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2004 Game Summaries |
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2004 Game Summaries |
2004 49ers Results:
Record: 2-14 (.125)
Game 1: Falcons 21, 49ers 19
Game 2: Saints 30, 49ers 27
Game 3: Seahawks 34, 49ers 0
Game 4: Rams 24, 49ers 14
Game 5: 49ers 31, Cardinals 28 (OT)
Game 6: Jets 22, 49ers 14
Game 7: Bears 23, 49ers 13
Game 8: Seahawks 42, 49ers 27
Game 9: Panthers 37, 49ers 27
Game 10: Bucs 35, 49ers 3
Game 11: Dophins 24, 49ers 17
Game 12: Rams 16, 49ers 6
Game 13: 49ers 31, Cardinals 28 (OT)
Game 14: Redskins 26, 49ers 16
Game 15: Bills 41, 49ers 7
Game 16: Patriots 21, 49ers 7
(No further weekly game reviews were necessary as the 49ers were the worst team in the NFL, and we know, as their record drops, so does the Bandwagon. Besides, there's only so many times you can repeat that they suck without getting bored -- see below)
September 12, 2004 (NHS) -- Bad news for 49er fans: after closing the books on a perfect 0-4 preseason, the 2004 regular season is upon us. It's bad news because the 49ers are one of the worst teams in the NFL. And according to the Bandwagon Bible, that means thousands can't be Niner fans this year (since it's not Bay Area chic to root for a loser).
We already witnessed their first bad omen before the 49ers even took the field. It took Al Michaels almost TWO WHOLE QUARTERS until he mentioned Jerry Rice and Steve Young in the ABC broadcast of the season's inaugural game on Thursday. That's right; it's hard to believe, but it took almost a full 30 minutes in the Colts at Patriots game for Michaels to smooch 49er ass, whereas his usual modus operandi is to shovel his propaganda in 30 seconds (and if you're still stuck in the mentality wondering why Michaels would mention the 49ers at all in every game, even when they aren't playing, you obviously know nothing about the NFL media).
So imagine the Bandwagon's surprise when for a while it looked like nothing had changed in 2004 and the old "it's better to be lucky than good" motto that has defined the 49ers was in full force once again. In Atlanta's first series, Michael Vick almost fumbled the ball into their hands. Later there was the patented 49er "batted-pass-that-magically-ends up-a-49er-INT". They even made things close at the end before their actual talent came through again. Indeed, even the refs were playing the good ol' Bandwagon games, such as when one giddy Niner fan/ref signaled for a touchdown on a blatant incompletion, and another refused to call blatant pass interference against the 49ers until the teams had lined up for the next play (prompting the usual "I've never seen that before" comment you hear during every Niner game when it comes to the officiating, even though we've seen it every time).
Not that these developments were a shocker at all to Niner-haters based on history and that the Falcons are just trying to establish themselves as a competitive team this year. No doubt that's why the Almighty Schedule Maker had them visit Frisco on opening day, the wishful thinking being that maybe Vick and the Falcons would have just enough inexperience and opening day jitters to let the 49ers weasel just one more undeserved win before their inevitable horrendous season.
Also, while the rest of the football world is realizing how great things can be once their 49ers coaching ties are severed (see the Minnesota Vikings or the University of California), Atlanta made the idiotic choice of doofus Jim Mora, Jr. as their head coach, who brought with him the worst offensive coordinator on Earth (Greg Knapp) and the passé Wuss Coast Offense. Perhaps only Steve Mariucci rivals Mora, Jr. on the Clueless Hick / Gump Meter, and indeed Mora was more interested in having this be a lovefest than a grudge match. It was clear to all legitimate fans that overcoming his own team's internal ineptitude -- not the 49ers -- would be Vick's biggest hurdle on this day.
Handcuffed by the Wuss Coast Offense, Vick had a mediocre day. Sadly, thanks to the Dogma of Walsh, we saw none of the imagination, improvisation, and athleticism that should define Vick's career, just the concentration to make the right read between a choice of five dink passes. The elitists that run the media, of course, will see none of that because they are not fans of the game, just the bottom line, and they'll all crow that what matters is his team won. Yes, it was a victory for the "it wins, doesn't it?" mentality of those that want to see boring, watered-down football. Of course, for the real losers -- all legitimate fans of the game who want to see Vick play to his potential -- it was what it was, a snoozefest of bland, cowardly football with little in the way of exciting running or downfield passing.
And all the while those "49er Faithful" that bothered showing up booed and booed each time the awful Niners answered Atlanta's bumbling with atrocious play of their own, once again proving the stereotype of the 49er "fan" is in reality an embarrassing truth.
The other thing that hasn't changed, of course, is the pro-49er media. 49er apologist Tim Green was in the booth and at it again. One would think that if this former Falcon was going to toss aside any journalistic pretense and turn into a cheerleader, it would be for his former team while they romped, but as we've seen so often from ex-players, inexplicably he'd rather side with pro-49er propaganda as if under direct orders from his network superiors. All day long Green sobbed about all his favorite "best ever" Niners that had left during the offseason. To wit: "A lot of people in the Bay Area are still big Jeff Garcia fans, and so are we."
Well, guess it's nice Green actually admits that he is a Niner fan and not the neutral broadcaster he's supposed to be, because it went on and on. He even managed to work in a Joe Montana comparison while discussing Ken Dorsey, since the media really has nothing left but excuses and to deflect all criticisms of the present by inflating the myths of the past into even further "best ever" fantasy.
After the lone ray of sunshine on the day -- when at halftime, Howie Long rightfully put Vick's early success into perspective by dryly stating, "Let's be honest, it's against San Francisco" (i.e., don't pour on the Vick hype too much until he plays a team that doesn't completely suck) -- the broadcast returned to Green, who had his little classic soliloquy waiting. Green whined how Howie was wrong and that the 49ers defense "is not a bad defense", and in short how the game was more about credit to Atlanta and not about what's wrong with the 49ers.
Funny, after 20 years of everything being about the 49ers, suddenly nothing is -- except for the same old spin that will protect them, of course. So thanks to you, Al and Tim. Instead of retiring, your ridiculous pro-49er unprofessionalism forces us to still have a job to do here at the NHS.
September 19, 2004 (NHS) -- The "outrage" was everywhere around the Bay Area, as echoed by the paraphrased words of a caller to a Bay Area AM radio talk show following the game, "Since they can't even get pass interference right, I'm never wasting my time watching professional sports again!"
Caller after caller expressed their alleged "outrage" over a bad offensive pass interference call that was called against (gasp!) the Niners of all teams with seconds left in the game, which "stole" their rightful win. But everyone knows the truth:
The "outrage" was fake. Manufactured. Like a rich San Francisco liberal pretending to care about the environment while driving a Hummer. The reality is that despite the words that they've learned they're supposed to say in such times, these "fans" have no passion about the current 49ers; in fact, they are relieved, because now many have their big excuse to explain why they have stopped watching the awful 49ers (for you see, it's a protest on convictions, a stand against the bad referees -- not a jump off the Bandwagon).
The sad thing is that the pretense isn't needed. All agree the collection of minor league players masquerading as an NFL team, led by Ken Dorsey at quarterback and four defensive linemen signed off the scrap heap less than two weeks ago, is an embarrassment. Dorsey no doubt realizes his Miami Hurricanes teams would have rolled over these guys (even with Dennis Erickson coaching). Given that, and given we all know virtually all Niner fans were created post-1981 and don't have the mettle to hack any adversity, the Bandwagon's whining reaction is not only understandable, but expected.
And speaking of hurricanes, the 49ers cruised into New Orleans days after inclement weather completely disrupted the Saints' professional routine and private lives. Minutes into the game, they lost one of the better running backs in the NFL when Deuce McAllister almost pulled a Theismann. While not a break, the high ankle sprain caused enough pain for McAllister to literally throw the ball away in a spasm into the arms of the 49ers, which led to their first score. The script was set for an "amazing", "gritty" win to keep the Bandwagon full another week.
Then the reality of the "new era" 49ers took over. Their defense, universally praised among those "expert" media-types out there (including a laughable naming of Julian Peterson as the 11th best player in the entire NFL, according to The Sporting News), laid down as New Orleans hung a 30-spot on the scoreboard (with many props to the overrated pretender Peterson, who was toasted on a 37-yard TD catch by Jerome Pathon).
Meanwhile, the Saints were being -- well, the Saints. They could barely snap the ball without fumbling and even added a "run into into the punter" freebie 49er first down to the circus. Thus, it looked like the Niner story book had one last act left in the script. On their would-be winning drive, a screen pass brought the Niners to the Saints' one-yard line with 12 seconds left, and the Bandwagon smugly applauded the arrival of their expected birthright, the cheesy win. But lo and behold, the play was wiped out with that ill-timed yellow hankie that all other fans are so accustomed to seeing with their teams, but to which Niner Nation is a virgin.
Then all that was left was the whining.
And, no, we're not just talking about the fans. "I'm speechless,'' Kevan "Classy" Barlow told the San Jose Mercury afterwards, "That's just bad on their behalf. I think the fellas feel like they took the rug out from underneath us. I felt like everything was going New Orleans' way. We didn't get any calls."
Funny, all during the pro-Niner broadcast (in between the one thousand comparisons between Ken Dorsey and Joe Montana), we were fed by notorious 49er-smoocher Brian Baldinger that "no excuses" was the way the 49ers operate -- once again showing just how little regard FOX has for the truth of the 49ers. Baldinger and Kenny Albert also played the obligatory martyr card by constantly referring to worthless injured 49ers without so much of a realization that if you added all the injured talent on the 49ers side it wouldn't add up to even one Deuce McAllister ankle.
The rest of the media is still going through the motions, too. Like last week, the SF Chronicle actually labeled the performance "gustsy", spinning all sorts of praise out of a loss to an inconsistent, injured, mistake-prone team with a hurricane hangover, and fully playing the "bad call" whining as a legitimate excuse.
But soon, like all those "die hard" Frisco fans, the media's Bandwagon ride will be over, too. We'll hear less and less about how the poor, gutsy Niners were jobbed, and more and more exaggerations about just how oh-so Best Ever the "old Niners" used to be and who we should blame for the current insult (hint: get used to hearing the name John York).
And naturally, not one neural connection within this kludge of warped grey matter will mention the coincidence that only now -- after the spend-more-than-the-Yankees, bribing, gambling, convicted felon, cheating the salary cap DeBartolo era is over -- does a game-deciding call, or heaven forbid the normal bad breaks that routinely happen to the other teams in the NFL, actually happen against the 49ers.
When you understand this truth, you will understand this truly is a "new era" for the 49ers.
September 26, 2004 (NHS) -- The 49ers got blown out 34-0 by Seattle, but the real story for the Bandwagon revolved around yet another piece of insipid 49er nausea: losing their little "streak" of consecutive games in which they scored a point. Indeed, the pro-Niner pages everywhere were filled with "woe is me" whining that being shut out signified the demise of "the last link to their dynasty days" (San Jose Mercury).
Why people would consider this "streak" a "record" to marvel at, as opposed to unemotional trivia, continues to boggle rational minds everywhere. But then again, they are the Niner Bandwagon and subsist on such drivel. The Bandwagon media has even taken to calling it "their NFL-record scoring streak".
Are you kidding? Talk about an exaggeration. Hell, why not just go ahead and anoint it a little nickname like The Streak? The technicality of even calling this a "record" is laughable. In terms of importance, it's about as significant as, say, a streak of games winning the opening coin toss.
Yet obviously the Bandwagon media is working overtime to make it seem like definitive "proof" that the 49ers' offense has been The Most Powerful Scoring Juggernaut Ever in order to amass such an "amazing streak". Nice try guys, but for legitimate fans, such an obtuse stat is about as much "proof" that the 49ers are "the greatest offense ever" as Isaac Bruce being the only player to start a season with four consecutive 100-yard games "proves" he is "the greatest receiver ever", or Morten Anderson recently setting the most number of games played "proves" he is "the greatest player ever".
To make this crystal clear even to Niner fans, let's run with the Bandwagon's mentality on this and assume that ONLY a "Best Ever Dynasty" with "Best Ever Players" could EVER have such a Best Ever NFL-Record Scoring Streak. If true, how can we explain:
It's amazing we have to explain this to the media, but -- duh -- just because a team avoids a shutout, it doesn't by definition equal that team is great. In fact, if you look at the converse, many great teams over the years do get shut out when the wrong circumstances align, including Super Bowl winners (see the Patriots opening game last season: 31-0, Bills).
The thing people should take from the 49ers' "streak" isn't anything about "greatness", it's about realizing how unbelievable it is that negative circumstances never combined against the 49ers like they do against all other teams. No matter how talented or great they may be, all other teams have games of unlucky turnovers, get screwed on a call, get decimated by the injury bug, or run into a hell-fire breathing division rival out for blood that results in a shutout.
But the Niners always had just the right fortuitous mix of myriad factors, that lucky bounce or call that would step up just right to allow them to get that score even if everything else was going wrong. And, of course, it helped that they had no rivals in the soft, hate-free, passionless NFC Worst that was always more than happy to lay down for a score.
This serendipity -- the "49er Cheese Factor", as we've described it over the years -- is, friends, the only "amazing" moral to this "streak". Yet the complete idiocy once again of the pro-49er media will insist on implying a greatness standard where none is merited.
Why? Simple. The Bandwagon is intent on spinning everything bad about the present into overrating everything about the "old Best Ever Niners". Therefore, what should be meaningless trivia is magnified into something more. After all, what better way to deflect criticism of their embarrassing present than to contrast it to a fictional level of unmatched past offensive greatness?
For the 49er Bandwagon, such End Of Streak events -- like this pointless one and the equally pointless consecutive games in which Jerry Rice caught a pass -- are the end all, be all defining moments of 2004. After all, with their team in the toilet, the only streaks Niner fans have left are ones like, "How many games in a row can I not show up and still say I'm die-hard because I'm rich enough to flush season tickets down the toilet?"
October 3, 2004 (NHS) -- After last week's embarrassing shutout at Seattle, many 49er "faithful" are long gone, but a large contingent stuck it out one last week. After all, coming to the newly-christened Monster Park was the "same old Rams", a poorly coached, mistake-filled franchise on the ropes. No doubt every good Bandwagoner had visions of plum turnovers dancing in their heads or perhaps that twist of old Niner luck allowing just one more undeserved win. Yes, it was the perfect set-up. If ever this awful team was going to cheese out their classic undeserved win, this was the chance.
Sensing this, when the 49ers' opening drive stalled at the St. Louis 30, the bubble all but burst right when Dennis Erickson sent out his punt team. Erickson's logic was sound; his kicker doesn't have the greatest leg, the MonsterStick winds were blowing as usual, so foregoing a 47-yard field goal attempt was hardly the Worst Decision Ever. Yet every Bay Area media member was so personally hurt by this decision they all lamented it as such it in their recap stories. Don't bother explaining that their rationalizations make no sense (three points don't change a blowout game ultimately decided by 10, nor does it change the fact their overrated defense laid down to the tune of 172 rushing yards and their quarterback lacks NFL talent) -- just understand there are no sports journalists in the Bay Area, just pouting Niner fans.
The formerly-beleaguered Rams rolled to a 24-0 lead by halftime then cruised to a comfy win, completely turning their season around -- that's what playing really bad team will do for you. Yet to listen to the ESPN broadcast you would have been hard-pressed to realize there was any sort of compelling story line involving the better team that was actually winning. As usual, the entire broadcast perspective was from behind Bandwagon goggles.
We're not sure when the network changed their catchy jingle to a collection of violins, but certainly no other music could match the gloomy mood and sniffles coming from the booth over the demise of their favorite team. All the injury and "salary cap hell" excuses were dragged out within the first few seconds of air time and repeated ad nauseam. The Niners' effort for "not giving up" in garbage time was laughably praised as if it was just oh-so-unfair that we had to keep score instead of just giving medals for trying their best. And of course, like the 15 other times it will happen this season, the little montage showing just how great the 49ers used to be was shown again and again to whisk away the bad feelings of the now with the fuzzy feel-good past -- no matter how fake that past facade be.
There was also no comment when Isaac Bruce hauled in catch after catch and all the Rams fans in attendance called out the familiar "Bruuuce", because no doubt ESPN, like all the clueless Bandwagon fans joining in, thought they were booing -- a reminder of how every level of the 49ers is just that ignorant.
October 10, 2004 (NHS) -- In a flip of typical arrogance, a Niner-smoocher at the San Jose Mercury wrote that beating the lowly Arizona Cardinals "did not prove that the 49ers are still the 49ers, because we know they're not."
Let's see ... didn't they just barely cheese by an awful NFC Worst opponent at home, mind you, thanks to their opponent's stupidity, a non-called offensive pass interference, and a fabricated roughing-the-passer?
Sounds exactly like they are the still the 49ers.
And just like when Steve Young used to have "miracle" comebacks against the vaunted Bengals, heroes are being anointed today such as Eric Johnson. The mediocre tight end keeps chugging away convincing ignorant fools that he is "good" -- so move over overrated Brent Jones, because Johnson just had the Best Game Ever for a 49ers Tight End and is laughably actually leading the NFL in receptions (proving just how much stock you should put into statistics -- especially five games into a season).
Plus, now that Johnson has some gaudy stats to go along with his cute Ivy League story, the media is revealing his nickname as "Bill's Son". Supposedly this nickname derives from him being the last player drafted by Bill Walsh in 2001 -- and how could they possibly pass up such a coincidence to kiss Walsh's ass? -- but we all know the real reason for the nickname is because Johnson, too, is obscenely overrated thanks to the Niner Spin Machine. But don't worry, he'll be gone faster than you can say "Bay Area Earthquake" -- the nickname the NFL itself once gave to Ted Popson in a promo to hype yet another worthless 49er tight end.
(We'll pause as you laugh at remembering the gall of trying to pass off Ted Popson as an NFL player -- let alone hyping him as a 49ers star -- then realize they keep pulling the exact same tricks with Johnson today...)
Meanwhile, you won't hear a word about Bill's "other son", Dennis Green. You remember him, right? The former 49ers assistant that like all ex-49ers coaches is constantly hyped as being part of the "Walsh Family" of coaches? Funny, today you won't hear a peep of that crap since such a colossal choke of coaching to let his team lose an easy victory would never, ever be connected back to what he learned from Father Bill.
Finally, the 49ers lost their most overrated player -- Julian Peterson -- for the year, which means absolutely nothing to the nuts and bolts of the season but everything for the Bandwagon looking to whine about any excuse they can. As of Wednesday, October 13th, Peterson's injury was still listed among the NFL.com headlines -- yes, four days and counting. Not that we'd ever suggest there's a 49er bias or a bunch of Whiner fans controlling the media...
October 17, 2004 (NHS) -- Ever since Dennis Erickson came to the 49ers he's been grumbling about "going downfield". Indeed, most of the dismantling of the team that went on in the preseason was to get rid of the coaches and overrated players that thrived solely thanks to the Wuss Coast offense. The S.F. Chronicle even ran a story entitled, "Demise of West Coast offense, Victim of disguised blitzes, other defensive strategies". It appeared the WCO was finally dead in S.F.
But just like last season, Erickson reacted to his 0-4 start by slipping back into the cozy tradition of the 49er Dink. Their only win of the year came last week against Arizona in a contest that redefined the meaning of "Dink Fest". Tim Rattay threw 57 passes and the longest gain of the day was 23 yards. Hey, it wins, doesn't it?
Not quite. Even though the Niners continued to ride this philosophy through almost four more quarters to hang with the undefeated Jets, with just 1:44 left in the game, Rattay came under pressure. So as he'd done so successfully against the Cardinals, he instinctively looked to dink the ball off as if Bill Walsh himself was talking into his earpiece (remember, Terry Bradshaw didn't call it the "get rid of it and save your ass" offense for nothing).
The shock of what transpired was evident in Rattay's reaction of slapping his hands to his helmet in disgust. The dink pass (which was caught one yard behind the line of scrimmage) ended up perfectly in the arms of New York LB Jonathan Vilma, who rumbled down to the 20. The useless Niner defense laid down, of course, and the Jets scored the winning touchdown to improve to 5-0 on the young season.
Remember, if there's one thing that can trump the Niner Cheese Factor, it's playing a decent opponent on the road. It's too bad it was so rare for all these years.
It's official: By losing at home to Miami, the 49ers became the worst team in the NFL and the only team left with just one win on the year. No more game reviews were necessary since when the 49ers record spirals down to nothing, so does the Bandwagon.
The 49ers ended up with just two wins, both against Arizona in overtime. No other team in the NFL had less than four wins. The entire franchise at the end of 2004 is a complete joke; not just the team, but its fans and media as well. They're still pining away about a fictional "best ever" past that never was because they can't handle the complete truth of the pathetic present (their memories conveniently ignoring the cheating the salary cap, outspending every other team with dirty money and, of course, the cheesy dink-pass offense). And that huge waiting list of dot-fans wanting 49ers season tickets has vanished -- not that we'd ever suggest everything about the Niners has always been just a fake bandwagon ...
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created: September 13, 2004
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