2003 Q3 Report

Comments on games 9-12:

49ers 30, Rams 10

FACADE CLINGS TO LIFE AS CHEESE FACTOR NOT EVEN NOTICED

So when 12 seconds into it, an important game for the 49ers was being dictated by an inexplicable referee reversal to give the 49ers a touchdown on the opening kickoff, followed minutes later with a penalty negating a would-be 49ers turnover on a kick return, followed by several more of the classic "referee huddles" throughout the afternoon, Niner-haters nodded and understood. Even if the Rams injury-depleted split squad decided to compete today (which they didn't), the script already had cast them as losers.

The opening minutes were the 49er Problem in a nutshell. As the 49ers broke open the opening kick return, the "flag" message clearly appeared during the run-back. No big whoop, all seasoned NFL fans are well accustomed to having penalties negate good returns. The ref signaled the illegal block against the 49ers, and the game was set to start with the 49ers mired deep in their own territory.

But wait! Someone, somewhere instead decided that it wasn't a penalty after all! Who exactly this anonymous benefactor was will always remain a mystery, but in a stunning turn that could only happen for the 49ers that those same seasoned NFL fans couldn't believe, the penalty was magically reversed. The same ref that just seconds before motioned the illegal block penalty now muttered something into the mic like, "Um, I was just practicing my miming before. There's actually no penalty. When we threw the flag, we didn't think the 49ers would score, but since they did, there's no penalty."

That made it 7-0, then after the Rams scored on their first possession to make it 7-3, the 49ers coughed up the ball on the ensuing kick near their own 10-yard line. Unlike before, there was no "flag" message displayed on the screen, no flag could be seen thrown, and even though the announcers were in the middle of talking of a huge turnover for the Rams, once again, seasoned fans knew what was coming. Sure enough, that same ref was now muttering something about an "offsides on the Rams because they got the ball, which would be unfair to the 49ers."

More huddles and inexplicable calls followed, but don't take our word for it, here's what the St. Louis Post-Dispatch had to say: "That belated roughing-the-passing penalty on Tyoka Jackson to prolong a 49ers drive? That wasn't just a horrible call, [it was] one that calls the integrity of the officiating crew into question."

So instead of the game starting potentially 10-0 Rams, the ball went back to the 49ers, and the Rams deflated faster than the Hindenberg. Suddenly, the Rams couldn't pick up a blitz to save their lives. After allowing just 10 sacks in their last six games, they allowed half that total to the 49ers. Magically, the Rams +9 turnover differential over their last four games turned into a -1 against the 49ers as the ghost of Tony Banks took over Marc Bulger. Somehow, the better team was instead "flatter than the deck of an aircraft carrier," according to the Santa Rosa Post-Dispatch. And it was all for the 49ers benefit, as if nothing had changed in the past 20 years, or at least since the Tampa game.

That includes the 49ers QB, too. Once again, the great performance of Tim Rattay helps prove the legendary careers of Joe Montana and Steve Young as more farce than substance. After all, considering that Jeff Garcia has better stats than either of them, and now Tim Rattay is better than Garcia, perhaps it's time to realize that just about anyone can run the 2-yard dink offense? Further, Rattay did what the rest rarely accomplished -- threw a perfect strike on 27-yard TD pass. Sure, it was against a rookie corner and injury-depleted minor league defense, but the pass itself deserves its due. Fact is, Rattay is a much better fit for Dennis Erickson's offense than the weenie-armed Garcia.

For Niner-haters, it was just a usual day at the office. Niner fans, of course, seem to possess no sort of retention ability for the past and applauded it as a brand new "best ever" win. The difference, of course, is that most 49er fans aren't fans of the game, they just find it cool to root for the 49ers when they win. Niner-haters watch many other NFL games and understand how such bizarre circumstances are rare -- except when it comes to an important 49ers game. Then a team has to not only beat the 49ers, but also all the crazy stunts that are pulled. Good teams play their worst, turnovers happen, calls go the opposite of what they should, and the ignorant Bandwagon just sits there accepting it as all perfectly normal. Only Niner-haters seem to get it. Even the media is still shocked. Much like how the Kansas City press was flabbergasted by the Cheese Factor last year, today St. Louis columnists were venting, "I've covered NFL games for more than 20 years and this job would easily rank on my list of the 10 worst officiated games I've seen."

"The crew allowed 49ers defensive backs to clutch Rams receivers illegally downfield all game. One official told Rams coach Mike Martz that he saw a 49er holding Torry Holt downfield on one pass route, but that the holding wasn't too serious. HUH? Holding is holding. They don't have various levels of infractions."

Shh, don't tell that to Julian Peterson, or else he'd never get his precious Pro Bowl votes.

The 49ers themselves, of course, would have no part of the reality and strutted around their locker room afterwards convincing themselves and reporters they are actually the better team. "It's not a fluke when we beat the Rams like this," insisted outspoken newcomer Chidi Ahanotu. Hmm, one would think if that were true, it could go unsaid. Sounds more like he was trying to convince somebody -- perhaps himself?

Another amusing aspect is just how obsessed the 49ers have been with the fact that the Rams have been the better team since the new millennium. According to the overrated Peterson, Jim Mora, Jr. "pretty much told us that this team is built to beat the Rams." So call him Ishmael, just don't remind him that although they overcame their white whale today, they are 3-4 against other teams and still remain solidly in 3rd place in the NFC West.

Yet the 49ers remain on life support in the playoffs picture and got by in their second must-win game of the year. The 49er Problem is extended. Their second half of the season begins with a feel-good, truth-hiding victory much like how the first half of the season started with a blowout of the Bears. But like the first half and like after the Tampa game, things might start turning sour overnight. How long before grumbling about the overrated Jeff Garcia turns into a full-blown QB controversy? How long before Owens acts up again and the team implodes?

We don't know, but we can wait.

49ers 30, Steelers 14

ONE BIG HAPPY FARCE

But y'know, at this point after seeing it so many times, Niner-haters can barely stifle a yawn. Because like everything the 49ers have done over the years, the more the gullible sucked it up, the more the rest of us shook our heads at the transparency of the whole shtick. Monday's bit was a microcosm as to why the Whiner fans, especially those that continue their crusade in the media today, have never been satisfied: because there was never any substance behind the 49ers so-called glory days. Sure they got their wins, but they were empty wins by empty men -- and that emptiness pervaded all the glitz and hype of the night.

You look at Lott acting all classy and you see a ghost of a past paternity lawsuit. You see Montana and in his shadow there's Steve Young, stabbing him in the back. You hear all the love for DeBartolo, but all you can remember is him kicking all these same guys out the door before running off to gamble with some cocktail waitresses. You see all the fans cheering, but you realize that they aren't cheering for the game, they are cheering a fake image (see: actress Jennifer Garner giggling in the ABC booth, "I don't know anything, but I love Terrell Owens because he's cute!").

By the way, there was also supposed to be a game to be played, but just like the Broncos a few years back in Montana's number retirement circus, the Steelers played their part in the script by completely rolling over. Pittsburgh came out beyond flat -- Madden even calling it "uninspired" -- then gave the game away in a series of blunders, big plays, special teams turnovers and even the classic 49er ball-bounces-off-the-chest INT. "We probably dropped more balls in this game than we had all season," pondered Steelers coach Bill Cowher. Gee, what a shocker.

It was, of course, a perfect fit for the entire night, a reminder that padding stats and lucky breaks against 3-7 teams is the way the 49ers built their success. But it also served as a reminder of all the disconnects within the organization. For all the fictional closeness Lott was trying to manufacture with his gang of the past, all it really proved was a divisive split -- that's the past, and Dr. York's 49ers are now the present. Sure the 49ers beat up on a bad team at home, but they are hardly a team coming together, because they did it with Tim Rattay. Rattay is not only proving that any monkey can succeed in the 2-yard dink offense, but also proving himself better than the overrated Jeff Garcia, who of course is furious because in his mind he's proven himself better than Young and Montana with all his stats and little Pro Bowls. So there's a full-blown QB controversy the 49ers still have to deal with. Funny how Lisa Guerrero didn't ask about that in her hard-hitting interview with Joe Montana's son.

The 49ers are 5-5, two games behind both the Rams and Seahawks, and heading off into an unprecedented slate of cold weather road games. All signs point to an 8-8 finish at best and a dismantling of the team under bitter circumstances.

We hope the Bandwagon enjoyed the party, because the hangover is about to begin.

Packers 20, 49ers 10

ANOTHER WIN FOR THE NHS

Guess we finally know what happens when the 49ers lose the gift of turnovers? Oh, wait, we already knew. Back when the 49ers played the Vikings -- yet another 49er opponent with a backup QB at the helm -- the 49ers were minus-3 in turnover differential, and thus fully displayed their lack of mettle in the face of adversity in a 35-7 laugher.

That, of course, was quickly dismissed as an "aberration" by the Bandwagon, and they were halfway right -- it was an aberration in that it was the only other game all season when the 49ers actually lost in the luck of the turnover battle ...

... and they are still a losing team!

The Bandwagon boggles at the concept, but it's true -- other teams do actually win sometimes despite turning the ball over more than their opponents. The 49ers, when losing a turnover, completely implode and just use it as an excuse to lose, because they can't handle the adversity.

But instead of all NFL fans hearing this truth, the 49ers +12 turnover differential going into this game has been the crutch used by the Bandwagon media to overrate the 49ers -- claiming the poor Whiners are just the victims of bad luck and losing close games -- blatantly hiding the amazing truth of the 2003 Niners that screams out to anyone with half a brain:

The only reason the 49ers have seemed even competitive at all this year is due to the amazing good luck of turnovers masking the stench of their overall lack of talent.

Four turnovers by Jeff Garcia emphatically removed that deodorant in Baltimore, and the result was as it should be when talent decides a 49ers game for a change -- a complete 44-6 butt-whipping -- the most lopsided victory in Ravens history, the 49ers' worst loss since Steve Young was ground into the dirt at Jacksonville in 1999, and for many the most satisfying 49er loss since the glorious 49-3 drubbing by the Giants in the 1986 playoffs.

It's hard to pick the most pleasurable place to start when such truth finally dawns on the Bandwagon and their facade is ripped to shreds. Perhaps we should start with the game itself, which revealed more about the 49ers' character than the talent of Baltimore. Once again, the Niners showed that when any luck goes against them, they fold. And the luck certainly went against them today -- four deflected passes turned into key interceptions for the Ravens, including a TD return by Ray Lewis to put the game out of reach before the first half was even over. It was as if 20 years of karma reached out and slapped the 49ers. (Of course, one game does little in the cosmic scheme to make up for the hundreds of opposite games, but no doubt it will "prove" to the idiotic Bandwagon that all things thus even out.)

The game was basically over when Jeff Garcia fluttered a high and wide pass towards Terrell Owens who, with his usual selfless gusto, barely waved a hand in its direction. Sure, it was lucky the ball landed in the arms of the Ravens, but fact is it never would have happened had Garcia made a decent pass or had Owens made even a half-assed effort.

The play was telling for several reasons, including the obvious, that Owens is a punk who knows nothing of the meaning of team. If the pass isn't perfect, he won't move, because after all, that's not his fault. Hopefully any team looking to sign Owens when he enters free agency will remember that when making out their check.

As for Garcia, he lip-synched taking the blame after the game for the interceptions, but mostly whined about the bad luck of deflections being the major scapegoat and remarked, "[W]hen we have a chance to get our hands on the ball, we're all pros, we need to ... step up and make some plays."

Sure, Garcia is a jerk for saying that and a weasel for trying to deflect blame off of himself -- fact is, despite the luck involved, every INT was the result of a high, behind or bad pass. But Garcia is correct. It looked very much like the 49ers receivers quit on the three deflections that led to interceptions (the fourth INT was wholly Garcia's fault as he clanged it off his own lineman's helmet). More specifically, the WRs quit on Garcia individually, because when Tim Rattay entered the game the receivers seemed rejuvenated. And reading between the lines, that's what Garcia's post-game comments were really all about. True to Owens' tirade weeks ago when he all but said Garcia sucks, the whole team seems to be lining up behind Rattay and wants Garcia gone.

Strange, what about all the feel-good Bandwagon fluff stories about the so-called "heart-to-heart" meeting between Owens and Garcia before the Lions game farce? Guess there's still a rift there despite the media's best efforts to cover it up? You wouldn't know it from hearing coach Dennis Erickson as he bumbles along oblivious to it, continuing his blind loyalty to Garcia.

Another nice thing to see in the game was Lewis personally ripping apart the 49ers. Given the history of marquee players laying down for the 49ers' benefit, we finally got one that actually lived up to his billing in a 49er game for a change. All too often we've seen the best players in the game lack energy and inexplicably play their worst (in their own self-assessments after the game) for the 49ers' benefit -- you know, part of that so-called "49ers mystique"? So when Lewis actually played like he should and completely dominated the pitiful Whiners, especially the overrated Fred Beasely, it was glorious.

A sad thing to see was the referee that suffered a bizarre concussion in an accidental collision during a Ravens TD celebration. The game had to go on with one less ref, which meant much less of a chance for the 49ers to win, of course.

Finally, let's turn our attention to currently one of the most overrated parts of the 49ers -- their mediocre-in-truth yet "best ever"-ranked defense. As we've pointed out previously, the entire reason the 49ers defense ranks high statistically is the turnovers and due to playing a lot of poorly-ranked opponents (i.e., it's not too hard to be successful stopping the run when your average opponent ranks 20th in rushing).

In Baltimore, this "best ever" squad gave up 44 points, and yet instead of accepting the truth, the Bandwagon continued to overrate the defense. The SF Chronicle called it the "bright spot" of the day, once again blindly pointing to the statistics. And Mr. Overrated himself, Julian Peterson, shoveled his delusional take that the defense played "great".

It's hard to even address such idiocy, but here's a hint to the Chronicle: the Ravens didn't put up a lot of yards on the stat sheet because they kept getting handed turnovers deep within 49ers' territory, not due to any excellence on the part of the 49ers' defense. When you only have 30 yards to score, all you can get is 30 total yards in that drive. But basically, who cares about total yards? The key was how the 49ers defense reacted after every turnover. They rolled over and let Baltimore walk into the endzone as if thinking since it was a turnover, it wasn't their fault, so they didn't have to try.

A touchdown after a turnover isn't an inevitability -- after all, just last week Green Bay suffered the bad luck of giving up two turnovers to the 49ers within their own 25-yard line and were -2 in turnover differential. Yet instead of rolling over, they stuffed the Whiners, kept them out of the endzone, and won the game. So note to Peterson: that's what "great" defense is, not gutlessly rolling over then claiming afterwards you played "great" because you had the excuse of turnovers masking your stats.

49er-Smooching 101

And speaking of excuses, this leads us to the amazing display of pro-49er ass-kissing by the FOX television crew with announcers Sam Rosen and Bill Maas, notorious 49er-smoochers. In most games, the announcers show little bias and tend to jump on the side of whatever team is winning. All such conventions go out when the 49ers are involved, of course. When the going got tough for the 49ers, Rosen and Maas got going, cranking any scenario into a positive for the 49ers and reaching deep for any excuse to defend their beloved merlot-and-cheddar. This tutorial of 49er Smooching 101 merits an in-depth review, so let's tick the elements off in chronological order:

1. The O-line excuse. It started right off the bat when the 49ers starting lineup graphic featured Eric Heitmann. What, you mean you've never heard of Heitmann? In case you've missed it, Heitmann -- a former 7th-round pick that would not even have a roster spot with any other team -- has been the excuse for everything that's gone wrong with the 49ers offense this year. But today, he was back from injury, so it was time to highlight the savior's return and remind us of the excuse as to why the 49ers were a losing team.

Then, coming back from the break after Baltimore scored the first quick TD in under five minutes, FOX once again highlighted Heitmann and the 49er offensive line, sobbing about all their injuries as if (a) no other team has ever had similar injuries and (b) completely hiding the fact that every person injured on that offensive line is a bad to mediocre-at-best player, so that if the 49ers had any talent whatsoever ever they could easily fill their injury spots, like all other NFL teams do.

Instead, in the next moment, the overrated Kevan Barlow broke off a decent run and Rosen reached orgasm. In the slow-motion replay, Maas started crowing about the great O-line, hoping to further the theory that since they were now healthy they were going to dominate. Funny thing, though, was the replay clearly showed the only reason for the gain was a blatant hold on tackle Scott Gragg, which Maas clearly saw, resulting in his stuttering lie that "Gragg doesn't use his hands, he uses his body to wall him off". Yeah, that's the ticket!

Thankfully for him, Maas' inane theory was saved when Derrick Deese went down with injury, so instead of having to admit the 49ers' offensive line is a pathetic excuse for an NFL unit even when 100% healthy, they had their scapegoat. "Oh man!" wailed Rosen, as if seeing Deese on the ground was equivalent to watching the Hindenberg go down in flames. "That's the last thing they needed," cried Maas.

2. Travel on Thanksgiving. Next, Maas elucidated that the 49ers probably wouldn't win because they were cheated in that they had to travel during the Thanksgiving week. 'Nuf said.

3. Penalty excuse. The theme about how the 49ers have been victimized so much this season continued with Maas lamenting about "all the penalties" called against the 49ers, especially on the road, as if to say a grand referree conspiracy was against the 49ers (ha!). Later a graphic was shown to enforce the point -- the problem was that the graphic showed the 49ers are 2nd in the NFL in false-start penalties -- a penalty that has nothing whatsoever to do with the refs in that it's a no-brainer call with no wiggle room! Fact is that the 49ers are in the bottom of the NFL in terms of total penalty yardage against them despite having so many false start penalties, showing just how few referree "judgment call" penalties -- holding, pass interference, etc. -- have actually gone against the 49ers this season. Funny, Maas didn't mention that.

4. Close games excuse. Next the gang moved into whining about how the poor 49ers have been oh-so-close to winning several games this season. No epithets about horseshoes or hand-grenades here. Instead, it's now an official fact that the only reason the 49ers lost in St. Louis was because Cedric Wilson didn't take a knee and call timeout. Don't bother asking why it's a given that Jeff Chandler would have made the assumed game-winning kick -- after all, he was the 49ers' kicker cut in favor of the notorious Owen Pochman, who in turn is named as the scapegoat solely responsible for several other 49er losses -- just go with it and give the 49ers an extra win.

With such "facts" at their ready, Rosen wished, "If they would have just won half of those close games!" But really, they continued to rationalize not just half, but that the 49ers, if not for being wrongly victimized by luck and scapegoats and kickers, should be 11-0.

Minutes later the FOX crew threw up a graphic showing that the 49ers are only 5-7 despite having a +12 turnover differential, yet Rosen and Maas failed to incorporate this into their "close game" analysis, even though everyone else with functioning grey matter deduced that as the only true reason there have been so many close games for the 49ers. If not for lucky turnovers, they'd be getting blown out -- as they were today.

5. Ignoring the double-standard. Following the cheesy interception where Ravens TE Todd Heap fell down allowing the overrated Tony Parrish a free catch, the 49ers wanted to challenge the spot at the one-yard line. A two minute discussion ensued, yet the 49ers were neither charged a timeout nor did it cost them a challenge. Rosen and Maas blissfully ignored this free 49ers challenge as if it's perfectly fine for an entire game to grind to a halt so we can all make sure the 49ers are getting more than their fair due (which is, of course, their birthright).

6. All negatives spun into gold. After a Garcia incompletion on 3rd down, Maas laughably praised Garcia and ignored the defensive stop. Maas even cheered the 49ers punter on the next play. Later, when Baltimore's Jamal Lewis steamrolled over the pathetic Whiner defense for yet another first down on a 3rd-and-1, Maas praised Ahmed Plummer for making the tackle (three yards beyond the first down marker)! Rosen and Maas didn't seem aware that the Ravens were playing until the score was 44-6, then they acknowledged some positives from Baltimore's perspective.

7. More sickening 49ers. Coming back from a commercial, the FOX cameras focused on Julian Peterson for seemingly no reason whatsoever. Then the reason became clear: Maas had to mention yet another excuse -- Peterson had the flu earlier in the week -- which ergo explained his lack of camera time in any actual plays worth mentioning.

8. More hiding the truth of the 49ers. Maas expressed surprise that the Ravens were passing so much considering how awful the 49ers' played the run last week against the Packers, which is very telling about Maas' knowledge of the 49ers. Baltimore was passing because the SF secondary is one of the worst in the NFL and they have no pass rush. All you have to do is pick up the blitz and you get free TDs.

9. More injury excuses. In addition to focusing on worthless injuries to the offensive line, Rosen and Maas dredged up the name Eric Johnson, the 49ers mediocre tight end who missed this season due to injury, as if that absence had any relevance whatsoever 14 weeks into the season. Then they tried the injury to Jamie Winborn as an excuse -- Maas said, "They miss him right now." Funny, we don't remember Maas saying Baltimore missed any of their injured players, or saying anything about them having to go with their third-string quarterback due to injuries. No, all we got was the listing of Garcia's injuries this year and of course terming everything wrong with him due to him being "rusty".

10. Supporting the punk. After Owens went into a tizzy fit that he didn't get a flag for defensive holding, Rosen almost cried after yelling out "Oh, he did [hold]!" during the replay. After the ensuing punt, the Ravens fumbled the snap to give the 49ers a turnover deep in their territory, and a smug Maas remarked, "Sometimes things have a way of working themselves out," as if the gall of the refs to not protect The Almighty Owens with a flag meant the 49ers were entitled to a turnover in order for it to be fair. But all the impotent 49ers managed was a field goal, their last points of the game, so yeah, Mr. Maas, things do have a way of working themselves out.

11. Root on the Bandwagon. Rosen got overly excited and yelled out the Vikings tied up the Rams at 17-17, as if rooting against the Rams alongside his 49er Bandwagon audience. But that game worked itself out, too. Sorry Sam.

12. Wishful thinking. When Marcus Robinson pulled in a 38-yard touchdown to start the rout at 17-6, Maas was shouting "Flag down!" before the play was even over. Too bad, it was on the 49ers defense, and Maas' wishful thinking for the touchdown to be called back -- or his expectation, considering how many have gone the 49ers' way in the past -- was for naught.

13. Hype the image. Maas even threw in a comment about the idiotic 49ers "script of plays" to start a game. No, Maas didn't mention it to show how the lame 49er coaching staff hadn't come up with a touchdown despite this "magical script", but only as irrelevant, useless hype. Maas mentioned that it is 19 plays long "in a tribute to Unitas." Of course, we all know that the 19 has nothing to do with honoring Unitas -- it was just a disgusting P.R. ploy the Niners came up with to capitalize on Unitas' death. Maas didn't mention that side of it.

14. Road warriors. At this point Maas' tank was running towards empty, so he simply declared "The road is tough enough," as if the poor adversity-struck 49ers couldn't possibly be expected to win on the road, and certainly not under such amazing duress never before seen in the NFL.

15. More support of the punk. Trying to work Owens into the game as much as possible (his three receptions on the day made it tough), Maas gave the company line in regard to offensive coordinator Greg Knapp's reaction to the embarrassing spectacle of Owens yelling at him on the sidelines a few weeks back. Maas regurgitated Knapp's weak rationalization that "other players have yelled at him, too". Is it really just that hard for any member of the media to simply voice the real opinion every sane person shares on this, that Knapp is a coward for taking that crap from a wussy little punk like Owens, and Owens deserved to be suspended for it?

Coming out of the tunnel after halftime, Ravens coach Brian Billick was interviewed and it was mentioned, "You've been able to stop Owens" -- as if we were all supposed to exclaim "Oooh!" or "Wow!" or "That's impossible!" Fact is, most of the NFL has figured out Owens' little 2-yard dink, run-after-the-catch game this year, and he's always been inconsequential to any meaningful game.

16. The standard of excellence. When Baltimore DL Adalius Thomas stuffed one run, Maas still insisted on calling it from the 49ers' perspective, claiming "And that's Garrison Hearst!", as if only the Chosen Few in the NFL could possibly tackle the Great Hearst, so Thomas was thus having a great game.

17. The Soliloquy. Finally, with 2:15 left in the third quarter, Maas stood on a soapbox and orated to all the excuse-hungry Bandwagon fans just about to switch off their TVs:

"Think about all the things the 49ers have been through on both sides of the ball, but defensively they've gone through a lot of changes as well. They've had injuries, they have injuries today, but look at the numbers ... [a graphic was shown showing the 49ers' rankings in points allowed, sacks, takeaways, and red zone percentage.] ... Look where they rank. Heck, it's the only defense in the top 5 in all those categories!"

At this point, the FOX director was probably confused whether to pipe in violins or the Star Spangled Banner. The rest of us were sitting wondering why such obtuse stats were being perverted into trying to "prove" the 49ers defense is among "best ever" proportions. We were also wondering where exactly the only actual good defense on the field ranked -- you know, the Ravens? Remember them? The team that was actually WINNING, 44-6? Can you imagine the smooching had the 49ers actually won this game? Actually, win or lose, the smooching is pretty much the same. This broadcast proves it.

18. Spin some props. Rosen followed up Maas' soliloquy by solemnly stating, "Jim Mora, the defensive coordinator" as who we should all bow down in a moment of silence to honor Mora for assembling such a wondrous feast for our eyes. Funny, some defensive coaches worry about being fired after giving up 44 points, but Mora embarked on the talk show circuit during the week after the game, humbly listening to all the praise heaped on him by the "experts" at KNBR about how none of it was his fault.

Maas continued to find time to give other 49ers props, too, mentioning Plummer was "coming into his own." Yeah, if "his own" means "a little bit better than the awful guy starting on the other side", we agree.

19. The Soliloquy II. When Garcia clanged the INT off his lineman's head, Maas busted out the soapbox again. First, he implied the interception wasn't Garcia's fault because "he didn't mean to throw it." Then it was time to give a speech excusing everything wrong with the offense this time: "The 49ers offense has given so many opportunities ... they've just given to Baltimore."

Funny, the 49ers defense has "takeaways", but the Ravens just have "givens". Who says there's a 49er double-standard? And when Garcia was yanked in favor of Rattay, Maas just summed it up as a "tough day" for someone "rusty from three weeks off."

20. All bad luck. By now Rosen must have felt left out with all of Maas' smooching because he delivered the final blow, actually declaring "an unbelievable run of bad luck and bad plays" as the entire cause the 49ers are a worthless 0-6 on the road. At least the rest of the planet realizes that it's because the 49ers are a gutless, heartless pretender.

It seems incredible that all this smooching could happen in just one game -- and a game where the 49ers were blown out, 44-6! -- but it's true. Pop the tape in your VCR. Just be sure you do it on an empty stomach. That's because even worse than this smooching was the overall spirit of Rosen and Maas, and the broadcast in general, in being unadulterated, biased 49er apologists, rooting for them throughout.

This spirit was evident when Maas growled "This isn't the BCS" when Billick, facing a 4th-and-9 from the 23, decided on a field goal to put the Ravens up 37-6 -- as if such a kick with 11:41 remaining was running up the score. Clearly, Maas was simply personally hurt by more points being tacked on against the lovable Niners. Imagine what he would have said if Baltimore went for it and scored a touchdown (which they would have).

Finally, there was a holding called against the 49ers with 11:32 left that broke Maas' back. He went off on a sobbing tantrum against referree Jerry Austin for the audacity of not throwing out the rule book when the 49ers were down: "Oh come on, Jerry! I mean, what the heck? Everybody in the stadium is beating up on the 49ers, you don't have to jump on the pile!"

Could you ever imagine such a statement being made to defend the Cowboys? The Raiders?

No, only the 49ers have such amazing displays of announcers rooting and smooching, and this was just par for the course of what Niner-haters have had to endure over the years -- and a far cry from how many items would be listed back in their so-called "glory days" of the '80s.

Just to be fair, we should point out the only good from the booth, which was when they noted just how pathetic Owens was right before halftime, when instead of turning up field for a first down, he ran out of bounds like a little girl so as to avoid a hit from Ray Lewis. Maas even accurately noted at the very end that the 49ers are a team without leaders, whereas the Ravens have guys like Lewis. Of course, Rosen threw in that Erickson coached Lewis in college at Miami, so even this rare moment of lucidity was ruined by a ridiculous stretch to give the 49ers any credit whatsoever.

The Bandwagon Reaction

As with every loss, watching the fallout of the Bandwagon is just as fun as watching the game itself. The media's reaction ranged from shock to confusion to anger, from denial to excuses to throwing in the towel, and all of it was enveloped by a morose cloud of bitterness.

There's way to much to ridicule about the reaction from the clueless Bandwagon now lost, but for example, one could only laugh out loud that the Chronicle is still bewildered here in week 14 that "Erickson's deep threat offense still hasn't materialized." Gee, considering Garcia can't even throw a pass above his own linemen's helmets without it ricocheting for an INT, big surprise he can't complete a pass more than 2 yards.

There was even whining about the Ravens running up the score. When the Ravens completed a 33-yard pass with four minutes left, Mora yelled across the field at Baltimore's coaches. "He's done that to me before," whined Mora about Billick.

Of course, this is the same Billick who, when he won the Super Bowl, was mentioned as being one of Bill Walsh's proteges. Funny, no mention of that now, but perhaps someone should ask, maybe Billick's lack of class is just part of "Finding the Winning Edge" (the name of the book he co-authored with Walsh)?

To sum things up, if the 49ers were going to save their season, everything was set up perfectly according to the 49er Script. The Ravens were primed for an emotional letdown following their crazy OT win over Seattle and big division showdown with Cinci next week. The weather even cooperated once again in this unique year of potentially snow-laded, late-season road games for the 49ers. Even Mr. Pro Bowler Garcia was back to right the Bandwagon. Instead, the performance epitomized his career in meaningful situations -- and the 49ers franchise.

A word of caution to this tale, however. The 49ers return home next week to face an even worse team, the Cardinals, and there's already talk of how it will be a game for the 49ers to "vent their frustrations", so expect all that's wrong to be cured and the Bandwagon to linger on yet another week. But the truth is it will be a no-win scenario game for the 49ers. There's no upside to blowing out a pathetic team, but there's a huge possible downside with the possible embarrassment if Arizona plays them even somewhat competitive. But, hey, we're getting used to the 49ers embarrassing themselves.