49ers 28, Saints 21

49ers cheese another win,
but Bandwagon is only half-full

September 22, 1999 (NHS) -- Change is everywhere. Detroit and St. Louis are undefeated in first place. Barry Sanders and John Elway are out of football. It is the close of the millennium, a perfect time for change. Unfortunately, instead of worrying about truly weighty issues like the Y2K bug, the NHS has to direct its attention to the 49er Problem, because it seems one thing is refusing to change: the 49er cheese factor.

You know what we're talking about. Carolina. Carolina again. Indianapolis. Cincinnati. Now New Orleans. All mediocre teams that kicked the crap out of the 49ers only to eventually lose thanks to self-destruction and referee intervention. These games are a different breed from the classic 49er-ripoff like the Jerry Rice nonfumble in the playoffs, but carry with them just as filthy of an aftertaste. These wins are cheesy; cowardly, if you will, because they were victories not earned, but handed to the 49ers no thanks to themselves. Even worse is that such trash is used for the fabrication of "heroes".

And, boy, this one may have been the cheesiest of them all. The 49ers' game-tying drive was extended and advanced not once, not twice, not thrice, but four times by intervention by the referees. First was a defensive holding call on 3rd down. No replay was shown, so we can't comment on its validity. Next was a roughing-the-passer call on 4th down. Ticky-tack, yes, but it was helmet-to-helmet, which always merits a call in today's NFL, so chalk it up to poor execution by the Saints. The third intervention was yet again on fourth down, an instant replay decision giving Jerry Rice a completion. One angle showed it a catch, another suggested the nose of the ball diving into the turf; on balance, it was the correct call.

Finally, the icing on the cake -- a completely fabricated pass interference call giving the 49ers first-and-goal on the one. Even despite the lousy replay from bird's eye view, it was clear that the Saints DB did nothing other than stand there and have the receiver run into him. More importantly, the ball was clearly uncatchable.

Perhaps we should be happy that only one of the calls was clearly bogus. Obviously the 49ers deserve more invented calls to go their way, because, after all, they are the 49ers. That notwithstanding, before 49er fans jump in and quibble about the correctness of these calls, we want to hit the main point: sometimes other teams don't have a play called correctly for their benefit, even with Instant Replay (see: Tampa Bay in week one). It's only the 49ers that consistently get correct calls, as well as incorrect calls, in their favor. For any other team, one, two, three or all of these calls would never have happened, the drive would have been killed and that team would have lost as the 49ers should have Sunday.

Bandwagon at half-steam

Despite the taint to the win, we fully expected the 49er Bandwagon to fill up again. Instead, the media reaction was mixed -- although still horrendous in some places. First, the ugly: the 49ers are now ranked 5th in the Sagarin ratings. Okay, calm down -- remember, the Sagarin ratings are scientific and can't be debated by mortal men, so any of your silly protests are useless.

Now, the bad: The San Francisco Chronicle went hog wild on Monday, tooting the horn of the Bandwagon beyond belief. Any mention of the intervening penalties was swept under more blazing descriptors such as "thriller", "gritty", "miracle" and "redemption". According to the Chron, the 49ers earned respect.

Wait a minute. How the hell did the 49ers earn anything? Not only considering the horrible fashion in which they were handed the win, but we're also talking about the Saints here, for crying out loud.

Oh, the Chronicle did mention the quality of their mighty opponent: "The Saints clearly aren't the pushovers of past years, and [Billy Joe] Hobert clearly is as good as any NFL quarterback when he has time to see the field and seams to throw to."

Yes, step aside Favre, Aikman and Marino -- "clearly" -- ahem -- "clearly", Hobert is as good as those chumps or any other NFL quarterback. Once you've stopped laughing, you'll understand how serious the 49er Problem is when this is the type of feces that 49er fans are used to having mold their brains.

However, there was a surprise in the reaction following this ugly game. There was some good: ESPN has the 49ers ranked 15th in their power rankings for perhaps the first time in history. The San Jose Mercury straight-up admitted the combination of officiating/stupidity on the part of the Saints was responsible for the win, saying "the truth is the 49ers should have turned the ball over on downs long before."

Wow, who knew we would live to see the day when "the truth" according to a 49er Bandwagon paper actually in reality IS the truth? Do they finally get it? We'll wait and see.

Super hero

"Faster Than a Speeding Bullet, a Hero is Born".

That was the headline from the Chronicle to describe in classic Bandwagon style yet another unworthy 49er "hero". They were referring to Lance Schulters, who supposedly made a "miracle save" by intercepting a Hobert pass and returning it for the winning TD.

That the play is being celebrated as a "miracle" is no surprise. Sane fans everywhere watched the play and interpreted it for what it was: Hobert, a bad quarterback, made a bad throw into double-coverage and the DB did what he was supposed to do. But that's not good enough for the 49er media. They have to turn every game winning play for the 49ers into the "best ever" (see: Terrell Owens' "best ever" catch against the Packers last year or Garrison Hurt's "best ever" run against the Glenn Foley Jets or Wide Richey's "best ever" field goal against Carolina). And true to form, the nation's premier 49er-ass-kisser, Chris Berman -- perhaps concerned that others have been vying for his title as of late -- laughably featured this play as the best of the NFL during his little halftime show Monday night.

While all that is mundane and expected, what is actually irritating is the undeserved "hero" label being irresponsibly passed out to Schulters. As we said, this was the Saints, for crying out loud, a team the 49ers were supposed to beat by double-digits, and the fashion in which they won was filthy, not worthy of hero worship. As the Merc pointed out, the play never even should have happened. Most importantly, a hero needs to overcome true adversity, not Hobert and the Saints. We've discussed this concept before when Steve Young was placed on a pedestal for a pathetic win against Cincinnati.

But that didn't stop the the 49er P.R. department from eating it up. Schulters showed up to the postgame press conference wearing a Superman T-shirt. Schulters spoke about the 49ers' favorite subject, getting monkeys off their backs, in a blatant attempt to use this play to validate the release of Merton Hanks. So Hanks was the "best safety in the NFL", the guy that replaces his is instantly Superman. Gee, who would have guessed?

Hey, Tim: you don't know football

FOX announcer Tim Green's 49er smooching, particularly of Steve Young, was off-the-scale. We don't have the exact quote, but it is believed Green mentioned something about wanting to have Young's children. What's worst about Green is his blindness to any contrary opinion, using the catch phrase "you don't know football" to label any person with an opposing viewpoint. After Sunday's smooching exhibition, it's time for Green to consider using that phrase for himself.

As Cartman would say: "Stop your bitching"

A lot of people had the right to complain after Sundays game -- J.J. Stokes isn't one of them. Yet, there he was, bitching up a storm: "It's truly terrible,'' Stokes said. "We played like we were castrated out there on offense. I can't say it the way I want to say it ... I'm tired of busting my butt and not getting an opportunity ... I have to talk to somebody."

He did talk to somebody, yelling at wide receivers coach Larry Kirksey on the sidelines during the game. "Something should be done," was J.J.'s point.

Yes, it is typical 49er class, but Stokes' history of bitching is thoroughly documented. He lashed out in a profanity-filled tirade at a lowly beat writer once at his locker. Further, Stokes made noises about leaving the 49ers as a free agent last Spring. He laughed at the 49ers' initial offer to sign him, calling it "an insult", but after finding not much of a market for an overrated 3rd receiver, he crawled back to the 49ers with his tail between his legs. So a word to J.J.: stop your bitching. You had the opportunity to do something -- leave the 49ers -- and you decided to be a spineless dog instead, so nobody wants to hear it.

Pining away

Get ready for a lot of moaning next Monday when the 49ers travel to Arizona. Certainly much of it will be coming from Al Michaels creaming over his beloved 49ers, but if you listen carefully, you will be able to hear Bill Walsh pining away for his beloved Jake Plummer. You know the story -- Walsh supposedly begged the 49ers to draft Plummer, but Steve Mariucci decided to go with bust Jim Drunkenhumper. We've already debunked the ridiculous connection between Walsh and Plummer, but obviously the media will not let it go, and rest assured ABC will be playing up the angle until the party's over (with all due respect to Dandy Don). Knowing Walsh's ego, we wouldn't be surprised if he was rooting for Plummer to have a great game just to back his now legendary endorsement of him, regardless if it's at the expense of his team.

Last year, the 49ers cheesed-out three of these types of wins, allowing them not only to make the playoffs but to host the nonfumble game against Green Bay. If you were wondering this offseason whether the cheese would continue, tally up one for this year. As usual, the 49ers' success will depend on how many more are left in the tank. But with the 49ers clearly a second-rate team and no threat to win the Super Bowl, the real question is, how many more bad wins involving a mediocre opponent and/or referee-involvement will it take to get the Bandwagon back?

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