2003 Game Summaries

Of course, what all these chumps have in common is the same exact thing: The 49er Schedule, where every year we ask how is it possible for it to actually be easier than the previous? Hats off to the NFL for outdoing themselves by bringing over the 4-13 (dating back to last season) Bears to inaugurate the Erickson era. And, no, we're not going to waste any breath talking about such a farce of a game itself. Suffice to say, the 49ers could have sat down in handcuffs, and Chicago would have still tried their best to score points for the 49ers.

Meanwhile, the NFL also ensured their friends in the media would have a glorious opening day by pitting every "villain" in no-win situations. They sent the hated Raiders to Tennessee, the Rams to New York and the Falcons to halt any sprouting hopes in evil Dallas. So please excuse the giggles coming from the giddy NFL and media Bandwagon this week.

But that's not all. Thanks to the classic 49er schedule serendipity, the 49ers will next catch a hopeless Rams team that's foundering in controversy surrounding their 2-time MVP quarterback. All the Niners have to do is sit and wait for them to self-destruct, leaving only Seattle as a long shot for any type of competition in the NFC Worst.

Yes, once again mediocre, overrated San Francisco stands with its hand extended, demanding free and unearned passage to the playoffs, while The Piper is lost in the shadows awaiting his due. So welcome to the Bandwagon, Mr. Erickson, and enjoy it now. As for the NHS, we'll now be leaving this regularly scheduled Bandwagon program until such time as the 49ers actually play a meaningful game ... when it's time to pay The Piper.

Rams 27, 49ers 24

DUMB LUCK
Same Old Rams fumble and bumble, but 49ers' stupidity reigns

September 15, 2003 (NHS) -- St. Louis fought hard all day to prevent their superior talent from surfacing, but even with all the turnovers and breaks going for San Francisco, the result proved the 49ers are still just a second-world team that couldn't take away a win that was being offered on a silver platter.

Everyone assumed that the Rams would give the 49ers more than their fair share of freebies: a free TD on a muffed punt (just like the Bears last week, and apparently every 49ers' opponent this season), Marc Bulger's Tony Banks impression (well, Banks would have had three fumbles), a Niner fumble "magically down by contact" (thanks, refs), Rams' DBs dropping would-be INTs (Bengals in the Super Bowl, anyone?) ... but the squib kick that miraculously became a recovered onsides kick for the 49ers was actually a new twist in the 49er Script.

Everyone also knows the Rams are just way better, and the better team won, only the cheese factor made it close. St. Louis bumbling gave the 49ers the ball in Rams territory four times in the first half alone, but the 49ers' "new going deep" offense did squat with it. St. Louis even gave back the ball in Rams territory at the end when the 49ers laughably recovered a kickoff gone wrong. The Bandwagon was thus salivating to ignore all these breaks and crow about a "best ever gritty comeback", but as the lesser teams are apt to do, Niner bonehead Cedrick Wilson (the new "embarrassment to humankind," Mayor Brown?) refused to fall down and call a timeout at the end of regulation, killing the last chance at Niner Cheese. The Rams promptly marched through the overrated Niner defense in overtime to kick the winning field goal, and Chris Berman marched to drown his sorrows in a box of Krispy Kremes.

Aside from the Rams' sputtering denying the rightful blowout and leading to duped Whiner fans thinking they had a legitimate right to win, the most galling result of this game, as usual, is the Bandwagon's complete ignorance of the avalanche of blessings received coupled with their misplaced whining about injuries. They actually believe with their typical brand of insanity that they failed to get enough breaks and they suffer injuries like no other team. It's no surprise, since this whining was shoveled to the public in the one-dimensional, 49er-smooching FOX broadcast. FOX ran a montage of fabricated "49er miscues" to convince people they were having bad luck!! Niner-whore Chris Collinsworth whined so much about 49er injuries to meaningless schmuck offensive linemen that one thought it was remarkable the poor Niners could even field a team. Then there was Terrell Owens blubbering afterwards, "They're kind of lucky. I hope they don't expect to come back into (3Com Park) and win."

The proper statement is, "I hope the 49er Bandwagon doesn't expect the Rams to come into 3Com and give up muffed punts, muffed kickoffs, fumbles, dropped interceptions, have every 49er fumble ruled 'down by contact', have three MVP awards (Kurt Warner and Marshall Faulk) missing all or part of the game, as well as half their receiving corps and secondary ... thus giving the 49ers their only chance in hell of winning."

Oh, wait, they do. And why shouldn't they?

Browns 13, 49ers 12

49ERS EXPOSED, HUMILIATED BY AFC'S WORST

September 22, 2003 (NHS) -- As It Is Written, every difficult game on the Niner schedule must be followed by a creampuff. True to form, 0-2 Cleveland, one of the worst teams in the NFL, clocked in on Sunday to perform their duty and roll over to "prove" the "greatness" of the 49ers and erase their futility of the week before against the Rams. But instead of the virtual bye week the NFL intended, the awful Browns committed blasphemy by going against the script, thus exposing the truth of the overrated 49ers.

Yes, we're talking about the same Browns that gave up the NFL-record 295 yards to Jamal Lewis in one game last week. Yes, the same Browns that had given up a score in the last 2:00 of every half this season. Yes, the same Browns who had scored just one TD all season, with the AFC's worst rated QB at the helm, and a full-blown QB controversy. Heck, Kelly Holcomb even sprained his ankle to make a bad situation worse -- after the game it was revealed that Holcomb's leg was actually broken -- but apparently if it's not a no-name 49er offensive lineman that's injured, nobody in the media cares.

So how much of a shock was it that the 49ers lost this game, and lost it at home no less? Well, considering that we've known for what seems like forever now that the 49ers can't win a game unless the opponent hands it to them, and considering that it wasn't really a home game given the embarrassing lack of support in the worst stadium in the NFL, it's not that shocking. The only truly shocking aspect is that the Cheese Factor never kicked in, especially at the end, to make some "hero" out of some undeserving, overrated Niner schmuck.

Yet, for a time it looked exactly like the script was flowing. The Browns coughed up a punt return, making 49ers' opponents 3-for-3 this year in that department (although somewhere Chris Berman is no doubt outraged it wasn't recovered for a free 49er TD this time). Cleveland's long end-around play was whistled for an imaginary "illegal chop block", killing momentum in an early drive and ensuring the first half shutout.

And how about that new 49ers kicker? After firing Jeff Chandler because of the classic 49er mentality of "we don't care about field goals, only length of kickoff", Owen Pochman promptly booted the opening kick out of bounds and had zero touchbacks on the day. Then he magically made his first field goal ever in his NFL life and three more -- in fact, a "best ever" 4-for-4 -- in a typical case of intentions luckily turning out the opposite for the 49ers (see: Wide Richey's magical career with the 49ers). Naturally, on the other side, the Browns' kicker that was 11 for his last 14 suddenly was wide right.

But then the reality of the situation kicked in -- the 49ers are a spineless pretender with no heart to withstand the tiniest bit of adversity. When Cleveland didn't roll over because they intended to prove last week was a fluke, the Whiners crumbled. The most overrated running back tandem in the NFL, Garrison Hearst and Kevan Barlow, gained 32 whole yards on the day. Guess you can say that those two combined are 1/9th as good as Lewis?

Then there was the poster boy of spineless pretenders, Terrell Owens, actually thinking he's Just That Good that he can catch a pass deeper than his usual 2-yard dink garbage -- you know, as the 49ers promised in their new "best ever aggressive offense"? That 2nd quarter pass slipped right through his fingers, of course, because fact is Owens doesn't have the talent to catch deep balls on a consistent basis. And knowing that he was being exposed as the overrated pretender that he is by a Browns defense that went on the record the week before stating they could easily cover him one-on-one, his true punk nature came through when he threw his helmet in a sideline fit during the 3rd quarter, flapped his arms in disgust after every incompletion, and blamed everyone from the coach to the waterboy for the loss in the locker room afterwards. What a fitting tribute to the Whiner Way!

So upon reflection, perhaps it is fair to say the result was a shock, simply because it was so opposite of the normal script. The bad opponent didn't roll over, and a lucky bounce or the refs didn't hand the 49ers their typical freebie. Perhaps the new Erickson era is finally different.

It's difficult to choose the most delicious part of the whole embarrassment. Was it Owens' whining? Was it Hearst's and Barlow's stats finally reflecting their (and the overrated offensive line's) talent level? Was it the conceited, overrated Jeff Garcia coming up small after the local paper had run the headline, "Crunch time belongs to Garcia"? Was it watching the incredibly overrated "#1 ranked" 49ers defense collapsing when it mattered most, true to the gutless nature of not only their personnel but also their pathetic coordinator, Jim Mora, Jr.?

No, taking the cake was the utter disgrace that masquerades as NFL fandom in the Bay Area. As opposed to the real fans across the Bay in Oakland who actually support their team, tens of thousands of 49er "fans" think their duty is simply to throw money at providing a sellout. Then these smug "49er Faithful" who counted this game as already won decided they had better things to do than support their team, or decided that the 80-plus degree weather was just too tough for them to take. It was the CBS cameras that worked up a sweat trying to find that crowd shot that didn't show the rows of empty seats.

Those 49er "fans" that actually showed up sat on their hands waiting in vain for their birthright -- their scripted ending, that cheesy break -- to come hand them their deserved win. No, they have no clue that they got more than their fair share in the breaks department. They think every punt should be fumbled into their hands, they think every opposing QB should have a broken leg, and they have no idea it's a crock to have a kicker who had never made a field goal in his life turn "magically best ever". For a moment it looked like they got their break in a poorly thrown 4th quarter INT, and that the most overrated defender in the NFL, Julian Peterson, would be their hero against a crappy team du jour. The play prompted an eruption of some of the worst smooching of the year from Phil Simms of all people -- replete with perfectly logical comparisons of Peterson to Lawrence Taylor, of course -- but even that wasn't enough. L.T. Peterson promptly chumped it up when it mattered most, missing a key tackle when the Browns marched 17 plays and 91 yards to the winning TD. The stunned Whiner fans -- and Simms and Greg Gumbel and the NFL -- couldn't believe the script went wrong.

Perhaps watching the makeshift Dawg Pound take over 3Comdlestick at the end was embarrassing enough to hammer home the truth of the 49ers for the Bandwagon. Perhaps now we'll see some lightening of the ridiculous pro-Whiner hype. Perhaps ESPN's Chris Mortensen will remove the 49ers from being #5 in his power rankings after moving them up after their "impressive" loss to the Rams. Because no matter how much the unbiased Mort and friends want to put the Niners #1 and spin yarns about the "gritty", heartbreaking loss to a Browns team that's suddenly "not that bad", or how Holcomb now deserves the MVP, they also have been waiting to jump off the Bandwagon and blame everything on getting rid of Steve Mariucci, or injuries, because that makes for a pretty good script, too.

Vikings 35, 49ers 7

GUS WHO'S THE REAL PRETENDER?

September 29, 2003 (NHS) -- Let's see ... so far the 49ers have played Kordell Stewart in his first game with the awful Bears, Marc Bulger replacing the injured Kurt Warner, Kelly Holcomb with a broken leg, and Sunday, they lucked out of having to go up against the NFC's top-rated passer because Duante Culpepper has cracked bones in his back.

So enter Gus Frerotte -- a guy who couldn't even make it with the Bengals -- and now you realize the true depths of Sunday's 35-7 drubbing. While all the talk going into this game was about how the undefeated Vikings hadn't been tested yet, legitimate fans everywhere knew that the overshadowed story was how the 49ers have also had a joke of a schedule thus far, which makes the 49ers' 1-3 record truly a pitiful 1-3.

Backup or not, Frerotte promptly launched a touchdown pass on the opening drive and never looked back at ripping apart the terrible Niners secondary. Randy Moss got it started by out-jumping the overrated Ahmed Plummer for an easy six. Plummer, as you've heard too many times, is the 49ers best DB -- once again proving that just because a player is the best the 49ers have to offer at a position, it doesn't mean that player is actually any good. The only thing that stopped Moss all day was the refs, who flagged him for an offensive P.I. that took away another TD catch over one of the clueless Oompa Loompas masquerading as the 49ers DBs.

Moss went on to showcase his skills and put to bed any ridiculous thoughts that Terrell Owens is even close to his class of talent. Hopefully this first head-to-head matchup has made it clear that any of those so-called "experts" who has ever pondered such nonsense is a moron, period. It was truly delicious to savor Owens watching the much better and talented receiver romp to 3 TDs, while Owens' only romping was in acting like a whiny little bitch on the sidelines, screaming at his coach. If the 49ers had any self-respect or class, Owens would have been suspended on the spot. Ask David Boston.

But no, the Whiner franchise remains cowering in fear of big, bad Owens because they look at his hype and mouth instead of what is actually happening on the field. For example, they pandered to Owens' tantrums several times with deep passes to him, only to watch him have no clue on how to catch them. The 2nd quarter attempt was particularly telling, when he stood like a statue as a Vikings' DB went up over Owens and almost picked it off. Fact is, after a career of 2-yard dink catches, Owens simply does not have the knowledge of how to catch legitimate passes that travel further than ten yards downfield.

Meanwhile, the Minnesota offensive line-men proceeded to man-handle the pretender 49er defensive line-boys. Not one mention was made of the fact that Minnesota's #1 running back was out with injury because the janitor could have averaged five yards a pop behind the utter domination. The most overrated defender in the NFL, Julian Peterson, was literally run over on a 3rd-and-1. On the flip side, the awful 49ers o-line might as well have not even showed up, because they played like they didn't. The "most overrated running back to not actually be starting", Kevan Barlow, continued to be a running joke, getting stuffed on a late 4th-and-1.

The Niners were also outclassed in the coaches box, too. The Vikings -- finally rid of the stench of the Bill Walsh connection that covered Dennis Green -- seemed two steps ahead of the Keystone coordinators, Jim Mora, Jr. and Gregg Knapp. One almost felt sorry for Knapp as he was being berated and humiliated by Owens in front of all America, but then one quickly remembers that Knapp is a Walsh Offense disciple and deserves everything he gets for making a career out of running such a spineless, wussy offense.

The only bummer to the day, again, was the FOX crew of Joe Buck, Troy Aikman, and especially Chris Collinsworth, covering the 49ers for the third time this season (they missed last week's Browns game since that was CBS). Can someone explain why the #1 FOX crew is following the 49ers around this season as if they were the Grateful Dead? Not that any other crew would smooch any less, but an explanation would be nice.

Given the amazing 49er-smooching this booth has given the 49ers previously, it was no surprise when not even ten minutes into the game Collinsworth once again started crying about irrelevant injuries to worthless 49er offensive linemen as the root of all 49er problems, to which Buck several times added the poor Whiners "banged up offensive line is just doing the best they can."

Well, gee fellas, let's give them the Miss Congeniality Award, then, and end all this ridiculous talk. Fact is, no matter how much you want to hide behind injuries, the best the 49er offensive line can do -- ten injuries or no injuries -- is mediocre, because they lack talent up and down the roster. Besides, in the 2-yard wussy West Coast offense, you don't even need an offensive line since the ball is thrown in two seconds, and, anyway, the injuries on the Vikings side -- remember their starting QB? -- were 100% worse.

But Collinsworth continued building the excuse, blubbering about phantom injuries to Jeff Garcia, while mum was the word on Culpepper. Actually, Collinsworth finally mentioned Culpepper's injury at halftime, saying, "I bet his back is feeling better" when the score was 28-0, insinuating that Frerotte was suddenly so great that perhaps Culpepper should fear a QB controversy. Funny, he didn't mention that theory when the overrated Garcia was later yanked in favor of Tim Rattay. Collinsworth refused to accept any notion of the perspective that this blowout was the product of an overrated 49ers team being exposed as pretenders. "Whatever can go wrong is going wrong," sniffed Collinsworth. "The story is not the lack of 49ers defense," he stated. Mmm-hmm. It's just a suddenly "best ever" Vikes squad -- with MVP Gus Frerotte -- barely nipping the Super Bowl-caliber 49ers defense, right, Chris?

Aikman, though, actually had a couple of decent takes, noting that Owens completely punked out of any sort of effort at actually catching a pass that was thrown anywhere less than perfect. Here's an idea, Terrell: if you're so great, why don't you go up and grab the ball at the highest point like Moss does? Too bad Aikman left out the answer; namely, the overrated Owens lacks the ability to do so. Aikman pointed out that given Owens' whining all week about how he deserves the rock, he should at least make a difficult catch or make a play every now and then. But once again, Aikman didn't fill in the entire truth that Owens' play has never, ever backed up his enormous pie-hole. Then Aikman blew any credibility whatsoever with a retarded statement that "the 49ers were two plays away from being 3-0 before this game."

The reality is that after the joke of the opener, the 49ers have enjoyed two games that were kept much closer than they should have been by the 49er Cheese Factor, and finally this contest was devoid of the usual lucky 49er breaks. The tipped balls and timely penalties actually went Minnesota's way. A 49ers' opponent -- gasp! -- actually didn't fumble a punt to give the 49ers a free TD for the first time this year! Sure, things like Jeff Garcia's fumble magically went into the 49ers' hands, as usual, but other bounces evened it out. The refs were conspicuously absent in the 49ers' favor and the Vikings even benefited from some timely calls. That, of course, will have the Bandwagon up in arms -- "how dare calls go against the 49ers, don't they know who we are?" -- when every other week the Bandwagon smugly declares such calls as "part of the game" and "all calls even out over time".

What this game came down to is that absent the typical cheese, the 49ers lack the mettle to withstand any sort of adversity, as opposed to, say, the Rams, who still beat the 49ers in week 2 despite a 3-1 turnover deficit and uncountable bad breaks. And when the formula against Minnesota read 49ers v. winning team on the road minus cheese, the sum total is exactly equal to the blowout embarrassment we saw. And the bottom line is, if the 49ers got their asses whooped by a team led by Frerotte of all people, what's going to happen when they finally play a good team at full strength?

After the game, Owens stood on his soap box preaching how the 49ers have no heart, which is finally something that he's said that's true -- especially if you start with Owens himself.

We're 1/4th of the way through the 2003 season and in a pleasant surprise, the 49ers stand clearly exposed as the pretenders we knew them to be at 1-3. But just when it looks like justice has finally been served, their farce of a schedule comes back to the rescue. Up next: the hapless Lions with everyone's lovable gump, Steve Mariucci, at the helm. After this freebie, the 49ers travel to Seattle then host Tampa. But then it's back to freebie time against Arizona. In short, the worst the Niners can do is 2-2 over the next four games, and rest assured their Cheese Factor will work hard to steal another undeserved win.

49ers 24, Lions 17

MOOCH LEARNS THE SCRIPT

October 6, 2003 (NHS) -- When he was with the 49ers, Steve Mariucci was like a bump on a log. He didn't do anything good -- like, say, actually beat a winning team -- but he also never got in the way of a good script; i.e., letting the 49er cheese flow against the awful teams that they played almost every week. He was a clueless gump, nothing more than a rah-rah cheerleader more interested in spinning some crap about "the 49er way" to the media than actually getting results on the field.

Now, after the "new" 49ers gave him the boot and the media gave him the Golden Smooch as he packed for Detroit, he's finally gotten a taste of what it's like to be on the other side of the script. His quarterback magically threw his first pass into the arms of the 49ers to set up a cheap TD that proved to be the ultimate difference. The Lions' third down conversion on the next series was magically negated by the refs on an offensive pass interference call (no replay shown). Another third down conversion was erased by the umpire laughably getting in the way of a pass. Garcia's blatant fumble, like virtually all of the rare 49er fumbles that don't bounce their way, was of course ruled "an unreviewable incompletion" by the snickering officials. The Lions were flagged for two holding penalties on the same play ... twice!

How do you like "the 49er way" now, Mooch?

The result was the same old script we've seen for the past two decades: an awful team bumbling and erasing everything previously negative about the 49ers. The Owens-Garcia rift? All roses now. Heaven forbid anyone thought that Owens ever deserved to be suspended for his conduct last week, because didn't you see his dance? What a funny man! And the Niners slithered back into the headlines for a feel good story in an otherwise dismal weekend for Bay Area sports. Thanks again, NFL schedule-makers.

The outcome couldn't have been any better for the media. Their wish was to spin this in a win-win for their beloved 49ers and favorite coach, Mariucci, and the close score made it easy for them. The truth is that given how awful the Lions are, this one was written before it was even played. No matter what, the media was going to play it as the 49ers coming together in a warm, toasty way to defeat the great Mooch, who earned a moral victory ("his team fought hard the whole way!") -- instead of the truth that Detroit is simply terrible -- and the 49ers have to be pretty close to that to have actually made this one competitive.

Given such teams in such a game, you had to look elsewhere for entertainment. In the 3rd quarter, Garcia attempted one of those rare deep passes to Owens (you know, the ones that were promised to rain down every other play in Erickson's new "going deep" version of the offense?). Instead, the only thing that rained down were boos. Owens' made a half-hearted, pathetic one-handed wave at it, instead of -- oh, I don't know -- maybe a diving try? You ever heard of that, Terrell?

No, probably not, because Owens is used to easy passes being served up into his hands as is so easy to do on the usual 2-yard dink passes that have defined his career. The FOX crew of Kenny Albert and Brian Baldinger, of course, would have nothing to do with the remote possibility the CandleCom crowd was booing Owens for such a piss-poor try after his week of bitching and just assumed everyone was booing Garcia for a bad pass, which wasn't that bad -- especially considering it was weenie-armed Garcia.

Speaking of which, the #1 FOX crew finally had something else to do this week and we got Albert and Baldinger who, as predicted, were just as bad in the 49er butt-kissing department. The couldn't wait to get their horrendous smooching started and it flowed right away when they giddily pronounced All Is Well By The Bay when Owens grabbed a cheesy TD after his defender gave up on the play when he fell down. Not one utterance, of course, that Owens shouldn't even have been playing this game, he deserved to be suspended.

Not that Owens was doing much other than this only TD coming courtesy of the Lions trying their darndest to give the 49ers a free TD. If you're keeping score at home, the tally for 49ers' opponents now reads three fumbled punts and one INT all within the very first minutes of the games, setting the tone of the script early.

Maybe Albert or Baldinger could have mentioned Owens alligator-armed a pass (as he always does when there's a remote chance he could take a hit), which led to a Lions interception and score, but they were too busy reading from their -- you guessed it -- script.

So as expected, the NFL schedule-makers solved all the 49ers' problems and all is forgotten and forgiven by the Bandwagon. The 49ers got the breaks and bounces and a positive turnover differential, and crushed juggernaut Detroit by a touchdown at home. Looks like it's safe for all you die-hard Niner faithful to pull that memorabilia out of the closet again...

Seahawks 20, 49ers 19

49ERS FUMBLE THE SCRIPT

October 13, 2003 (NHS) -- For only the second time this year, a 49ers fumble didn't luckily bounce back into their own hands or the refs didn't make up some story about it being "down by contact" and "unreviewable", and it cost the 49ers in a game that otherwise had the look of so many of the past that followed the all-too-familiar 49er Script.

If you're keeping score at home, that's 50% of 49ers fumbles lost ending up as losses for them, because without all the breaks and bounces going their way, the 49ers don't win.

Note the amazing part is that it's reached the point that the 49ers need all the breaks to go their way, not just almost all or even most. This contest once again was chock full o' enough chances for the 49ers, such as the classic "down by contact so can't review" fumble that seems to accompany every 49ers game now, and an amazing five (5) personal foul calls on the Seahawks.

Four of those five penalties had a direct hand in 49ers points. About 30% of the 49ers' forward progress was thanks to 105 yards of Seattle penalties, mostly in the form of "unsportsmanlike conduct" calls. In fact, penalties were the only reason the Garrison Hearst fumble that snatched defeat out of the jaws of victory became relevant at all; otherwise, this game wasn't close.

You can look at the penalties in either of two ways, both of which are a big part of the Script: (1) a 49ers' opponent self-destructing, trying to hand over a win to the undeserving 49ers; or (2) the referees working overtime trying to hand over a win to the undeserving 49ers.

Most agree the 'Hawks deserve the lion's share of the blame with such boneheaded penalties, but you can't just discount the possibility of the pro-49er referee bias. Remember, a lot of personal foul calls involve that gray area of judgment and at least two of the penalties were questionable, including a classic "no replay shown" one that led to the 49ers' first TD. The referees were also judging Seattle for holding and other calls, and suddenly a team that had averaged 43 yards of penalties over their first four games had almost 2-1/2 times that against the Niners. In their last home game, Seattle beat the Rams in part because of a gracious 3rd down "defensive holding" flag from the home town refs. Now against the 49ers, they got homered at home. Go figure.

Perhaps the refs were just keeping things close and primed for an autograph or the next big planned show from Terrell the Entertainer. Unfortunately, it never came, because like most games that Owens participates in against better teams, he (or more precisely his hands) didn't show up. In the 2nd quarter the 49ers tried to get Owens one of those "downfield passes" that the 49er Bandwagon was promised when Dennis Erickson became coach. The ball was poorly thrown (read: Garcia threw it) and the defender overran the play, leaving Owens to simply pause and collect a wide-open freebie. Instead, he once again demonstrated a complete lack of knowledge on how to catch a pass thrown deeper than two yards, and an audible clang reverberated around the stadium as the pass smacked Owens' hands of stone, bounced off his facemask, and almost into the arms of a Seahawks DB.

After weeks of hearing Owens' rants and ravings about how he is the Best Ever, the rest of his team and coaches suck because they won't get him the ball, etc., what did the ESPN announcing crew have to say about this pathetic, embarrassing drop on Sunday night prime-time?

"It was the wind."

Yes, that's right. Before the ball had even hit the ground, Paul Maguire was declaring that it was "not Owens' fault, it was the wind."

Later, the 49ers tried yet another downfield pass to Owens that was easily broken up. Rookie Marcus Trufant had Owens blanketed on the play, because Owens cannot beat anyone 1-on-1 (as Cleveland announced before shutting him down). Joe Theismann's conclusion: "Trufant's not going to keep up with T.O."

Well, that's technically correct. Trufant didn't just keep up, he passed the plodding Owens and ran circles around him all night. Sorry Joe, even though you wrote "Owens is the best receiver in football today, a more powerful wideout than Jerry Rice ever was in a 49er uniform," your favorite receiver's just not as fast or as great as you dream him to be.

The scene of Owens dropping balls was repeated again and again. The last one of note was in the 3rd quarter, on a pass that should have been a sack except that DL Norman Hand was tackled (no penalty in the judgment of the refs), Owens once again displayed his alligator-arm technique because he was afraid of getting popped. For such a big, bad man, Owens sure is a wuss when it comes to going over the middle.

In fact, the only successful play by Owens all night was the patented 2-yard dink pass, run-after-the-catch variety, proving that the 49ers should give up on their ridiculous quest to be legitimate (which they're not) with downfield passes (which Owens can't catch) and just stick to their historically cowardly, cheesy Walsh offense.

As touched on above, the ESPN crew was as bad in the 49er-smooching department as one would expect from the home of Chris Berman. They pounced on injuries as the excuse to dismiss all that was wrong with the 49ers. Jeff Garcia was all but christened in sainthood and declared the Toughest Man Alive. Mike Patrick got the proverbial vapors every time he mentioned the overrated Jamie Winborn because he's just oh-so-fast. Theismann compared Shaun Alexander to Ricky Watters of all people, which was a bizarre comparison considering that Watters was a thorn in the Seahawks' side for way too long until he was finally and thankfully jettisoned to make room for the much better Alexander. Obviously the comparison was for the benefit of the 49er fans to relive their past glory days of the eternally overrated Watters in S.F. -- and to prevent the "faithful" from clicking the remote for another few precious seconds.

Finally, how about that Niner kicker? You remember that when the 49ers were seeking scapegoats a couple weeks back, Jeff Chandler was cut in favor of Owen Pochman. The rationale was that Pochman's leg is stronger, he will get more touchbacks on kickoffs, and the 49ers don't care about field goals. Well, after Pochman's magical 4-for-4 performance against the Browns, all that's left to say is that the 49ers finally got exactly what they wanted in Pochman as he boomed touchbacks yet missed a field goal and an extra point.

The 49ers thus end their first six games a bad 2-4. Going into this season, this opening stretch looked like it was going to guarantee the 49ers a 5-1 or 4-2 start. Only a loss at the Rams seemed like a sure bet, and maybe they would lose another roadie (either at Minnesota or Seattle, both losing teams last year). Turns out they lost 'em all. They even lost one of their three gimme games at home against some of the worst teams in football, when "the bright spot of the 49ers", their overrated defense, laid down and let the 0-2 Browns march 90 yards to the win behind Kelly Holcomb's broken leg.

We warned that when the 49ers hired Erickson, they took on a big risk of screwing up the 49er Script: "See, Mariucci was a dolt, so he didn't get in the way of letting the cheese flow. He stood by as the easy teams rolled over, he stood by while getting embarrassed by the good teams. He was like a stump of wood; a non-factor in influencing the 49ers' destiny. By contrast, Erickson is a strong-willed, aggressive coach who will want to change some things. Odds are that any changes will do nothing but disrupt the 49ers' cozy niche. If they venture outside their realm of beating fluff and concentrate on trying to be legit, they will find out their talent won't stand up when tested, and their wins will drop."

This pretty much sums up what's happened thus far. Erickson is trying to rewrite the script and do things like go downfield and actually be legitimate against the better teams, instead of just accepting his team for what it is: an overrated, mediocre team that gets by with cheesy wins when their schedule, the refs or luck hands them wins. The problem is Erickson, Owens, Garcia, and the rest of the 49ers actually believe their ridiculous hype and the 49ers are fighting who they really are, and that's cost them one or two extra wins at this point.

Not that we're complaining.

49ers 24, Bucs 7

BANDWAGON REVIVAL!

October 20, 2003 (NHS) -- Every dog has his day, and the Niners finally got their big win of 2003, virtually saving their season in a must-win game against the defending champs-turned-chumps. Sunday was summed up by one play: Brad Johnson, with no pressure on him, fluttered a dying quail into the arms of the worst starting DB in the NFL, Mike Rumph -- the awful Rumph's first career INT. Yes, every dog has his day.

And if you're counting at home, that's now five games where the opponent has given the 49ers a free turnover in the first few minutes of the game -- but don't expect the stat-gurus at ESPN or ABC to crunch numbers and find out if that's an NFL record, because that would tend to expose the 49ers as just a lucky pretender -- and no one in the media wants that.

We, of course, won't cover up the anomaly of when a team like Tampa Bay, the supposed defending champs, gives up four turnovers in one game after having just four turnovers all season (five games). Likewise, the Bucs had given up two sacks all year yet "magically" gave up two in this one game. How can this be explained? Proximity of Mars? The Sapp v. Tagliabue distraction? Tampa looking ahead to Dallas? The classic 49er luck to catch an opponent at their worst?

Whatever it was, the better team certainly was not the better team on Sunday. Instead of over-thinking the matter, perhaps we should just leave it at how Bucs LB Derrick Brooks put it: "We made them look better than what they are."

And speaking of which, Terrell Owens finally even caught a pass deeper than two yards downfield. Of course, that wasn't his touchdown -- that came on the typical 2-yard cheesy pass-then-run 70 yards that has defined the 49ers for the past twenty years. Hey, it wins, doesn't it? Who cares of it's cowardly; Dennis Erickson obviously doesn't any more as he's realizing that's what this team is all about. He's starting to get that these 49ers are at their best only when dinking the ball, and that's why the 49ers had their best game of the year. After pledging to "go downfield" when coming to the 49ers, coach Erickson finally sold his soul and put together a cowardly game plan of pure dink passes.

You gotta give him credit. He knew that Tampa's Cover Two defense will allow those dinks because usually their superior talent stuffs the run after the catch, but today much of that talent was injured. So wussy or not, any idiot Mooch-lovers out there have to give Erickson his due. It took Erickson just seven games to do what the most overrated coach in football, Mariucci, never accomplished in six years: a meaningful win.

Meanwhile, a lot of the blame has to go to Bucs head coach, Jon Gruden. It was no surprise that Erickson out-coached and out-prepared the overrated Chucky, considering the latter spent his entire week kissing the 49ers' ass and hyping his new book. Particularly galling was the play on NFL.com of Gruden's pablum of a whole chapter devoted to praising the vile Bobb McKittrick. McKittrick, if you'll recall, was the egotistical wussy who for years sucked all honor from the position of offensive line by teaching leg whipping as a staple to his always-overrated 49er chumps. Yet, according to Gruden and NFL.com, you might as well have given McKittrick (and of course the 49ers) the Lombardi Trophy for teaching Gruden everything he knew. In fact, Gruden's mind set was so intent on kissing the 49ers' ass that even just seconds before kickoff, in his sideline interview, he was still raving about how great the 49ers are. It was as if he was preparing his team to lose, which is exactly what they did.

As usual, if you want the truth of this Sunday, you have to go outside the S.F. Bay Area, and the Florida press certainly vented after this egg. "The Bucs were awful Sunday. Terrible. Rotten." said the St. Petersburg Times. And that was about the kindest thing we could find.

Of course, in the Bay Area, instead of understanding the truth, the 49ers, their fans and the media are going nuts this week, raving over beating "the Super Bowl champs". To say the Bandwagon is back is an understatement. Complete 49er ass-kissers, like Ray Ratto, scurried back from their bitching at the Raiders to now writing about the 49ers again. Even the players started popping off again. "That was old-school T.O.," Jeff Garcia smooched, "That was the T.O. that everybody has been waiting to see this year."

That quote begs a couple questions:

Note how the Bandwagon has completely glossed over that the Bucs doubled their season output of turnovers in one game -- in their minds, the only possible reason is just because the 49ers are The Best Ever. The Bandwagon has even started to celebrate their Best Ever running game again, but The St. Petersburg Times has it right by pinning the blame on the Bucs: "Carolina did the same thing with Stephen Davis, but maybe that was because of Davis. The 49ers had a line with two backups in there, and running backs who are kind of journeymen."

The Tampa Tribune summed it up: "When the Bucs weren't killing themselves - Thomas Jones' third-quarter fumble comes to mind - they were mere bystanders as the 49ers, desperate for a win, played as if their season was on the line, which it was. The Bucs' season was not. They played like it, too."

Sure, the Bucs will probably bounce back, get things together with some home cooking next week and probably make the playoffs, which will make people look back and think, "Wow, that Bucs game was an impressive win for the 49ers!"

Well, it was impressive simply because they won a must-win game and prolonged their agony for a few weeks, not because they beat a good team. So let the Bandwagon eat cake. It won't be too long before they wake up and realize they are still in 3rd place behind Seattle, who has the easiest remaining schedule in the NFL, and St. Louis, who keeps winning despite half their team being injured. It won't be next week against lowly Arizona, but the Bandwagon will be put out of its misery sooner or later.

In the meantime, NHS operators are standing by for the increase in our membership.

Cardinals 16, 49ers 13

BANDWAGON REVIVAL IS SHORT-LIVED

October 27, 2003 (NHS) -- Halloween isn't until next Friday, but the ghost of the truth haunted the 49ers today. And the truth is that last week's gift of cheesy circumstances was revealed to be the fluke that it was by the 49ers promptly choking to one of the worst teams in the NFL. Instead of the predicted easy romp through the wussy NFC Worst schedule, the 49ers took a step backwards from respectability and ended the first half of the season a bad 3-5. And in this wild ride of a loss, once again, the 49ers proved they don't have any talent advantage over any team -- not even Arizona -- they just let the breaks and circumstances dictate whether they win or lose. And without getting most of the luck, they aren't good enough to win, even against the dregs of the NFL.

One should have known something was out of the ordinary right off, when the Cardinals survived their first series with only a 3-and-out instead of the normal turnover most 49ers opponents have gifted them this year. Then Arizona didn't even fumble their first punt return to the shock of the Bandwagon (the nerve!).

No, instead the Cardinals were called for a pathetic, ticky-tacky "personal foul" call on their opening punt that gave the 49ers the ball starting in Arizona territory, which led to the first 49ers score. Ho-hum, the rout was on.

But the 49ers looked like a team believing more in their own press rather than living out that fantasy on the field. When a couple breaks actually went against the Bandwagon (again, the nerve!) -- such as a key penalty that led to the Cardinals' first score and a would-be TD catch by Owens actually overruled by instant replay -- the Niners folded as they always do when faced with the tiniest bit of adversity.

Remember, this was the Arizona Freakin' Cardinals, how much adversity can they actually offer? The Cards were of course the Cards all day long. A sure interception instead bounced off a facemask. A trick play went wrong for a turnover. A defensive stop was flagged as a "personal foul". This last play merits mention because it was beautiful in that DB Adrian Wilson played the Niner dink crap perfectly. He sat on the cheesy 2-yard pattern and literally took TE Jed Weaver's helmet off on a great hit, and the refs -- in a tribute to Bill Walsh's wussy watered-down version of today's football -- came up with a bogus "helmet to helmet" label to flag Wilson. The truth is they penalized Arizona simply for hitting a poor little 49er too hard when they were trying to come back (that's not in the script!), so instead of a punt, the 49ers marched to tie up the game.

Wilson was ejected two plays later, drawing yet another personal foul to help the 49ers score (Seattle game anyone?). It looked like Weaver was retaliating for the big hit by diving at Wilson's knees or feet, and that Wilson just kicked Weaver in response, but naturally the refs (and the FOX booth) were ignorant of such circumstances. Oh, we should mention the icing on the cake of how the 49ers actually tied up the game: Jeff Garcia went on his little bootleg jog to score untouched according to the script, but two Cardinals were waiting for him instead and stuck him so badly the ball went flying into the air. A fumble, Arizona recovers, game over? No, silly! The ball soared right into the arms of tackle Kwame Harris, who lurched in for the Niners TD. Even announcer Tim Green had to admit it was "one of the luckiest plays [he's] ever seen." Funny how one can say that during every 49ers game.

More ineptitude flowed. Kickers couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. Fumbles on both sides were ruled down. Garcia was allowed to throw to nobody while still in the pocket, with no comment. But when the game came down to making a play in overtime, the 49ers had Arizona on 3rd-and-5, but rookie WR Brian Gilmore beat the Niners on their own classic cheesy 2-yard pattern, which he ran right in front of the overrated Jamie Winborn and past the overrated Julian Peterson for the key first down. Hey, it wins, doesn't it?

With bungling on both sides, breaks going both ways, awful kickers and awful substitute kickers, one thing was forgotten:

It was the Arizona Freakin' Cardinals that bested the 49ers.

Yes, no matter how you want to slice it, it's a horrible loss. Bad luck or bad calls didn't allow 221 rushing yards from one of the worst teams in the NFL. The 49ers made Marcel Shipp look like Emmitt Smith (yes, Whiner fans, other teams have injuries, too).

In all fairness to the 49ers, on the road in the NFL, anything can happen. Green Bay found that out earlier in the Arizona desert, but that warning couldn't help the overrated Niners D from wilting under duress, just like they've folded every time this season when they were needed despite their gaudy ranking (see Cleveland's 90-yard drive to win it).

Yet before we dish out fairness to the 49ers, remember, this is the Bandwagon we're talking about. They don't get the concept. For example, when Oakland found out about the hard life on the road in the NFL with losses to bad teams, the Bandwagon media relentlessly crucified them. Wonder if the 49ers will get the same treatment in all fairness, or if we'll just hear some whining and excuses to shelter the poor hard-luck Niners?

Ha. Just look at the FOX broadcast, where Tim Green, 49er ass-kisser extraordinaire, was back at it for the 2nd week in a row. Dunno what was his worst: his ridiculous puffing on the mediocre Fred Beasely (hey, Tim, maybe this game of watching James "The Hammer" Hodgins outperform Beasely will wake you up to the reality that Beasely is overrated); or arguing against and making excuses for every call that went against the 49ers -- especially when he almost broke down into tears when instant replay actually overturned Owens' would-be TD, heaven forbid.

The Bandwagon's reaction can be summed up by FOX commentator Marv Levy's comment at halftime that "Owens isn't smiling right now ... and neither am I."

Don't worry, Marv, there's enough smiling coming from us Niner-haters.

After the first four games, we concluded that given such an easy upcoming stretch of schedule, the worst the 49ers could do over these next four games was 2-2, and the 49ers keep on happily delivering the worst. First, they beat their overrated ex-coach then lost to Seattle, as expected. Then, as we feared, they cheesed a win against a better team in beating the Bucs. But then they quickly threw away all the Bandwagon momentum in an awful loss at Arizona, leaving them at 3-5 and going nowhere midway through the season.

49ers 30, Rams 10

FACADE CLINGS TO LIFE AS CHEESE FACTOR NOT EVEN NOTICED

November 3, 2003 (NHS) -- As we've remarked on more than several occasions now, beating the 49ers isn't the hard part. You also have to compete with the bizarre circumstances, unexplained calls and events that only happen when you play the 49ers. The media likes to call it "the 49er mystique that makes opponents self-destruct". We, of course, decline that label because that tries to imply credit to the 49ers for things beyond their control. Far more accurate is our term: the 49er Cheese Factor.

So when 12 seconds into it, an important game for the 49ers was being dictated by an inexplicable referee reversal to give the 49ers a touchdown on the opening kickoff, followed minutes later with a penalty negating a would-be 49ers turnover on a kick return, followed by several more of the classic "referee huddles" throughout the afternoon, Niner-haters nodded and understood. Even if the Rams injury-depleted split squad came to compete today (which they didn't), the script already had cast them as losers.

The opening minutes were the 49er Problem in a nutshell. As the 49ers broke open the opening kick return, the "flag" message clearly appeared during the run-back. No big whoop, all seasoned NFL fans are well accustomed to having penalties negate good returns. The ref signaled the illegal block against the 49ers, and the game was set to start with the 49ers mired deep in their own territory.

But wait! Someone, somewhere instead decided that it wasn't a penalty after all! Who exactly this anonymous benefactor was will always remain a mystery, but in a stunning turn that could only happen for the 49ers that those same seasoned NFL fans couldn't believe, the penalty was magically reversed. The same ref that just seconds before motioned the illegal block penalty now muttered something into the mic like, "Um, I was just practicing my miming before. There's actually no penalty. When we threw the flag, we didn't think the 49ers would score, but since they did, there's no penalty."

That made it 7-0, then after the Rams scored on their first possession to make it 7-3, the 49ers coughed up the ball on the ensuing kick near their own 10-yard line. Unlike before, there was no "flag" message displayed on the screen, no flag could be seen thrown, and even though the announcers were in the middle of talking of a huge turnover for the Rams, once again, seasoned fans knew what was coming. Sure enough, that same ref was now muttering something about an "offsides on the Rams because they got the ball, which would be unfair to the 49ers."

More huddles and inexplicable calls followed, but don't take our word for it, here's what the St. Louis Post-Dispatch had to say: "That belated roughing-the-passing penalty on Tyoka Jackson to prolong a 49ers drive? That wasn't just a horrible call, [it was] one that calls the integrity of the officiating crew into question."

So instead of the game starting potentially 10-0 Rams, the ball went back to the 49ers, and the Rams deflated faster than the Hindenberg. Suddenly, the Rams couldn't pick up a blitz to save their lives. After allowing just 10 sacks in their last six games, they allowed half that total to the 49ers. Magically, the Rams +9 turnover differential over their last four games turned into a -1 against the 49ers as the ghost of Tony Banks took over Marc Bulger. Somehow, the better team was instead "flatter than the deck of an aircraft carrier," according to the Santa Rosa Post-Dispatch. And it was all for the 49ers benefit, as if nothing had changed in the past 20 years, or at least since the Tampa game.

That includes the 49ers QB, too. Once again, the great performance of Tim Rattay helps prove the legendary careers of Joe Montana and Steve Young as more farce than substance. After all, considering that Jeff Garcia has better stats than either of them, and now Tim Rattay is better than Garcia, perhaps it's time to realize that just about anyone can run the 2-yard dink offense? Further, Rattay did what the rest rarely accomplished -- threw a perfect strike on 27-yard TD pass. Sure, it was against a rookie corner and injury-depleted minor league defense, but the pass itself deserves its due. Fact is, Rattay is a much better fit for Dennis Erickson's offense than the weenie-armed Garcia.

For Niner-haters, it was just a usual day at the office. Niner fans, of course, seem to possess no sort of retention ability for the past and applauded it as a brand new "best ever" win. The difference, of course, is that most 49er fans aren't fans of the game, they just find it cool to root for the 49ers when they win. Niner-haters watch many other NFL games and understand how such bizarre circumstances are rare -- except when it comes to an important 49ers game. Then a team has to not only beat the 49ers, but also all the crazy stunts that are pulled. Good teams play their worst, turnovers happen, calls go the opposite of what they should, and the ignorant Bandwagon just sits there accepting it as all perfectly normal. Only Niner-haters seem to get it. Even the media is still shocked. Much like how the Kansas City press was flabbergasted by the Cheese Factor last year, today St. Louis columnists were venting:

Shh, don't tell that to Julian Peterson, or else he'd never get his precious Pro Bowl votes.

The 49ers themselves, of course, would have no part of the reality and strutted around their locker room afterwards convincing themselves and reporters they are actually the better team. "It's not a fluke when we beat the Rams like this," insisted outspoken newcomer Chidi Ahanotu. Hmm, one would think if that were true, it could go unsaid. Sounds more like he was trying to convince somebody -- perhaps himself?

Another amusing aspect is just how obsessed the 49ers have been with the fact that the Rams have been the better team since the new millennium. According to the overrated Peterson, Jim Mora, Jr. "pretty much told us that this team is built to beat the Rams." So call him Ishmael, just don't remind him that although they overcame their white whale today, they are 3-4 against other teams and still remain solidly in 3rd place in the NFC West.

Yet the 49ers remain on life support in the playoffs picture and got by in their second must-win game of the year. The 49er Problem is extended. Their second half of the season begins with a feel-good, truth-hiding victory much like how the first half of the season started with a blowout of the Bears. But like the first half and like after the Tampa game, things might start turning sour overnight. How long before grumbling about the overrated Jeff Garcia turns into a full-blown QB controversy? How long before Owens acts up again and the team implodes?

We don't know, but we can wait.

49ers 30, Steelers 14

ONE BIG HAPPY FARCE

November 18, 2003 (NHS) -- Every piece of the 49er Facade was there Monday Night to honor the most overrated defender in NFL history, Ronnie Lott. Many of the old hated players from the 1980s, including Joe Montana, yucked it up. Bill Walsh stuck his wrinkly face in the camera again. Al Michaels and John Madden smooched up a storm. Even felon Eddie DeBartolo, every day looking more and more like Jabba the Hut, made an appearance, much to the delight of the duped, ignorant Bandwagon masses.

But y'know, at this point after seeing it so many times, Niner-haters can barely stifle a yawn. Because like everything the 49ers have done over the years, the more the gullible sucked it up, the more the rest of us shook our heads at the transparency of the whole shtick. Monday's bit was a microcosm as to why the Whiner fans, especially those that continue their crusade in the media today, have never been satisfied: because there was never any substance behind the 49ers so-called glory days. Sure they got their wins, but they were empty wins by empty men -- and that emptiness pervaded all the glitz and hype of the night.

You look at Lott acting all classy and you see a ghost of a past paternity lawsuit. You see Montana and in his shadow there's Steve Young, stabbing him in the back. You hear all the love for DeBartolo, but all you can remember is him kicking all these same guys out the door before running off to gamble with some cocktail waitresses. You see all the fans cheering, but you realize that they aren't cheering for the game, they are cheering a fake image (see: actress Jennifer Garner giggling in the ABC booth, "I don't know anything, but I love Terrell Owens because he's cute!").

By the way, there was also supposed to be a game to be played, but just like the Broncos a few years back in Montana's number retirement circus, the Steelers played their part in the script by completely rolling over. Pittsburgh came out beyond flat -- Madden even calling it "uninspired" -- then gave the game away in a series of blunders, big plays, special teams turnovers and even the classic 49er ball-bounces-off-the-chest INT. "We probably dropped more balls in this game than we had all season," pondered Steelers coach Bill Cowher. Gee, what a shocker.

It was, of course, a perfect fit for the entire night, a reminder that padding stats and lucky breaks against 3-7 teams is the way the 49ers built their success. But it also served as a reminder of all the disconnects within the organization. For all the fictional closeness Lott was trying to manufacture with his gang of the past, all it really proved was a divisive split -- that's the past, and Dr. York's 49ers are now the present. Sure the 49ers beat up on a bad team at home, but they are hardly a team coming together, because they did it with Tim Rattay. Rattay is not only proving that any monkey can succeed in the 2-yard dink offense, but also proving himself better than the overrated Jeff Garcia, who of course is furious because in his mind he's proven himself better than Young and Montana with all his stats and little Pro Bowls. So there's a full-blown QB controversy the 49ers still have to deal with. Funny how Lisa Guerrero didn't ask about that in her hard-hitting interview with Joe Montana's son.

The 49ers are 5-5, two games behind both the Rams and Seahawks, and heading off into an unprecedented slate of cold weather road games. All signs point to an 8-8 finish at best and a dismantling of the team under bitter circumstances.

We hope the Bandwagon enjoyed the party, because the hangover is about to begin.

Packers 20, 49ers 10

ANOTHER WIN FOR THE NHS

November 24, 2003 (NHS) --

How many gift turnovers does it take for the 49ers to beat a decent team on the road?

One... two... three..?

*crunch*

Nope, not three.

For 31 teams in the NFL, a +2 turnover differential means a win at least 90% of the time. That's because for the rest of the NFL, getting three turnovers is still considered an amazingly lucky break, something to cherish and of which to take advantage.

The 49ers, on the other hand, treat turnovers as their birthright -- something that's just supposed to happen because they are, after all, the Niners. Thus, there's no fanfare when they happen. No jaws drop when the other team just gives them completely unforced. And it has finally reached the point that they are so accustomed to that advantage they can't even capitalize on it and win when given the ball twice inside their opponents 25-yard line, and once more for good measure.

This game was long overdue. For three weeks we were bombarded with insufferable hype and ignorance, and in less than three hours it came crashing down due to the incontrovertible truth of the 49ers -- that they are an overrated, fortuitous, mediocre-at-best talented team.

It started with the so-called "best total game by an NFL team this year", as SI's Peter King called the 49ers performance at home against the Rams -- just a taste of the ignorance stemming from a win that was, of course, more a product of gifts and circumstances than any talent by the 49ers. Then there was the bye week (where the 4-5 49ers actually rose to #6 in the NFL on SI's "power rankings"), then the Monday Night Football circus farce.

But our patience and wherewithal was once again rewarded, reminding us how all the more sweet it ultimately is when the Bandwagon inevitably crumbles. And make no mistake about it: with four road games at cold weather sites looming, the collapse was indeed inevitable.

For a time it looked as if the collapse would be delayed. Brett Favre's lack of a healthy opposing digit on his throwing hand gifted not one, not two, but three INTs. A quick illegal contact "penalty" on a 3rd down (no replay shown of course) extended the 49ers' 2nd drive. Even the weather was unseasonably comfy. But in the end, it took just 2:48 for Green Bay to stomp the life out of the 49ers' season and grant a victory to reality over hype, NHS truth over egregious Bandwagon ignorance.

The total embarrassment of this performance still hasn't been completely digested. The Pack had no QB -- Favre's thumb-challenged totals were 10 completions to Packers, three to 49ers -- thus had no option other than to run every play. Faced with this knowledge going into the contest, genius defensive coordinator Jim Mora, Jr. had a brainstorm. In order to appeal to his players' courage, he asked all his defense to sign a "Contract To Defense" before the game wherein they declared, under oath, "I refuse to leave Green Bay without a victory".

This just in: Julian Peterson seen still wandering around an empty Lambeau Field. "I signed a contract," he apparently was heard sobbing.

Way to go, Mora! That's truly motivation of which Bill Walsh would be proud. Too bad the "best ever faster-than-lightning" 49ers defense doesn't have the talent -- or more specifically, the heart -- to back up such brilliance on paper. They promptly laid down, got run over, stepped on, or however you want to describe giving up 242 rushing yards when you know the other team is running it every down, and after you pledged to a contract that you would stop it.

So much for those gaudy defensive rankings "proving" the 49ers defense is anything better than mediocre, because -- and we're sick of trying to teach this to the Bandwagon media that will never get it -- a ranking is only as good as the teams you played to earn it. Fact is, the 49ers did absolutely nothing to earn their "4th-best rushing defense" ranking going into this game other than simply playing a lot of really bad rushing teams. In fact, eight of their first 10 games were against teams that rank in the bottom half of rushing in the NFL. Four of those eight games were against St. Louis (twice), Pittsburgh, and Detroit, statistically the 30th, 31st and 32nd (worst) running teams.

The average opponent for the 49ers going into this game ranked 23rd in rushing. Now, if you're a member of the media, stop us if this is getting too hard for you to comprehend -- when all you play is bad rushing teams, it's not amazing, incredible, or "best ever" to have the 4th-ranked rushing defense.

The only decent running teams they played were Seattle and Minnesota, both losses. And now add Green Bay, another loss.

Next week: add Baltimore.

After such a nice day of complete domination by the Packers, all that's left is the joy of watching the Great Exodus Off the Bandwagon of 2003.

Some will deny it, of course. Red-faced and flustered, they'll progress through the stages of Bandwagon denial, the first step being to come up with their excuses, as usual, as to why the 49ers are actually better than their real talent. See Skip Bayless' take in the San Jose Mercury that it was all because of poor Jeff Garcia's injury. Funny, just two days ago he was writing how Garcia should remain on the bench since Tim Rattay gave the 49ers their best chance to beat Green Bay. Well, maybe it's not that funny to the Bandwagon that can't understand such hypocrisy and double-takes.

Others will go the opposite route and try to convince everyone they never thought the 49ers would be any good this year, anyway (read: jump off the Bandwagon). But when all is said and done, the best part is knowing that we Niner-Haters were there when the reality came crashing down.

NHS Annual Gathering Wins Again

Yes, the NHS had its Sixth Annual Gathering in the heart of the evil Bay Area itself to watch the game, and when the NHS gathers, the 49ers record on such occasions is 1-5. Now, we're not going to claim it's our collective will or karma that causes the 49ers to lose or anything. Fact is, even if the Bandwagon media lacks the I.Q. to get it, it really doesn't take a genius to recognize those rare times when the 49ers are actually scheduled against a decent team, so that's when we schedule our gatherings. We have to give the 49ers the credit for consistently losing to decent teams, not us.

As the Niner-haters left, we once again shared the same warm feeling: the 49ers aren't going anywhere this season and after that, things look to get worse. They are just good enough to get a bad draft pick, and thanks to the mismanagement of the salary cap by "geniuses" like Walsh and his protege Terry Donahue, they're about to lose a bunch of their most overrated players in yet another salary cap crunch this coming offseason.

And we'll gather again next year to celebrate.

Ravens 44, 49ers 6

THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

December 1, 2003 (NHS) -- The 49ers may be used to getting gifts on the field, but we Niner-haters got the real present this year -- the Bandwagon getting blown out in Baltimore, 44-6 -- and with their playoff chances all but gone, it's looking a lot like a Niner-free New Year's.

Guess we finally know what happens when the 49ers lose the gift of turnovers? Oh, wait, we already knew. Back when the 49ers played the Vikings -- yet another 49er opponent with a backup QB at the helm -- the 49ers were minus-3 in turnover differential, and thus fully displayed their lack of mettle in the face of adversity in a 35-7 laugher.

That, of course, was quickly dismissed as an "aberration" by the Bandwagon, and they were halfway right -- it was an aberration in that it was the only other game all season when the 49ers actually lost in the luck of the turnover battle ...

... and they are still a losing team!

The Bandwagon boggles at the concept, but it's true -- other teams do actually win sometimes despite turning the ball over more than their opponents. The 49ers, when losing a turnover, completely implode and just use it as an excuse to lose, because they can't handle the adversity.

But instead of all NFL fans hearing this truth, the 49ers +12 turnover differential going into this game has been the crutch used by the Bandwagon media to overrate the 49ers -- claiming the poor Whiners are just the victims of bad luck and losing close games -- blatantly hiding the amazing truth of the 2003 Niners that screams out to anyone with half a brain:

The only reason the 49ers have seemed even competitive at all this year is due to the amazing good luck of turnovers masking the stench of their overall lack of talent.

Four turnovers by Jeff Garcia emphatically removed that deodorant in Baltimore, and the result was as it should be when talent decides a 49ers game for a change -- a complete 44-6 butt-whipping -- the most lopsided victory in Ravens history, the 49ers' worst loss since Steve Young was ground into the dirt at Jacksonville in 1999, and for many the most satisfying 49er loss since the glorious 49-3 drubbing by the Giants in the 1986 playoffs.

It's hard to pick the most pleasurable place to start when such truth finally dawns on the Bandwagon and their facade is ripped to shreds. Perhaps we should start with the game itself, which revealed more about the 49ers' character than the talent of Baltimore. Once again, the Niners showed that when any luck goes against them, they fold. And the luck certainly went against them today -- four deflected passes turned into key interceptions for the Ravens, including a TD return by Ray Lewis to put the game out of reach before the first half was even over. It was as if 20 years of karma reached out and slapped the 49ers. (Of course, one game does little in the cosmic scheme to make up for the hundreds of opposite games, but no doubt it will "prove" to the idiotic Bandwagon that all things thus even out.)

The game was basically over when Jeff Garcia fluttered a high and wide pass towards Terrell Owens who, with his usual selfless gusto, barely waved a hand in its direction. Sure, it was lucky the ball landed in the arms of the Ravens, but fact is it never would have happened had Garcia made a decent pass or had Owens made even a half-assed effort.

The play was telling for several reasons, including the obvious that Owens is a punk who knows nothing of the meaning of team. If the pass isn't perfect, he won't move, because after all that's not his fault. Hopefully any team looking to sign Owens when he enters free agency will remember that when making out their check.

As for Garcia, he lip-synched taking the blame after the game for the interceptions, but mostly whined about the bad luck of deflections being the major scapegoat and remarked, "[W]hen we have a chance to get our hands on the ball, we're all pros, we need to ... step up and make some plays."

Sure, Garcia is a jerk for saying that and a weasel for trying to deflect blame off of himself -- fact is, despite the luck involved, every INT was the result of a high, behind or bad pass. But Garcia is correct. It looked very much like the 49ers receivers quit on the three deflections that led to interceptions (the fourth INT was wholly Garcia's fault as he clanged it off his own lineman's helmet). More specifically, the WRs quit on Garcia individually, because when Tim Rattay entered the game the receivers seemed rejuvenated. And reading between the lines, that's what Garcia's post-game comments were really all about. True to Owens' tirade weeks ago when he all but said Garcia sucks, the whole team seems to be lining up behind Rattay and wants Garcia gone.

Strange, what about all the feel-good Bandwagon fluff stories about the so-called "heart-to-heart" meeting between Owens and Garcia before the Lions game farce? Guess there's still a rift there despite the media's best efforts to cover it up? You wouldn't know it from hearing coach Dennis Erickson as he bumbles along oblivious to it, continuing his blind loyalty to Garcia.

Another nice thing to see in the game was Lewis personally ripping apart the 49ers. Given the history of marquee players laying down for the 49ers' benefit, we finally got one that actually lived up to his billing in a 49er game for a change. All too often we've seen the best players in the game lack energy and inexplicably play their worst (in their own self-assessments after the game) for the 49ers' benefit -- you know, part of that so-called "49ers mystique"? So when Lewis actually played like he should and completely dominated the pitiful Whiners, especially the overrated Fred Beasely, it was glorious.

A sad thing to see was the referee that suffered a bizarre concussion in an accidental collision during a Ravens TD celebration. The game had to go on with one less ref, which meant much less of a chance for the 49ers to win, of course.

Finally, let's turn our attention to currently one of the most overrated parts of the 49ers -- their mediocre-in-truth yet "best ever"-ranked defense. As we've pointed out previously, the entire reason the 49ers defense ranks high statistically is the turnovers and due to playing a lot of poorly-ranked opponents (i.e., it's not too hard to be successful stopping the run when your average opponent ranks 20th in rushing).

In Baltimore, this "best ever" squad gave up 44 points, and yet instead of accepting the truth, the Bandwagon continued to overrate the defense. The SF Chronicle called it the "bright spot" of the day, once again blindly pointing to the statistics. And Mr. Overrated himself, Julian Peterson, shoveled his delusional take that the defense played "great".

It's hard to even address such idiocy, but here's a hint to the Chronicle: the Ravens didn't put up a lot of yards on the stat sheet because they kept getting handed turnovers deep within 49ers' territory, not due to any excellence on the part of the 49ers' defense. When you only have 30 yards to score, all you can get is 30 total yards in that drive. But basically, who cares about total yards? The key was how the 49ers defense reacted after every turnover. They rolled over and let Baltimore walk into the endzone as if thinking since it was a turnover, it wasn't their fault, so they didn't have to try.

A touchdown after a turnover isn't an inevitability -- after all, just last week Green Bay suffered the bad luck of giving up two turnovers to the 49ers within their own 25-yard line and were minus-2 in turnover differential. Yet instead of rolling over, they stuffed the Whiners, kept them out of the endzone, and won the game. So note to Peterson: that's what "great" defense is, not gutlessly rolling over then claiming afterwards you played "great" because you had the excuse of turnovers masking your stats.

49er-Smooching 101

And speaking of excuses, this leads us to the amazing display of pro-49er ass-kissing by the FOX television crew with announcers Sam Rosen and Bill Maas, notorious 49er-smoochers. In most games, the announcers show little bias and tend to jump on the side of whatever team is winning. All such conventions go out when the 49ers are involved, of course. When the going got tough for the 49ers, Rosen and Maas got going, cranking any scenario into a positive for the 49ers and reaching deep for any excuse to defend their beloved merlot-and-cheddar. This tutorial of 49er Smooching 101 merits an in-depth review, so let's tick the elements off in chronological order:

1. The O-line excuse. It started right off the bat when the 49ers starting lineup graphic featured Eric Heitmann. What, you mean you've never heard of Heitmann? In case you've missed it, Heitmann -- a former 7th-round pick that would not even have a roster spot with any other team -- has been the excuse for everything that's gone wrong with the 49ers offense this year. But today, he was back from injury, so it was time to highlight the savior's return and remind us of the excuse as to why the 49ers were a losing team.

Then, coming back from the break after Baltimore scored the first quick TD in under five minutes, FOX once again highlighted Heitmann and the 49er offensive line, sobbing about all their injuries as if (a) no other team has ever had similar injuries and (b) completely hiding the fact that every person injured on that offensive line is a bad to mediocre-at-best player, so that if the 49ers had any talent whatsoever ever they could easily fill their injury spots, like all other NFL teams do.

Instead, in the next moment, the overrated Kevan Barlow broke off a decent run and Rosen reached orgasm. In the slow-motion replay, Maas started crowing about the great O-line, hoping to further the theory that since they were now healthy they were going to dominate. Funny thing, though, was the replay clearly showed the only reason for the gain was a blatant hold on tackle Scott Gragg, which Maas clearly saw, resulting in his stuttering lie that "Gragg doesn't use his hands, he uses his body to wall him off". Yeah, that's the ticket!

Thankfully for him, Maas' inane theory was saved when Derrick Deese went down with injury, so instead of having to admit the 49ers' offensive line is a pathetic excuse for an NFL unit even when 100% healthy, they had their scapegoat. "Oh man!" wailed Rosen, as if seeing Deese on the ground was equivalent to watching the Hindenberg go down in flames. "That's the last thing they needed!" cried Maas.

2. Travel on Thanksgiving. Next, Maas elucidated that the 49ers probably wouldn't win because they were cheated in that they had to travel during the Thanksgiving week. 'Nuf said.

3. Penalty excuse. The theme about how the 49ers have been victimized so much this season continued with Maas lamenting about "all the penalties" called against the 49ers, especially on the road, as if to say a grand referee conspiracy was against the 49ers (ha!). Later a graphic was shown to enforce the point -- the problem was that the graphic showed the 49ers are 2nd in the NFL in false-start penalties -- a penalty that has nothing whatsoever to do with possible referee bias in that it's a no-brainer call with no wiggle room!

If you want to examine possible bias, note that the 49ers are in the bottom of the NFL in terms of total penalty yardage against them despite having so many false start penalties. This shows just how few referee"judgment call" penalties -- holding, pass interference, etc. -- have actually gone against the 49ers this season. Funny, Maas didn't mention that.

4. Close games excuse. Next the gang moved into whining about how the poor 49ers have been oh-so-close to winning several games this season. No epithets about horseshoes or hand-grenades here. Instead, it's now an Official Fact that the only reason the 49ers lost in St. Louis was because Cedric Wilson didn't take a knee and call timeout. Don't bother asking why it's a given that Jeff Chandler would have made the assumed game-winning kick -- after all, he was the 49ers' kicker cut in favor of the notorious Owen Pochman, who in turn is named as the scapegoat solely responsible for several other 49er losses -- just go with it and give the 49ers an extra win.

With such "facts" at their ready, Rosen wished, "If they would have just won half of those close games!" But really, they continued to rationalize not just half, but that the 49ers, if not for being wrongly victimized by luck and scapegoats and kickers, should be 11-0.

Minutes later the FOX crew threw up a graphic showing that the 49ers are only 5-7 despite having a +12 turnover differential, yet Rosen and Maas failed to incorporate this into their "close game" analysis. Everyone else with functioning grey matter deduced that as the only true reason there have been so many close games for the 49ers. If not for lucky turnovers, they'd be getting blown out -- as they were today.

5. Ignoring the double-standard. Following the cheesy interception where Ravens TE Todd Heap fell down allowing the overrated Tony Parrish a free catch, the 49ers wanted to challenge the spot at the one-yard line. A two minute discussion ensued, yet the 49ers were neither charged a timeout nor did it cost them a challenge. Rosen and Maas blissfully ignored this free 49ers challenge as if it's perfectly fine for an entire game to grind to a halt so we can all make sure the 49ers are getting more than their fair due (which is, of course, their birthright).

6. All negatives spun into gold. After a Garcia incompletion on 3rd down, Maas laughably praised Garcia and ignored the defensive stop. Maas even cheered the 49ers punter on the next play. Later, when Baltimore's Jamal Lewis steam-rolled over the pathetic Whiner defense for yet another first down on a 3rd-and-1, Maas praised Ahmed Plummer for making the tackle (three yards beyond the first down marker)! Rosen and Maas didn't seem aware that the Ravens were playing until the score was 44-6, then they acknowledged some positives from Baltimore's perspective.

7. More sickening 49ers. Coming back from a commercial, the FOX cameras focused on Julian Peterson for seemingly no reason whatsoever. Then the reason became clear: Maas had to mention yet another excuse -- Peterson had the flu earlier in the week -- which ergo explained his lack of camera time in any actual plays worth mentioning.

8. More hiding the truth of the 49ers. Maas expressed surprise that the Ravens were passing so much considering how awful the 49ers' played the run last week against the Packers, which is very telling about Maas' knowledge of the 49ers. Baltimore was passing because the SF secondary is one of the worst in the NFL and they have no pass rush. All you have to do is pick up the blitz and you get free TDs.

9. More injury excuses. In addition to focusing on worthless injuries to the offensive line, Rosen and Maas dredged up the name Eric Johnson, the 49ers mediocre tight end who missed this season due to injury, as if that absence had any relevance whatsoever 14 weeks into the season. Then they tried the injury to Jamie Winborn as an excuse -- Maas said, "They miss him right now." Funny, we don't remember Maas saying Baltimore missed any of their injured players, or saying anything about them having to go with their third-string quarterback due to injuries. No, all we got was the listing of Garcia's previous injuries this year and of course terming everything wrong with him now due to him being "rusty".

10. Supporting the punk. After Owens went into a tizzy fit that he didn't get a flag for defensive holding, Rosen almost cried after yelling out "Oh, he did [hold]!" during the replay. After the ensuing punt, the Ravens fumbled the snap to give the 49ers a turnover deep in their territory, and a smug Maas remarked, "Sometimes things have a way of working themselves out," as if the gall of the refs to not protect The Almighty Owens with a flag meant the 49ers were entitled to a turnover in order for it to be fair. But all the impotent 49ers managed was a field goal, their last points of the game, so yeah, Mr. Maas, things do have a way of working themselves out.

11. Root on the Bandwagon. Rosen got overly excited and yelled out the Vikings tied up the Rams at 17-17, as if rooting against the Rams alongside his 49er Bandwagon audience. But that game worked itself out, too. Sorry Sam.

12. Wishful thinking. When Marcus Robinson pulled in a 38-yard touchdown to start the rout at 17-6, Maas was shouting "Flag down!" before the play was even over. Too bad, it was on the 49ers defense, and Maas' wishful thinking for the touchdown to be called back -- or his expectation, considering how many have gone the 49ers' way in the past -- was for naught.

13. Hype the image. Maas even threw in a comment about the idiotic 49ers "script of plays" to start a game. No, Maas didn't mention it to show how the lame 49er coaching staff hadn't come up with a touchdown despite this "magical script", but only as irrelevant, useless hype. Maas mentioned that it is 19 plays long "in a tribute to Unitas." Of course, we all know that the 19 has nothing to do with honoring Unitas -- it was just a disgusting P.R. ploy the Niners came up with to capitalize on Unitas' death. Maas didn't mention that side of it.

14. Road warriors. At this point Maas' tank was running towards empty, so he simply declared "The road is tough enough," as if the poor adversity-struck 49ers couldn't possibly be expected to win on the road, and certainly not under such amazing duress never before seen in the NFL.

15. More support of the punk. Trying to work Owens into the game as much as possible (his three receptions on the day made it hard), Maas gave the company line in regard to offensive coordinator Greg Knapp's reaction to the embarrassing spectacle of Owens yelling at him on the sidelines a few weeks back. Maas regurgitated Knapp's weak rationalization that "other players have yelled at him, too".

Is it really just that hard for any member of the media to simply voice the real opinion every sane person shares on this, that Knapp is a coward for taking that crap from a wussy little punk like Owens, and Owens deserved to be suspended for it?

Coming out of the tunnel after halftime, Ravens coach Brian Billick was interviewed and it was mentioned, "You've been able to stop Owens" -- as if we were all supposed to exclaim "Oooh!" or "Wow!" or "That's impossible!" Fact is, most of the NFL has figured out Owens' little 2-yard dink, run-after-the-catch game this year, and he's always been inconsequential to any meaningful game.

16. The standard of excellence. When Baltimore DL Adalius Thomas stuffed one run, Maas still insisted on calling it from the 49ers' perspective, claiming "And that's Garrison Hearst!" that he tackled -- as if only the Chosen Few in the NFL can possibly tackle the Great Hearst, so Thomas was thus having a great game.

17. The Soliloquy. Finally, with 2:15 left in the third quarter, Maas stood on a soapbox and orated to all the excuse-hungry Bandwagon fans just about to switch off their TVs:

At this point, the FOX director was probably confused whether to pipe in violins or the Star Spangled Banner. The rest of us were sitting wondering why such obtuse stats were being perverted into trying to "prove" the 49ers defense is among "best ever" proportions. We were also wondering where exactly the only actual good defense on the field ranked -- you know, the Ravens? Remember them? The team that was actually WINNING, 44-6? Can you imagine the smooching had the 49ers actually won this game? Actually, win or lose, the smooching is pretty much the same. This broadcast proves it.

18. Spin some props. Rosen followed up Maas' soliloquy by solemnly stating, "Jim Mora -- the defensive coordinator," then paused as if waiting for us all to bow down in a moment of silence in honor of Mora for assembling such a wondrous feast for our eyes. Funny, some defensive coaches worry about being fired after giving up 44 points, but Mora embarked on the talk show circuit during the week after the game, humbly listening to all the praise heaped on him by the "experts" at KNBR about how none of it was his or the defense's fault.

Maas continued to find time to give other 49ers props, too, mentioning Plummer was "coming into his own." Yeah, if "his own" means "a little bit better than the awful guy starting on the other side", we agree.

19. The Soliloquy II. When Garcia clanged the INT off his lineman's head, Maas busted out the soapbox again. First, he implied the interception wasn't Garcia's fault because "he didn't mean to throw it." Then it was time to give a speech excusing everything wrong with the offense this time: "The 49ers offense has given so many opportunities ... they've just given to Baltimore."

Funny, all throughout the year, we hear how the great 49ers defense has "takeaways", but when their opponent finally gets some of the same breaks in their favor, they are "givens". Who says there's a 49er double-standard? To complete the soliloquy, when Garcia was yanked in favor of Rattay, Maas just summed it up as a "tough day" for someone "rusty from three weeks off."

20. All bad luck. By now Rosen must have felt left out with all of Maas' hogging of the smooching spotlight because he delivered the final blow, actually declaring "an unbelievable run of bad luck and bad plays" as the entire cause the 49ers are a worthless 0-6 on the road. At least the rest of the planet realizes that it's because the 49ers are a gutless, heartless pretender.

It seems incredible that all this smooching could happen in just one game -- and a game where the 49ers were blown out, 44-6! -- but it's true. Pop the tape in your VCR. Just be sure you do it on an empty stomach. That's because even worse than this smooching was the overall spirit of Rosen and Maas, and the broadcast in general, in being unadulterated, biased 49er apologists, rooting for them throughout.

This spirit was evident when Maas growled "This isn't the BCS" when Billick, facing a 4th-and-9 from the 23, decided on a field goal to put the Ravens up 37-6 -- as if such a kick with 11:41 remaining was running up the score. Clearly, Maas was simply personally hurt by more points being tacked on against his lovable Niners. Imagine what he would have said if Baltimore went for it and scored a touchdown (which they would have).

Finally, there was a holding called against the 49ers with 11:32 left that broke Maas' back. He went off on a sobbing tantrum against referee Jerry Austin for the audacity of not throwing out the rule book when the 49ers were down: "Oh come on, Jerry! I mean, what the heck? Everybody in the stadium is beating up on the 49ers, you don't have to jump on the pile!"

Could you ever imagine such a statement being made to defend the Cowboys? The Raiders?

No, only the 49ers have such amazing displays of announcers rooting and smooching, and this was just par for the course of what Niner-haters have had to endure over the years -- and a far cry from how many items would be listed back in their so-called "glory days" of the '80s.

Just to be fair, we should point out the only good from the booth, which was when they noted just how pathetic Owens was right before halftime, when instead of turning up field for a first down, he ran out of bounds like a little girl so as to avoid a hit from Ray Lewis. Maas even accurately noted at the very end that the 49ers are a team without leaders, whereas the Ravens have guys like Lewis. Of course, Rosen threw in that Erickson coached Lewis in college at Miami, so even this rare moment of lucidity was ruined by a ridiculous stretch to give the 49ers any credit whatsoever.

The Bandwagon Reaction

As with every loss, watching the fallout of the Bandwagon is just as fun as watching the game itself. The media's reaction ranged from shock to confusion to anger, from denial to excuses to throwing in the towel, and all of it was enveloped by a morose cloud of bitterness.

There's way to much to ridicule about the reaction from the clueless Bandwagon now lost, but for example, one could only laugh out loud that the Chronicle is still bewildered here in week 14 that "Erickson's deep threat offense still hasn't materialized." Gee, considering Garcia can't even throw a pass above his own linemen's helmets without it ricocheting for an INT, big surprise he can't complete a pass more than two yards downfield.

There was even whining about the Ravens running up the score. When the Ravens completed a 33-yard pass with four minutes left, Mora yelled across the field at Baltimore's coaches. "He's done that to me before," whined Mora about Billick.

Of course, this is the same Billick who, when he won the Super Bowl, was mentioned as being one of Bill Walsh's proteges. Funny, no mention of that now, but perhaps someone should ask, maybe Billick's lack of class is just part of "Finding the Winning Edge" (the name of the book he co-authored with Walsh)?

To conclude, if the 49ers were going to save their season, everything was set up perfectly according to the 49er Script. The Ravens were primed for an emotional letdown following their crazy OT win over Seattle and big division showdown with Cinci next week. The weather even cooperated once again in this unique year of potentially snow-laded, late-season road games for the 49ers. Even Mr. MVP Pro Bowler Garcia was back to right the Bandwagon. Instead, his performance epitomized his career in meaningful situations -- and the team's performance epitomized the 49ers franchise.

A word of caution to this tale, however. The 49ers return home next week to face an even worse team, the Cardinals, and there's already talk of how it will be a game for the 49ers to "vent their frustrations", so expect all that's wrong to be cured and the Bandwagon to linger on yet another week. But the truth is it will be a no-win scenario game for the 49ers. There's no upside to blowing out a pathetic team, but there's a huge possible downside with the possible embarrassment if Arizona plays them even somewhat competitive. But, hey, we're getting used to the 49ers embarrassing themselves.

What can you say about a team that in 12 games has lost the turnover battle just twice, and overall stands +11 in turnover differential? Amazingly lucky?

Now what can you say about that same team that is 5-7 despite that unbelievable luck?

It's hard to put into words, but just like so many other years this 49er team is an overrated pretender. Imagine how bad they would be without so many gift turnovers. True, nobody is picking the 49ers to go to the Super Bowl any more, but the idiotic excuses we are hearing that the 49ers have been unlucky despite this amazing luck that has masked their stench is simply galling.

49ers 50, Cardinals 14

BANDWAGON GETS THEIR MEANINGLESS WIN

December 8, 2003 (NHS) -- The 49ers got their meaningless win against the worst team in the NFL thanks to the Cardinals completely rolling over, as expected. Certainly, it must have been nice for the Bandwagon to see their classy 49ers taking their usual joy in their cowardly tradition of being world-beaters against weaklings then celebrating it as if they just liberated Iraq. But overall, since nobody outside the Bandwagon watched, it rates as a big, fat, "Who cares?"

In addition, it was the best possible result that 49er-haters could dream. As you know, Jeff Garcia's contract is a ridiculous "Bill Walsh special" -- a shortsighted, idiotic structure that makes it impossible for the 49ers to trade or cut Garcia without taking a ten million dollar hit on their salary cap. The 49ers' obvious plan after this season was to ask Garcia to renegotiate his contract to stay with the team. But thanks to this "best ever" performance, the price of that restructure just went up a couple more million against their cap. Or perhaps the Bandwagon front office will now be convinced that Garcia is Just That Good and they will bring him back for a couple more years of padding his stats in meaningless games and always choking when it matters. Hey, if he makes the Pro Bowl -- a barometer that's about as reliable as college football rankings -- that's all that matters, right?

December 15, 2003 (NHS) -- Well, it was bound to happen. With an unprecedented four late road games into Midwest and East Coast sites this season, the 49ers were going to see some rough weather. And after lucking out with downright cozy temperatures at Green Bay and Baltimore, they ran into a blizzard in Cincinnati --both in terms of the white stuff falling from sky and under the legs of 225 rushing yards from the Bengals.

The Niners defense was flat-out flattened by the Cincinnati running game, even despite Corey Dillon's ineffectiveness due to a team-wide flu. Certainly, turnovers had a big say in providing the difference in this game (just the third time all year that the 49ers gave up more turnovers than their opponent), but when it came down to it, the 49ers defense simply stunk it up. Rudi Johnson ran wild for 174 yards and 2 touchdowns, including one huge run where the 49ers completely folded on a 4th-and-inches. The 49ers defense was so bad, so gutless, so dominated, that it allowed the 49ers to become the first team ever to let the Bengals win when giving up 38 points or more.

While we know it won't happen, this game should end the ridiculous opinions by the so-called "experts" out there that point to the rankings and claim the Niners' defense is a "bright spot in an otherwise dismal season". Hopefully, all the morons -- and this means you, Chris Mortensen -- naming the pathetic boob that runs the 49ers defense, a.k.a. Jim Mora, Jr., as a possible head coach candidate will shut their pie-holes.

Fact is, the 49ers defense was ranked 8th against the run due to circumstances and playing a lot of bad rushing teams. Fact is, the 49ers defense is not a "bright spot", it's an overrated pretender, a mediocre-at-best squad that's laid down like dogs anytime they've been asked to handle any kind of adversity (see: giving up a losing 90-yard drive against Cleveland, at home even).

"But what about the close score?" the Bandwagon will wail. Yes, it was a lot closer than it needed to be thanks to 21 fourth quarter points by the 49ers. It was as if Marvin Lewis studied the poster the Bengals handed out to the first 30,000 fans, commemorating the 1988 Cincinnati team, because just like the idiots in that Super Bowl, the Bengals dropped into a soft prevent with the goal of letting the 49ers steal an unearned win.

No doubt coming oh-so-close will have the Bandwagon spinning yarns of course, like "See? They do have heart on the road! They put up a good fight!" They will cry (whine) that only the bad luck of fumbles cost them this game. "It was only 41-38! Garcia was great!" will be the refrain, "And did you see Owens' great touchdown?"

500 yards of offense for the Niners. Turnovers were the only difference. On Garcia, on Owens. On Barlow, on Peterson, on Plummer, on Beasely. We know, we know, they're all the "best ever", they're all going to the Pro Bowl.

And that's when it hits you. There truly aren't any bright spots left for the 49ers this season -- not even moral victories, not individual ones. That's because the better the individuals do -- i.e., the more the pro-49er media spins the meaningless stats of certain 49ers -- the more it hurts the future of the team. Let Garcia, Owens, Barlow, Peterson and the rest of the overrated crew put up 500 yards every game, shut out their opponents and convince the fools out there they are Just That Good, because all it means is that they, individually, will make even more unreasonable contract demands at the end of the year, and the 49ers won't be able to re-sign all of them.

Talent-wise, it's a wash. After all, if Peterson leaves, whatever mediocre linebacker is left will quickly become the next Defensive Player of the Year candidate in the eyes of the idiot Bandwagon, for example. But from the perspective of hating the 49ers -- which we certainly do -- we're going to be saying goodbye to a lot of arrogant, overrated players that we hate. It will be all smiles watching these fan-favorites march towards the exit, along with more "faithful" paraphernalia getting tossed into the closet.

We said it before, and we'll say it again: it's the most wonderful time of the year. And maybe the most wonderful time ever to be a 49er-hater.

December 22, 2003 (NHS) -- "The best thing for the 49ers would be to get rid of the cancer that is dragging them to the depths of the standings, and that disease is Owens."

December 28, 2003 (NHS) -- Dennis Erickson's never had a winning season in his NFL coaching career, but he could have avoided a losing season by finishing at least a mediocre 8-8. Too bad he's with the 49ers instead of an organization with some heart or leadership that would be willing to play for pride.

While several other bad teams rose to the occasion to play spoiler in this last week of NFL action, the 49ers couldn't avoid ending the season officially as losers at 7-9, getting dumped at home by the playoff-bound, division-rival Seahawks. This even despite once again having the luxury of a 3:1 turnover ratio. Yes, it was a microcosm of the entire season -- the only thing the 49ers had going for them were lucky turnovers -- and even those couldn't make up for their overall lack of talent. It was only enough to make the score seem close. Perhaps the 49ers could have won if not for a completely gutless decision to kick a field goal before halftime instead of going for a touchdown, which resulted in the biggest fan reaction of the day -- a chorus of boos from the so-called 49er "faithful". All in all, the game was a perfect conclusion and statement of this year.

And now, all the real fans of the real teams in the NFL can enjoy a 49er-free postseason once again, complete with the knowledge that the offseason will bring all the usual whining, excuses, and "sky is falling" exits of perhaps many of the most overrated pretenders off of the 49ers.

2003 Game Summaries

49ers 49, Bears 7

PERFECT SET-UP INAUGURATES ERICKSON ERA

Rams 27, 49ers 24

DUMB LUCK
Same Old Rams fumble and bumble, but 49ers' stupidity reigns

Browns 13, 49ers 12

49ERS EXPOSED, HUMILIATED BY AFC'S WORST

Vikings 35, 49ers 7

GUS WHO'S THE REAL PRETENDER?

49ers 24, Lions 17

MOOCH LEARNS THE SCRIPT

Seahawks 20, 49ers 19

49ERS FUMBLE THE SCRIPT

49ers 24, Bucs 7

BANDWAGON REVIVAL!

Cardinals 16, 49ers 13

BANDWAGON REVIVAL IS SHORT-LIVED

49ers 30, Rams 10

FACADE CLINGS TO LIFE AS CHEESE FACTOR NOT EVEN NOTICED

49ers 30, Steelers 14

ONE BIG HAPPY FARCE

Packers 20, 49ers 10

ANOTHER WIN FOR THE NHS

NHS Annual Gathering Wins Again

Ravens 44, 49ers 6

THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

49er-Smooching 101

The Bandwagon Reaction

49ers 50, Cardinals 14

BANDWAGON GETS THEIR MEANINGLESS WIN

Bengals 41, 49ers 38

NO BRIGHT SPOTS LEFT FOR BANDWAGON

49ers 31, Eagles 28

SAY IT AIN'T SO: 49ERS BETTER OFF WITHOUT OWENS

Seahawks 24, 49ers 17

NOT EVEN MEDIOCRE

2003 Game Summaries

49ers 49, Bears 7

PERFECT SET-UP INAUGURATES ERICKSON ERA

Rams 27, 49ers 24

DUMB LUCK Same Old Rams fumble and bumble, but 49ers' stupidity reigns

Browns 13, 49ers 12

49ERS EXPOSED, HUMILIATED BY AFC'S WORST

Vikings 35, 49ers 7

GUS WHO'S THE REAL PRETENDER?

49ers 24, Lions 17

MOOCH LEARNS THE SCRIPT

Seahawks 20, 49ers 19

49ERS FUMBLE THE SCRIPT

49ers 24, Bucs 7

BANDWAGON REVIVAL!

Cardinals 16, 49ers 13

BANDWAGON REVIVAL IS SHORT-LIVED

49ers 30, Rams 10

FACADE CLINGS TO LIFE AS CHEESE FACTOR NOT EVEN NOTICED

49ers 30, Steelers 14

ONE BIG HAPPY FARCE

Packers 20, 49ers 10

ANOTHER WIN FOR THE NHS

NHS Annual Gathering Wins Again

Ravens 44, 49ers 6

THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

49er-Smooching 101

The Bandwagon Reaction

49ers 50, Cardinals 14

BANDWAGON GETS THEIR MEANINGLESS WIN

Bengals 41, 49ers 38

NO BRIGHT SPOTS LEFT FOR BANDWAGON

49ers 31, Eagles 28

SAY IT AIN'T SO: 49ERS BETTER OFF WITHOUT OWENS

Seahawks 24, 49ers 17

NOT EVEN MEDIOCRE

DUMB LUCK
Same Old Rams fumble and bumble, but 49ers' stupidity reigns