN's Chris Mortenson. Mort's reply: "I trust Derrick Deese."
Pardon us for asking, but, why?
Why the hell would you trust Derrick friggin' Deese?
If Deese has trouble blocking Carter, the obvious conclusion is not that Carter is destined for greatness. The obvious conclusion is that Deese has trouble blocking just about anyone, even rookies, because he's not very good. Asking Deese's opinion in this matter is like asking Robert Downey Jr. what sobriety is like. Trusting Deese's opinion in this matter is inanity.
"Thanks to a background in karate, Carter is baffling blockers with an endless assortment of counter moves," wrote ESPN's Clayton.
At first, this reminded us of the good old days of watching Marquez Pope do his karate shtick while John Madden mumbled some All-Madden type stuff (funny, now that Pope's no longer on the Niners, we never see that any more).
But the next picture that came to mind was of Carter as a Wuxia warrior, lifting off the ground at snap, whipping his arms at superhuman speed to pummel a pathetic blocker and lopping off the head of Kurt Warner with the Green Destiny.
This just in: the Rams have signed Chow Yun-Fat to backup Orlando Pace.
"After his preseason debut against the Chargers," added Clayton, "Carter, who is near-sighted, purchased contacts for the first time because he believes seeing the quarterback better will improve his already quick take-off from the line."
This was a well-documented problem for Carter in college, who once, due to a lack of 20/20 vision, mistakenly sacked Cal mascot Oski the Bear instead of the opposing quarterback. It was amazing that the Niners actually expended a top 10 pick on Carter given his dearth of vision, but apparently their trust in their crack training staff to come up with such ingenious, new technology -- contact lenses -- has paid off. Now Carter can see the entire 7 yards away to the football, and there's no stopping him (Hint: sarcasm).
To conclude, the media are a bunch of Bandwagon morons who invent the most ridiculous reasons to hype 49ers. As for the NHS, we are going to stick with our original assessment that Carter will probably be a solid player and, sure, maybe he can be a star. But unlike our media friends, we're going to wait at least until Carter actually registers a sack against someone other than useless Derrick Deese in practice to leap to that conclusion.
August 27, 2001 (NHS) -- One upon a time, Joe Montana was the best ever. Then he was booted to make way for Steve Young, who was the best ever until the people voted to replace him with Elvis Grbac, who became "an embarrassment to humankind", and then Young was the best ever again, and so on and so forth into the ever after...
Just a quick reminder that we shouldn't be remotely surprised by the fickle Bandwagon any more. After all, it seems like only yesterday that Garrison Hearst was being universally hyped by the Bandwagon.
Actually, it was yesterday.
But today, coach Steve Mariucci claims the man slated as the starting 49ers running back might not even make the team. And, no, we can't think of a more rude interruption to the Best Comeback Ever Since Jerry Came Back From Knee Surgery, as the Hearst story had been playing out in the media.
Up until this moment, the media's take thus far could be paraphrased as follows:
"Hearst, a Pro Bowl talent, one of the elite backs of the NFL, was lost in a crushing stroke of bad luck during the playoffs two years ago, costing the 49ers at least one Super Bowl. But finally he's back to his superstar form, ready to lead the up-and-coming Niner team back to their rightful place on top."
Putting aside this Bandwagon baloney, even we would've sent some kudos Hearst's way for all his hard work and dedication this offseason. Of course, we would also temper that with the need to deflate the hype behind Hearst. The Bandwagon media has overrated Hearst like all things Niner, so we have to put some truth on the record:
Hearst, at his very best, taking into account his injury-prone history, is nothing more than an average NFL back.
Period.
As we said in March 1997, "The 49ers signed a potentially decent, often-injured running back. Unfortunately for 49er fans, Hearst has been mostly potential and little performance. Hearst has amassed just 2,350 yards and only 3 rushing touchdowns in his 4-year career."
To term Hearst's signing back then as a gamble would have been too generous. He had already bucked the odds and become the NFL's Comeback Player of the Year, so it was pushing it to think his injury woes would stay in the past. Yet, we all know what happened. For those who believe in such things, Hearst quickly became the poster boy for the allegation that the 49ers are the luckiest sports franchise in history. His injury problems magically vanished. As if by sleight of hand, Hearst stopped losing fumbles (it took until his fourth game in his second season of starting for the 49ers for him to finally lose a fumble after losing 10 of 13 fumbles in the previous seasons with Cinci and Arizona). In addition, the 49ers continued to play the worst defenses in the NFL, and lo and behold, a new chapter in the book of 49er Genius was born. Hearst racked up career highs in every statistical category (he garnered more numbers in his two years with the Niners than his previous four year career), and the Bandwagon quickly anointed Hearst among the "elite" backs of the NFL and even went so far as trumpeting the "power running game" of the wussy 49ers.
The highlight of Hearst hype occurred after he ran for a 96-yard TD in overtime to beat the Jets in the 1998 49ers' home opener. For any other team and any other player, the run would have been termed good or even great, archived in the team's yearly highlights, and quickly forgotten. But this is the 49ers, so NFL Films christened it with their official title of "The Greatest Run Ever", even better than the run that formerly held the NFL Films title by Steve Young (coincidentally, also a 49er).
Even Hearst's "final" act was an exercise in hype. Hearst snapped his ankle on the first play from scrimmage in the 1998 playoff game in Atlanta. The Falcons proceeded to manhandle the overmatched Niners -- only referee intervention prohibited a blowout and the 49ers were bounced from yet another postseason in which they didn't belong.
Yet, almost a year later in November 1999, Bandwagon sites like the San Jose Mercury, as well as radio stations like KNBR, were still lamenting, "A year ago, the 49ers were a Garrison Hearst ankle injury from graduating to the NFC championship game," and there are those still whining about it today.
The NHS's take on Hearst's final injury, of course, was closer to the target, "Given his history, it could be said that it wasn't bad luck that Hearst got injured, but the 49ers' good fortune that he had even lasted this long."
So here we are, two years later, once again having to remind people that Hearst is actually not the next Barry Sanders (a comparison actually made by Matt Millen during that Atlanta playoff game -- we don't make this stuff up, folks). Even assuming that if any team can benefit from such serendipity of having a player rebound for a second career Comeback Player of the Year Award, it's the Niners, still -- at best -- his comeback gives the 49ers an average, fragile, overrated running back. Which, up until yesterday, apparently seemed to fit the Bandwagon just fine (see: myriad ESPN.com headlines trumpeting Hearst's great progress this offseason).
Today, however, it's being reported that good ol' lovable Mooch won't even commit to Hearst making the final roster.
In explaining, Mooch cited a tired old whine we've heard from the Niners these past three years: that mean old salary cap. Even though Hearst is only making the minimum salary ($477,000) of a veteran with his NFL experience, apparently, that's a huge barrier that "Teams well under the cap don't have to worry about."
Aww, gee, poor Mooch. He just has to face so much adversity that it's amazing he's able to average five wins a year over the past two seasons (if we allow the definition of "adversity" to include self-made problems like the Niners' constant mismanagement of their salary cap number).
Also, "Mariucci praised Hearst for his courage and determination in getting this far," according to the media. Translation: "Mooch made it clear that if he cans Hearst, the Bandwagon will still think he's classy."
All in all, this must've been quite a Monday morning for Hearst when he grabbed the paper and learned he's on the cutting block.
At least they didn't call him an embarrassment to humankind.
July 27, 2001 (NHS) -- Hey, any dads out there with a kid who's okay at quarterback? Not be the best or even near it, but maybe pretty good? Well, consider this a public service message: don't give up on the dream that your son can play in the NFL. After all, all it seems to take these days is "modest arm strength and decent athletic skills".
That's right, your kid doesn't have to be the strongest or most athletic or amazingly talented -- modest or decent will do -- and you could be watching your progeny earn $36 million playing for the lovable San Francisco 49ers.
That's how much the contract Jeff Garcia (a.k.a. "Garthia" to NHS insiders) just signed could bring him over a possible six years. The contract is one of those Niner "master capologist" specials so loaded with contingent incentives and bonuses that he could probably end up making $100 million, which is fine with us 49er-haters. The more that Garthia costs against the salary cap the better, considering his talent level.
To say that the undrafted, former CFL player doesn't deserve to be in the NFL is an understatement. In fact, it was just three years ago that he wasn't. The 49ers themselves were never really sold on Garthia, thus explaining the draft picks of Gio Carmazzi and Tim Rattay, and the acquisition of Rick Mirer of all people. But all that has been swept under the rug due to Garthia's "amazing", "Pro Bowl" caliber season last year.
The signing was quickly proclaimed "the most important long-term deal made with an NFL offensive star" by the notorious 49er-smooching Sporting News. Other "expert" commentary included more disgusting superlatives for Garthia, such as his having "panache", and the requisite listing of Garthia's great statistics last year.
Naturally, nobody in the media stopped to point out that Garthia is just the next in line of 49er quarterbacks to ride the cheesy 2-yard slant offense and weak schedule to a successful season. Nobody in the media would print that the average defense Garthia played against ranked 20th (only 1 opponent ranked in the top 10, New Orleans, while 8 of the games -- half the season -- were played against teams in the bottom third of the rankings, 23rd or worse).
So when you take the truth into account, it looks like once again the Niners shirked fiscal responsibility. Based on one overrated year, they overpaid for a mediocre, 31-year old player and structured the contract once again in their classic style that will count hard against future caps -- especially if he suffers a serious injury, a very likely possibility given that Garthia plays like a spaz and is undersized.
The lone strand of honesty was found at Smooch Central, ESPN.com, of all places. Couched in their "Garcia best ever" news, they actually included a legitimate assessment of Garthia as possessing "modest arm strength and decent athletic skills".
Now if only they would admit that perfectly describes Montana and Young, too, we'd be making some progress.
July 23, 2001 (NHS) -- Once upon a time, we at the NHS termed 1997 as "perhaps the most important year in our history of 49er-hating" because it may have been the apex of the 49er Problem: the arrogance, ignorance, hypocrisy and double-standards associated with the 49ers.
Highlighting 1997 was 11 games in a row and 12 games overall (75% of their schedule) against teams .500 or worse, which meant 11 wins in a row and an overall 13-3 record for a team with obviously mediocre talent at best. Well, obvious to us alone. For the rest of the Bandwagon media, every day was a new opportunity to add to the laundry list of labeling an aspect or player associated with the 49ers as "best ever": Steve Mariucci, the best rookie coach ever; the defense, the best in NFL history; Terrell Owens, the best next Jerry ever; and so on.
1997 might also have been the biggest season of referee cheating -- er, gratuitous/questionable calls on the part of officials to keep the Niners competitive. For example, a stretch of five games in a row witnessed funky calls, noncalls and classic referee "49er huddles" which helped the 49ers along their merry way. And all this was happening with The Almighty Jerry sitting injured on the sidelines. (Naturally, nobody except us pointed out that maybe we should question Jerry's greatness if the team actually performed better without him...)
This isn't to say the 49ers sucked, but it was obvious they had 7-9 or 8-8 talent at best, and yet thanks to this astounding schedule and referee chicanery/luck, they were headed to home field advantage in the playoffs! And the most unbelievable part of it was that only the NHS would talk about it. (Naturally, a couple years later when the Rams finally availed themselves of the easy NFC West schedule en route to the Super Bowl, it was all of the sudden hip for every media outlet to mention strength of schedule...)
Yes, the 49er Bandwagon was living a fantasy in 1997, and while obviously every 49er benefited from this incredible load of crap of a schedule, Dana "Stubbah" Stubblefield was among the biggest offenders. He amassed 61 total tackles, 50 solo, and 15 sacks, and capped his "amazing" season by winning the NFL Defensive Player of the Year Award. (Naturally, Minnesota's John Randle had more sacks at the same position, but this wasn't enough to sway the "expert" media panel in charge of the award...)
The always humble Stubby reasoned he won the award for the following reasons: "I think a lot of it just has to do with my attitude, of me going out there and saying, 'I don't care who we play or when we play, I have to be ready.' Whatever the situation, I have to come out and be ready and perform so my teammates can get that feeling of being able to count on me, so they can rely on me coming up and making a big play."
Speaking of who they played and coming up big, let's get to the reality of Dana Stubblefield in 1997:
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| Denver |
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| Minnesota |
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Total:
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In case you hadn't guessed, these 4 games represent the only games in which the 49ers played winning teams in 1997. And, in case you hadn't guessed it, Stubbah was a complete joke in these games. But bring on a pathetic opponent in a meaningless game and watch out! Stubbah racked up the sacks and reaped the awards.
One of the most meaningless games was a midseason contest against Philly (6-9-1), but you wouldn't know it from the AP News description: "In a Monday night showcase at Philadelphia, [Stubbah] had 3 1/2 sacks and constantly was in the Eagles' backfield disrupting plays."
A "showcase" . . . against a 6-win team??
"I think my zone came in the Philadelphia game," Stubbah remarked, "I think that game, whatever they did or wherever I lined up, there was no way they were going to stop me . . . That was a dream game."
It's always a Niner dream game when you can run up your stats without honor against garbage teams, and 1997 was like a stroll through Disneyland's Magic Kingdom for 'Frisco. Stubbah, the clown prince of this monarchy, enjoyed the party a little too much and was busted for driving under the influence of alcohol. (Naturally, the media felt it best to overlook this and Stubbah's 1995 domestic violence arrest as factors in their awards voting, since class is a standard apparently only applied to voting against Cowboys...)
Finally, in the end of November 1997, the 49ers' string of playing 11 filthy opponents in a row came to an end. A thumping came at the hands of playoff-bound Kansas City, who exposed the Whiners with finality as pretenders, 44-9. After that, it was just a matter of waiting for the posers to be bounced hard once again out of yet another postseason they didn't deserve to be in.
Meanwhile, Stubbah parlayed his bogus awards and stats into a fat contract with the Redskins. The logical and predictable outcome took shape: Stubbah completely lacked any impact on the field for Washington. Off the field, he sucked off the teat of their salary cap like a bloated tick. The media alternated between feigning confusion as to what was wrong with the tackle formerly known as "best ever" and taking potshots at the formerly classy Niner. Overall, fans remained completely oblivious to the parallel between the collapse of the pretender player and his pretender former team. The most laughable explanation for Stubbah's "demise": that it was due to the lack of having Bryant Young next to him -- the beauty being that not only is this the classic technique of the "49er Excuse", but it also managed to imply greatness in the overrated Young at the same time.
So it's only apropos that now that the Bandwagon is revving up and the media is overrating a bad 49ers team that Stubbah comes home to bathe in The Problem once again. Quotes a' plenty abound about how Stubbah and "B.Y." are "great players" who used to be "the best tackle tandem in football" and they can teach the young defense how to be great. The media is even conspiring to rebuild his image to that of a classy 49er. For example, the S.F. Chronicle weaved into their story, "After his brief workout, Stubblefield joined Young for lunch and joked that his wife, Kim, a Bay Area native, already was in contact with local real-estate agents."
Yep, no mention if this is the same wife who was the victim in Stubbah's former domestic dispute. He's just a lovable jokester, a genuine family man rejoining the 49er family.
And the real scary part is that the schedule is still almost as easy as it was before.
July 27, 2001 (NHS) -- Folks, bow your heads in silence. The NFL is teetering on the edge of losing an "unheralded warrior" and "class act".
What, you didn't catch that announcement? What's your problem? Aren't you a real fan? Don't you understand that Junior Bryant may never play again?
Okay, if you're through wiping away the tears, or in case you are like many NFL fans and wondering who the hell he is, let's bring you up to speed. Junior Bryant is a complete, utter waste of space that manned the 49ers' approximation of a defensive line these past few years. Undrafted out of college, he managed to play for the 49ers for six years for a grand total of a whopping 13 career sacks.
So why are we wasting any time whatsoever mentioning him?
Well, when he re-signed with the Niners before the 2000 season, an amazing amount of hype was invested in him. Bryant was termed the team's "number one offseason priority". He was talked about as "the type of person and player that you want to build around", even though, character-wise, you would think that there would be at least some mention of Bryant's arrest for driving under the influence. Finally, Bill Walsh even had the gall to proclaim, "Junior Bryant has developed into one of the premier defensive linemen in football."
So of course, instead of calling Walsh a senile old fool for such an irresponsible statement, the media began tripping all over themselves to heap accolades on the perfectly nondescript journeyman. So instead of getting the truth from our newspapers and Internet, we're greeted with ESPN.com's take that if Bryant is forced into retirement due to his neck injury, "the Niners will have lost an unheralded warrior and class act."
Yes, it's going to rock the very foundation and rip apart the fabric of the sport of football, but we might just have to learn to survive without the class and warrior spirit of the great Junior Bryant.
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created: July 27, 2001
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