Smooch Alert

(updated below)

September 26, 2003 (NHS) -- Chris Mortenson is working overtime at ESPN these days at smooching the 49ers. First was his audacious gall to actually move the 49ers up in his personal power rankings to the #5 best team in the NFL after week 2. Mind you, this was after losing to the Rams!

This week, he lists 49ers-Cleveland among his list of most exciting games, then states, "Actually, it was a painful game to watch, but the Browns hung around and averted a 0-3 start."

Gee, Mort, if it was so painful, why did you watch the game then? Just because the Niners are one of your favorite teams?

The Browns didn't make his list of "Most Impressive in Victory" -- not surprising considering the above lukewarm description. Does "hung around" really capture the essence of the way Cleveland shut out the "best ever" 49ers offense from the endzone and rolled to two TDs in the 4th quarter against the "#1 ranked" Niner D? Apparently in Mort's opinion. Guess a quarterback leading a team to a last minute comeback on the road with a broken leg doesn't count for much these days.

As insipid as Mort's above comment is, taking the cake is how he lists "49ers at Minnesota" among his upcoming "Best Games: Week 4". Says Mort, "The 49ers are too good to start 1-3 and the unbeaten Vikings might be ripe."

Wow, Mort, you really think the Vikings might be ripe? What gave it away, the cracked spine of Duante Culpepper? Randy Moss's back spasms? Michael Bennett's foot?

But, really, the bottom line to this garbage is summed up in Mort's little belief that his Best Ever Niners are just "too good to be 1-3".

One would think an objective journalist -- or even a sane human being -- would actually require some evidence to back up such faith. Because right now, the only exhibits on record of the 49ers' talent are that they just lost at home to a previously winless Browns team that had just given up the NFL-record 295 yards rushing to a guy in one game and sporting a crippled QB to boot. The 49ers are 1-2 against opponents with a combined record of 2-7 (0-6 if you remove the 49ers games).

Which, of course, translates into "too good to start 1-3".

Thank you, Mort, for proving we don't make this stuff up. You're a perfect example of the typical pro-Whiner media trying to plug the leaks of the sinking Bandwagon ship. With such fearless (and brainless and biased) predictions, we may have to start calling you "Swami".

Update 10/17/03:

Mort finally mentions 49ers again

Last we heard from ESPN's Chris Mortensen on the subject of the 49ers was in his week three "Top 5 Lists" at ESPN.com, where he was boldly declaring the 49ers were "too good to start 1-3" so they would beat the "ripe" for upset Vikings.

Final score: Minnesota 35, San Francisco 7, Mort zero.

In his following "Top 5 Lists" for weeks four and five, Mort did not utter the word "49ers".

That's right -- go to the Mort archives, pull up those articles and do a search. The word "49ers" appears nowhere. No apology, no admission that he was a complete rube for backing the 49ers so ridiculously, no mention of the 49ers whatsoever -- he just slid the whole topic under a dark rock somewhere, hoping we'd all forget his inexcusable 49er smooching.

But now the vow of silence on his favorite team has been lifted. In his week six "Top 5 Lists", Mort's return to discussing the 49ers was a simple listing of the 49ers-Seahawks game among his best games of the week and the comment: "You knew that botched PAT would haunt the 49ers, who made a wonderful second half comeback only to leave with broken hearts."

Gee, Mort, are you sure it wasn't YOU that left crying with a broken heart?

Well, at least Mort got to throw out that missed PAT to use as an excuse, as all good Niner Faithful enjoy doing. As far as the "comeback" being "wonderful" in the opinion of the teary-eyed Mort, perhaps we should point out that the only reason the game was close was because of 105 penalty yards thanks to five personal fouls called against Seattle. Of course, Mort ignores that and calls it "wonderful", yet when Mort last mentioned the 49ers, he had nothing "wonderful" to say about Kelly Holcomb driving the Browns 90 yards on a broken leg straight through the heartless 49ers defense ... just a ho-hum summation that "Cleveland hung around".

Kind of like how there's nothing "wonderful" about ESPN any more, they just continue to hang around with the same tired old pro-49er shtick.