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2005: a Preseason of HypeThe solicitation of
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2005: a Preseason of HypeThe solicitation of
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August 16, 2005 (NHS) -- One might think that the biggest Bandwagon in the sports universe would have completely abandoned the 49ers by now after a 2-14 season, but to think that would be a complete misunderstanding of The 49er Problem. Going hand-in-hand with their gargantuan Bandwagon is a correspondingly-mountainous bureaucracy of hype that services it. The 49er Spin Machine has been working overtime during the offseason -- so successfully that the many 49er fans that were ready to ditch faster than you could say "John York's a cheapskate" now have become optimists in thinking that their last place team is at least going in the right direction -- and it's a view completely manufactured by hype.
The 2005 offseason has witnessed such an amazing glut of propaganda that we decided to write a five-part series detailing it. Clearly, the battle is intentional. With their ratings and revenues on the line the pro-49er media and the team itself had no other choice. And lucky for them there's no sports group as easily swayed and susceptible to image and spin than the 49er Bandwagon.
Indeed, after closing out the miserable 2004 season ripping on the Dennis Erickson era and nailing York to the cross for his parsimoniousness, the media almost dug their own grave. The running joke of the "49er Faithful" showed there is no such thing as fans hopped off the Bandwagon in droves. The no-shows even outnumbered the seagulls at 3MonsterStick Park. There was even talk that the old line money of those original "die hards" (the ones that hopped on the Bandwagon overnight in 1981) that has kept the "sell out" facade alive by buying tickets -- and then not showing up -- was finally drying up.
But just when it looked bleak, the Bandwagon was brought back from the brink over the offseason. Part of the credit goes to the team itself. They embarked in an unprecedented marketing campaign to keep the lie going, starting with York's ridiculous "open letter" charade.
However, most of the credit continues to lie with the media. Instead of laughing at and exposing the team's embarrassing P.R. stunts, they pander to them. Locally, the 49ers enjoy an untouched, lofty, god-like status where not one scintilla of negative press is allowed. Nationally, it may be worse, with every powerful sportscaster -- from Chris Berman to Al Michaels to John Madden -- shoveling their Bay Area homerisms on a public that is ignorant of their provincial bias. Certainly no other sports franchise has such a dedicated group of people willing to completely trash any notion of respect, be it for themselves or their profession, than the 49ers. These so-called "journalists" sell out every semblance of integrity and professionalism and simply dish out pablum and propaganda when it comes to the 49ers.
Finally, it would all be a wasted effort if not for the bottom line: the Bandwagon fans themselves. Only the arrogant, ignorant, hypocritical dot-fans of the Bay Area would allow themselves to be so duped. While many old-timers have hopped off the Bandwagon faster than you can say "I used to go to Kezar", there's an entire new generation of 49er fans born post-1981 that are out to prove themselves "faithful" even though they have no concept of what that means. It's this segment of fans that is snapping up their chance to finally show they are "die hard" that is now driving the Bandwagon. Until, that is, when they realize what it actually means to have to root for a bad team and they find some convenient excuse.
But as of now, things are rosy in Bandwagon Nation. The fact that the team is horrible has taken a back seat thanks to the unceasing Bandwagon blather, which we now examine. In part I, we take a look at how NFL.com started pushing the hype as early as May 2005. In part II, we examine how they fully developed the hype around Mike Nolan and Alex Smith. Part III looks at another piece of the media hype, how they built a non-story like the team's transition to the 3-4 defense into something of substance. Part IV ridicules the team's ridiculous "faithful" marketing campaign. And finally, part V concludes the offseason by documenting the complete failures of Nolan and Smith in the first preseason game.
May 13, 2005 (NHS) -- So it's May 2005, and you're a Niner-hater jonesin' for some offseason news on your favorite NFL team. Stupidly, you go to NFL.com. Naively, you think the league's "official" web site would give a fair and balanced sampling of news important to all 32 NFL teams -- or, heaven forbid, news covering the most exciting, competitive teams.
Instead, it's a goddamn Niner love-fest.
On May 11th, a disproportionately large picture of Mike Nolan greets the visitor. He's clothed in a gaudy SF jacket, mean looking sunglasses, and an intense scowl. The message is clear: the new coach is just oh-so-tough and focused that the days of the Wussy Whiners are over. Anyone who thinks the 2-14ers are the worst team in football is kidding themselves, because The Best Team Ever is on its way back to respectability!
Or as the San Francisco Chronicle's Ray Ratto, as reprinted at ESPN.com, put it: "Judging by the obsequious fawning over the 49ers' first minicamp, it seems clear that anything less than 11-5 should result in coach Mike Nolan's firing."
"Obsequious fawning"? Wow, what a haughty phrase for "Niner ass-licking". And you know when a pro-Niner shill like Ratto is mentioning the Bandwagon hype, he's understating it. Hell, ESPN was even able to spin the highlight of Alex Smith fumbling, bumbling and stumbling his first snap at minicamp into a positive for their lovable 49ers ...
In and of itself, the unending pro-Niner hype is sickening, but it's especially so today considering the tiny fact that the 49ers are officially the worst team in the NFL by virtue of their 2-14 record. It would be one thing if it was just one day, but it's every day. And on this particular day, NFL.com's goal was to spin the image of Nolan -- a guy with a grand total of ZERO games as a head coach on his resume -- into a modern-day Knute Rockne.
Their purported reason of displaying the resplendent picture of Mr. Oh-So-Tough Guy was to accompany their headline story, Vic Carucci's "Ask Vic" column, where -- big surprise -- the first two "totally random" questions fielded involved their lovable Niners.
The first question asked how the 49ers will fare in their transition to the 3-4 defense. We deal with this hilarity in Part III, below. The second question concerned Aaron Rodgers, and despite the fact he is a Green Bay Packer, it still counts as a Niner question. That's because Rodgers possesses the two qualities the Bandwagon loves most: Bay Area roots and drama. It's pathetic, yes, but forever Niner fans will feel a personal stake in Rodgers' career as if he was a 49er, and should he do well, they will proudly take a slice of credit for producing him instead of the reality that their team blew it by not taking him (see: the lunacy of myriad local media references today of how "Tom Brady grew up a Joe Montana fan", as if that's the basis for his success).
But let's get to the real issue, namely, why is Carucci even fielding questions about the 49ers, and why is NFL.com featuring them in pictures and headlines in May 2005? In case the media has made you forget, THEY ARE THE WORST TEAM IN THE NFL!
As if the front page photo banner wasn't enough, the third headline down on NFL.com on the same day was "Fantasy: Niners' draft should help RB Barlow". Help him what? Suck a little less than his 3.4 yards per carry? Achieve the impossible dream of being slightly less of a jerk? We didn't actually check out that story to confirm, we were more concerned with the fact that two of NFL.com's first three headlines on May 11th were about the 49ers -- and if we haven't mentioned it before, THEY ARE THE WORST TEAM IN THE NFL!
Filling in the space around the front page were not one, not two, but three different pictures of Alex Smith jerseys. Now certainly NFL.com just displayed these because Smith was the #1 pick so gets to be the image on those vital ad links to sell jerseys (it has nothing to do with hyping the Niners, no ...) -- which is totally sad considering there's not a more boring, vanilla jersey in the history of sports. Anyone buying one of these seriously needs help.
Finally, we would be remiss if we didn't point out the two additional links to articles on Terrell Owens that round out this typical day at NFL.com. Like the Aaron Rodgers headline, this isn't technically a "49er link", but in reality it is. Anything about Owens feeds directly to Bandwagon fools that still think the 49ers would have gone to the Super Bowl "if that cheapskate owner would have kept the Best Receiver Ever!" (And in case you're confused, the "best receiver ever" is now Owens, not Jerry, who was the Best Ever and should have been kept by the 49ers, too, and still is the Best Ever, along with Owens, who replaced Jerry even though he was irreplaceable, and so on and so forth ...)
And speaking of which, that's the only good news at NFL.com these days -- no articles on Jerry -- at least until The Best Retirement Ever (hopefully coming soon) ...
May 26, 2005 (NHS) -- Some people may have thought we were exaggerating when we wrote above, "It would be one thing if it was just one day, but it's every day." And they're right, it is an exaggeration -- but only slightly.
The above was a review of May 11, 2005, when basically the entire NFL.com web site was devoted to hyping the 49ers. Fifteen days later, on May 26, 2005, they are at it again. So while it's not "every day", it's damn close -- and way too often considering -- and say it with us this time -- THE 49ERS ARE THE WORST TEAM IN THE NFL!
The May 26th roster of NFL.com's 49er butt-kissing is as follows:
To wrap things up on this day, NFL.com even finally had their long-awaited splooge surrounding Jerry Rice, but instead of his retirement announcement, Rice skulked off to join ex-49ers coach Mike Shanahan in Denver after no one else would take such filth. But the caption to the NFL.com video snippet read instead: "Rice driven by passion for the game".
A drive that comes nowhere close to NFL.com's passion for 49er propaganda.
August 3, 2005 (NHS) -- It looked so good at first. The 49ers hired the son of a former coach with ties to their legitimate history before 1981 -- before the salary cap cheating, the hype and the lies. But just about the same time "Star Wars, Revenge of the Sith" was released this summer, the evil that really is Mike Nolan's father became apparent -- the 49er Problem.
Nolan, at his very first press conference in January, quickly partnered with the media to cast himself as a Tough Guy / Mariucci-Mora hybrid, spitting out all the pathetic cliches of "The 49er Way" -- which we know in reality translates into meaning nothing more than arrogance, ignorance, hypocrisy and double-standards. Indeed, a Chronicle article on January 20th even referred to him as, "Mooch II". To cap it off, Nolan's even bringing back the cowardly and cheesy West Coast offense, hoping a time warp back to the gimmick of the 1980s is still the answer for a last-place team with no talent.
His efforts have not gone unappreciated by our pro-Niner sports media that has been starving for 49er attention since the boring Dennis Erickson era. The media has lapped up Nolan to the point that that he's being treated as if he's the holy reincarnation of Knute Rockne, despite the fact that Nolan lacks even one play of head coaching experience in his life.
What exactly Nolan has done to garner such media goodwill is a mystery of the universe. Well, maybe not -- we've exposed in detail the fact that guys like ESPN's Chris Mortensen are simply pro-49er butt-kissers looking to hype anything they can about their favorite team.
So it's no surprise that Mort wrote an article entitled, "49ers in good hands" about Nolan way back in April, in which Mort virtually placed the brand-spanking new coach among the league's elite. "Nolan has given (me, at least) a glimpse that he is well equipped for his first head-coaching job."
We didn't read the whole thing and can't give you the link to the story because it's a fee-based "insider" article (and if you actually pay any money to ESPN to be an "insider", please admit yourself to Bellevue now). But we can only imagine there's an image of the Rock of Gibraltar or perhaps the Chevy theme song, "Like a Rock", playing in the background when you click on it. Like the NFL.com article mentioned in Part I above, the media has been on a virtual crusade to fashion Nolan's tough-guy image, even though he's done nothing tough whatsoever to deserve it in his few weeks on the job.
But it's that article from the Chronicle on January 20th that might be the best example of how early and how moronic the hype has been. The swooning, knee-buckling, groupie-like infatuation that the writer has for Nolan based on one little press conference is as typical as it gets for the Bandwagon press. After all, who cares that Nolan hasn't actually done anything? All that matters is that he talks the right way and makes little stupid jokes that only a Bandwagon idiot would find clever. For them, words and image, not substance, is the end all, be all of important qualities to a coach, because you can spin hype from it.
So it was no surprise that by February, Niner fans were already posting unfounded, ignorant takes on the Internet such as this quote from the MrFantasy.com forum, "(Nolan) reminds me of a hybrid of Mariucci and Mora Jr. He's more of a defensive guru but he has the personality of Mooch."
Gee, fellas, can't we save the Best Ever Guru talk until Nolan's coached at least one down as the 49ers' head coach?
Today, the hyping of Nolan continues in any preview article of the 49ers. Nolan is the lead paragraph, the main topic to the point one would think that the 49ers officially changed their name to "Mike Nolan's 49ers", which if you think about it is ridiculous. Last we checked, Nolan isn't taking any snaps, catching any passes, rushing the passer or manning any one of the myriad positions where the 49ers lack NFL-quality talent. So why is he the story? Ask the Bandwagon. They're the ones that can't just leave it as "this team looks to be a last place team again". They have to manufacture some positive spin when it comes to the 49ers, no matter how big of a stretch, as if by law.
True, we see this kind of attention to a coach when say, for example, a Bill Parcels takes over in Dallas or Joe Gibbs comes back to Washington. But note the huge, huge, HUGE difference: those guys are Hall of Famers and Super Bowl winners, whereas Nolan HAS NEVER BEEN A HEAD COACH BEFORE IN HIS LIFE!
The fact that Nolan has mastered such an incredible benefit of the doubt without earning it is nothing more than a tribute to the 49er Problem. Indeed, the only other time we've seen such an unqualified person gather so much hype was when Steve Mariucci went to Detroit thanks to his perverted relationship with the Bandwagon media.
And now we have "Mooch II" to hate.
After months of hearing from the Bandwagon how perfect a fit Aaron Rodgers would be, the 49ers drafted Alex Smith instead, and suddenly Smith became the "next best ever" 49er quarterback that will shape the destiny of the entire NFL.
Not true, you say? An exaggeration, you say? Well, let's just pull out one quote from reliable ol' ESPN.com: "From the looks of him on the practice field in camp, Smith is a mix of Young and Montana."
(Funny how poor Jeff Garcia gets left out, apparently he wasn't "best ever" enough to be included?)
Anyway, if that quote doesn't have you gagging, try some more from the usual Rogue's gallery of Niner ass-kissers:
Okay, so let's recap:
We'd say that we're flabbergasted by the amazing arrogance and ignorance for the Bandwagon to think their little team is so important it dictates the destiny of the entire NFL, but hey, we're Niner-haters and used to it by now. And with such pearls of wisdom flying about, one might be tempted to think perhaps the Bandwagon is going a tad overboard with the Smith hype and running the risk that people might actually wake up to the little ol' NHS's message that the 49ers are overrated.
Well, despite the Joe Montana references, the most realistic comparison is to another Joe with the perfect name for this occasion: Joe Smith. In 1995 the Golden State Warriors basketball team found themselves with the first pick in a draft with no consensus #1 player. They ended up taking Joe Smith, who never really became a superstar. So far, Alex Smith is following that pattern to a tee. Not one team or expert believed he was #1 pick caliber, and in any other year he wouldn't have gone first; odds are, he also won't become a superstar.
So before we start modeling Smith's bust for Canton (which busts, in case you didn't know, are sculpted by a friend of Bill Walsh's -- true story), let's pull back the reigns a wee bit, shall we? All we know about Smith so far is that he apparently is doing well in training camp. Of course, the truth might be that the 49ers' defense is so awful that many Pop Warner quarterbacks could look good in training camp. But evidently such a branch of logic eludes our lovable media.
We did find one gem of truth out there: On Yahoo! Sports, former wide receiver Cris Carter wrote a season preview of quarterbacks and named as his "rookie to watch" Jason Campbell. "It's not Alex Smith. I don't like the situation the No. 1 pick is going into with the San Francisco 49ers. He's going to get knocked around a lot, and we know that all rookie quarterbacks struggle. Plus he's on the worst team in the NFL."
OMG, somebody in the media finally remembered that last tiny little fact?
Sure, we Niner-haters are used to idiotic Bandwagon hype, but in this case the spin around Smith and Nolan is particularly galling. For one, neither of these gentlemen have an ounce of experience whatsoever, yet they're being regarded as old salts that can redirect the fortunes of the most foundering franchise in the NFL.
That leads to the bottom line here, that if ever there was a time for truth, this would be it. You can get much clearer than this: the 49ers are the worst team in the NFL. They went 2-14. The entire reason why they have Smith is because they were bad enough to get the #1 selection in the draft. If ever there was a time for honesty in the media, it would be now, but instead it is clear that they will remain on the Bandwagon no matter what.
The sad thing is, after this offseason of behaving exactly like every year of the past, on the weekend before the season kicks off, every Bandwagon media outlet will run their predictions and name the 49ers to come in last place. It will be as if these last seven months of hype never happened. They won't care that if you add up all their Nolan and Smith smooching, the net result should be 49ers in the Super Bowl. Their lack of accountability and their sheer hypocrisy will be lost on most -- but at least not on Niner-haters who know better.
August 16, 2005 (NHS) -- When you're the worst team in the NFL there shouldn't be much to talk about, but the amazing Bandwagon media continues to churn out non-stories as if their lovable little team was set to make a "best ever" run to the Super Bowl.
On one hand, it's understandable. These journalists need their jobs so they have to manufacture something about the 49ers. But do they have to completely push an incorrect opinion while only giving one side of the story, the pro-49er side?
Well, duh, of course they do, that's why they're the Bandwagon -- and why the NHS has to exist to call B.S. on it.
Couched among all the Mike Nolan and Alex Smith hype this offseason you'll find more of this type of media idiocy in the coverage of the 49ers' transition to the 3-4 defense. Indeed, if you were unaware of the 49er-haters website, you would be brainwashed into thinking that the 2005-2006 Niners were on the verge of defensive greatness instead of coming off a campaign where they gave up the most points in football.
For an example of how the 49ers' "best ever transition to the 3-4" is being discussed, see this article from the usual culprit, the San Jose Mercury (which was then distributed throughout all the Knight Ridder papers).
What you see is just what is expected, an article discussing 100% solely the "good side" of the transition: (a) Nolan is committed to the switch; (b) Nolan ran the 3-4 defense with the Ravens, and they were a great defense; (c) The strength of the 49ers' defense is their "best ever" linebackers, led by everyone's consensus All-Universe Defensive MVP, Julian Peterson; and (d) the transition is also a good fit for their formerly terrible but now suddenly stalwart defensive line.
But it's not just local. Everywhere you see "experts" sounding off that "this is the right move for the Niners", as RealFootball365.com put it. Even NFL.com, the league's "official" website, is guilty. Vic Carucci, in his May 11, 2005 "Ask Vic" column, fielded a question posed by a woman of mystery named "Victoria". You'll note she has no home town or last name, apparently -- just a first name that's coincidentally close to the author's name of "Vic" -- but she does have a deep concern (deep in the offseason of May 2005) about how the 49ers will fare in their transition to the 3-4 defense.
It's good to see Vic addressing such questions. After all, many silly people had been operating under the stereotype that 99.9% of female 49er fans are fans simply because they like big, ugly, pin-studded hats or because they thought Joe and Steve were "cute". The image of your typical lady Whiner fan sipping wine, cramming down some brie and not even knowing how many players are on the field has finally been stripped away. Now we see there are "Victorias" out there stressing 24/7 over the technical alignment of the 49ers' defense. You may not realize it, but all over the Bay Area there are countless feisty debates going on about the 3-4, 4-3, 46, Cover-2, and Zone Blitz schemes during "Desperate Housewives" commercials ...
But all joking aside, the actual answer given by Vic (not Victoria) is once again 100% slanted to the point he virtually guarantees a "best ever transition" for the 49ers to the 3-4 alignment due to such reasons as: (a) they are moving Andre Carter to linebacker; and (b) they have rookie Ronald Fields competing at noseguard with Anthony Adams and Isaac Sopoaga.
Pardon us for asking, but how in the hell can these actually be positive reasons?
Vic, stop hittin' the buddha. The truth is:
(a) Carter, forever known as the first-round pick that the 49ers should have forfeited because they cheated the salary cap, was supposed to be "The Next Jevon Kearse" according to Bandwagon pundits like ESPN's John Clayton. Instead, he's been a bust. He's coming off a 2004 campaign where he was injured, awful, and garnered only two sacks -- and this is the guy you want to move to a brand new position? Terrible.
(b) Fields has never played a down in the NFL and is a fifth round pick (that comes after 1, 2, 3 and 4). And according to Vic, it's a good thing to have a 5th-round rookie in the competition to anchor your defense? Um, that's not a tribute to Fields' limitless potential, it's due to the horrid state of the Niner roster. Adams has been mediocre at best after they spent a high draft pick on him. And Sopoaga? What, is he actually going to play football now after being hyped as "The Strongest Draft Pick Ever" over a year ago then disappearing off the face of the earth?
Curiously, the one point we expected Vic to salivate over was the return of undersized Julian Peterson as being the savior for the poor little Whiner defense, replete with all the usual media comparisons of Peterson to Lawrence Taylor we became accustomed to before he was injured two straight years. C'mon, Vic, how can we use all of our stored up ammo we have to blast the overrated Peterson if you won't even bring him up?
But let's step back a minute here. Why, in May 2005, was Carucci even fielding questions about the 49ers, and why is NFL.com featuring them in headlines? In case the all this media hype has made you forget, THEY ARE THE WORST TEAM IN THE NFL!
If Vic really wanted to feign some actual football knowledge and do a piece on a team transitioning to the 3-4 from the 4-3, there are plenty other competitive franchises that are also making the switch this year. At least with those teams there is some talent to discuss and it's plausible to actually answer with a straight face.
Clearly, Vic's just trying to prove the preposterous: (1) that there are actually Niner fans -- men, women, or other -- that would be knowledgeable enough to even know what defense the 49ers line up in; and/or (2) there are still Niner fans that haven't already hopped off the Bandwagon that would even give a rat's ass. Not that we'd ever suggest Vic would pull a Mitch Albom, fabricate a letter to himself, and cleverly sign it with the feminine of his name to really throw us off the scent -- all just to get the 2-14ers some ink in the offseason ...
Despite the Bandwagon's assumption that everything about the 49ers' transition to the 3-4 will be gravy, fact is, most indications are the opposite -- even if the media won't print them. First is that any change of defense involves individual adjustments, and as alluded to above, the 49ers have terrible talent that can ill afford to waste time learning new tricks. Hell, these chumps are going to be hard-pressed during the few weeks of training camp just trying to jell into something resembling an NFL defense.
Even if in theory it's a good fit for some young players, what about the few veterans they do have? Bryant Young, already old, slow and ineffective, is going to have to change his technique for the first time in his career. Derek Smith, their best linebacker (because he came from somewhere else as a free agent) goes from being the lone middle linebacker to sharing that role. To think this transition will happen with magical ease for everyone without the consequences of a learning curve is foolish.
Also being left out of any discussion in the media is noting how the 49ers are completely missing the boat when it comes to recent trends in the NFC West. The Seahawks still have one of the NFL's top backs in Shawn Alexander. The Rams named Steven Jackson their starter because he's bigger and more powerful than Marshall Faulk, who's no slouch in reserve. The Cards could improve at running back with J.J. Arrington, an early fantasy sleeper. In short, the pass-happy division is focusing more on the run.
Successful teams spot trends and make pre-emptive strikes. For example, the Rams signed two free agent linebackers to increase their size to stop the run. A lack of size has been a glaring weakness of the 49ers these past couple years as well. Their overrated linebacking corps of Peterson, Jamie Winborn, etc., may be athletic, but they're small and get run over at will when it comes down to stopping someone on 3rd-and-1. Even a "best ever transition to the 3-4" won't solve that. Nor will it produce a shut-down corner or improve anything about a secondary that gave up almost two passing TDs per game.
The fact that there hasn't been one negative word uttered in the media about the 49ers' transition to the 3-4 raises two possibilities: (1) the media is just that upbeat and positive about the 49ers' chances that they haven't even considered there could be a downside; or (2) they know full well the negatives, but they just won't mention them on purpose.
Certainly, most would conclude the latter -- after all, even the media couldn't be that ignorant. But we can't just dismiss the former. Remember, the Bandwagon had 20-plus years of uncanny luck in their Glory Days which has pushed their attitude far beyond optimism to sheer irrationality. Why shouldn't their transition to the 3-4 be "best ever"? After all, they are the Niners!
But if any sane person looks at it realistically, most indications are that the 49ers will struggle in this transition. They are a bad defense with weaknesses no change in scheme can address. So the real story remains with why the Bandwagon media continues to play stories like these from a 100% Pollyanna angle, with no negative possibilities even considered.
Is the dark side of the 49ers really still such a big secret that it has to be censored? Do they really think the Niner fans are so lame they will buy into the hype if they just refuse to talk about anything negative? Why is the media even pretending to discuss this seriously?
The factual take on the 49ers' transition to the 3-4 is a big, fat, "who cares?" The 49ers' gave up the most points in the NFL last year and will once again be one of the worst defenses in the NFL this year. No matter how much they try to spin it, the moral to the story is that a defense that sucks might, if the planets align and everything works out for the best, suck slightly less.
Shh! Don't tell the Bandwagon!
August 1, 2005 (NHS) -- Take a trip to San Francisco and invariably you'll be met by a homeless person asking for some spare change. If you look closely, standing next to him is none other than John York, owner of the 49ers.
One is a serious social ill. The other is just friggin' hilarious.
Yes, starting with York's "open letter" to the Bandwagon in January, the team has been on a marketing blitz unseen in the last 25 years in a manner almost too embarrassing to describe. It's as if the 49ers have stooped to begging 49ers fans to please refrain from hopping off the Bandwagon. "Mister? Spare some change? Buy a seat out of pure pity?"
The 49ers themselves describe the campaign here at their website, and, wow, is it a crack up. From the horse's mouth, "the campaign unites four pillars that define the 49ers, History, Tradition, Faith and Future."
(We'll pause as you ponder the endless jokes to fill in for each Best Ever Pillar ... History? How about their gambling, felonious owner of the past? ... Tradition? Yeah, their tradition of cheating the salary cap ... Future? Two words: Jeb York ... It's all good ...)
But the most outrageous, galling, over-the-top aspect is actually having the nerve to revolve the ads around the biggest running joke in sports fandom: the "49er Faithful" facade.
Indeed, any human being with a brain -- or even dolphins and primates that can put any sort of rational deduction together -- understands that "49er Faithful" is a complete farce. Fact is, no other sports franchise or entity in the universe is more supported by a fickle, faithless bandwagon than the 49ers. And the fact that the 49ers are so arrogant and ignorant to base their marketing on it is simply too perfect to be true.
As we discussed back when dealing with the Yorks' "open letter" ruse, this whole concept of invoking the term "faithful" while at the very same time having to solicit those who so obviously are not faithful (otherwise why would they need to be wooed back?) is so amazing that it could only happen in Bandwagon Nation due to its superior ignorance of self.
So come on down to 'Frisco, folks, and you'll see it on the sides of buses, in glossy half-page ads in the local papers, and, yes, even on the street corner: the word "faithful" being so perverted that it's a slap in the face to anyone that thought anything the 49ers ever accomplished actually meant something.
Of course, one is tempted to make the "how the mighty have fallen" comments you see so often in the media, but fact is the 49ers' attendance hasn't been about anything of might, strength or substance. It's simply been about a Bandwagon. Now you understand why there's been so much offseason media hype about insane things like Nolan, Smith, and the 3-4 defense. Only the fickle so-called "49er Faithful" would be so driven and turned by hype that such an obviously pathetic marketing campaign would work.
But hey, it wins, doesn't it?
August 14, 2005 (NHS) -- It's Sunday morning, August 14th, 9:00 a.m. Pacific time, and there's not one mention of Alex Smith on the NFL.com front page. And, sure, after an offseason of unbearable hype, we could give a round of applause because the morons that edit the NFL's official website finally got it right -- after all, who wants to read about the NFL's reigning worst team in the league?
But we all know that's not what's happening. The truth is that Smith tanked his professional debut the previous night so the pro-Niner media is keeping it quiet. After all, you can bet your ass that had Smith performed to the level of even bare mediocrity, NFL.com would have splashed a glossy banner photo for all good little Whiner fans to click over their morning lattes. Instead, now the Bandwagon will now have to actually hunt down the link to the recap story about the 49ers-Raiders preseason game (if they can remember sometime after getting their latest Middle East update from Sean Penn, of course).
Since we doubt their level of football devotion, we at the NHS will conveniently recap Smith's night here. We'll start by describing last night's venue: the embarrassing, decrepit 3MonsterStick stadium. It was cold and wet, and the stench of old fish and seagull droppings permeated the air. We'll conclude by saying Smith blended in with that just fine.
He connected on just three passes out of nine attempts for a measly 25 yards despite playing the entire first half. The 49ers went three-and-out in his first three drives. Hell, he couldn't even manage a first down until his fifth and final series before the half ended. In short, Smith looked every bit a clueless rookie not ready to play in the NFL. He looks to be a bad fit with the 49ers' dink passing scheme, and a guy that certainly did not merit the number one selection overall in the draft.
Making things worse was that last year's proven loser from the Erickson era, Tim Rattay, entered the game in the second half in place of Smith and the 49ers quickly scored 21 points, including two TD passes by Rattay. The Bandwagon media, of course, will now try to ignite a QB controversy, probably even replete with laughable "Joe v. Steve" comparisons. But it's going to be clear to even the most duped of the Bandwagon that choosing between these quarterbacks is more like a choice between what to salvage out of a dumpster -- no matter what, it's still garbage.
The 49ers won the game, and naturally the media jumped on this lone bright spot. "The victory meant something to Nolan and the 49ers, who went winless in the last preseason before finishing 2-14," wrote the long-lost NFL.com recap.
Well, before we hand the Lombardi trophy to Nolan, like the media has wanted to all offseason, let's point out the truth. Preseason scores mean nothing; what matters is individual preparation for the season. After all, if the Raiders really wanted to win they could have simply thrown a couple alley-oops to Randy Moss who could score at will against the awful 49ers' secondary. But while the 49ers had something to prove the Raiders just tried to avoid injuries, barely glancing in Moss' direction. Even so, if we look at when most of the starters were in the game -- and we use the term loosely when it comes to Smith -- Oakland led 6-0 at halftime and dominated to the tune of 203 total yards to 39.
Also, what's most important is judging a coach on his decisions, not meaningless outcomes, and all of Nolan's major decisions thus far have been ... what's a kind word ... moronic?
First was his stupid motivational stunt involving the "SF" helmet decals. In case you didn't hear, Nolan purposefully had them team practice all through training camp with naked helmets. Why? He said he wanted the players to "earn their stripes". So just in time for their first game, the "SF" decals appeared on the helmets, and a big Bandwagon cheer went up (somewhere, maybe -- or maybe not).
Now you might find this "earn your stripes" message familiar. Yes, it's what television mascot Tony The Tiger says to kids to motivate them to be their best and eat sugar cereal.
We wonder: just how many 49ers understood that Nolan was motivating them with pop psychology from a Wall Street cartoon animal message intended for children?
Dunno. We only know that none of the Bandwagon media that praised Nolan for this got it, since it's prepubescent level obviously was way over their heads.
As if that's not enough of a joke, Nolan didn't even implement the stunt correctly. From day one of training camp, Nolan admitted that no matter how the team performed in practice he was going to replace the decals before the first game, so there was no threat ever involved and no value whatsoever to this stunt. It was as empty as all the other 49er hype -- and a perfect symbol of Nolan's hype over substance.
Next is Nolan's decision to name Smith as the preseason starter, a decision that has completely blown up in the Bandwagon's face. Despite all the crap the media and Nolan himself were shoveling about how Smith "earned this start" by performing well in camp, the truth prevailed. Being good against the flotsam and jetsam the 49ers line up on the practice field doesn't mean squat. Smith was not ready to start an NFL game. He's obviously still uncomfortable with trying to dink-down his game to the Wuss Coast offense system (and what happened to all that talk about the system being oh-so genius that it takes three years to learn?).
Now look at the position into which Nolan has put Smith and the 49ers. If it's obvious to everyone in the stadium the awful Rattay is the better quarterback right now it's certainly obvious to Smith, which will do nothing for his psyche. If Nolan had waited for Rattay to fail then anointed Smith the starter, then it would have been a no-lose situation with the bonus possibility of Smith coming in to save the day.
So why did Nolan start Smith when he so obviously was not prepared? Well, two possibilities: (1) Nolan misjudged Smith's state of readiness; or (2) the team's ownership that just spent $24 million of guaranteed money on Smith -- and has been running an offseason marketing campaign partly based on "being there for his first game" -- forced the issue. The former leads to the conclusion that Nolan is a poor judge of talent and a poor coach. The latter leads to the conclusion that Nolan is a spineless puppet of management. In either case, he deserves criticism. Naturally, he gets none from the Bandwagon media.
Finally, the most important bad decision Nolan was involved in, one that will haunt the 49ers for years -- was the choice itself to select Smith instead of the Bay Area guy who was the perfect pick for this team -- Aaron Rodgers. Hopefully, Rodgers was watching somewhere enjoying a mirthful chuckle at the way things went exactly as expected.
So after a typical Whiner offseason of Bandwagon hype, game time finally came and we got to enjoy the truth exposed once again. Smith isn't the phenom we were led to believe. The ghosts of great coaches past can rest in peace as Nolan is more Newt Gingrich than Knute Rockne. And the great news is the regular season is just around the corner, so the 49ers are going to be seeing a whole lot more truth very, very soon.
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created: August 23, 2005
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