49ers 24, Cardinals 10

BANDWAGON TAKES CREDIT FOR GIFTS

September 28, 1999 (NHS) -- Guess we won't be hearing any more talk of Bill Walsh calling Jake Plummer the "next Joe" in the near future.

In a Monday Night filled with ugliness, perhaps the ugliest sight of all was Plummer, a.k.a the "next Joe Montana" according to Bill Walsh and media hype leading up to the game. At times you had to cover your eyes from the pathetic showing -- not just the interceptions, which now total 9 for young Jake in this young season-- but the complete lack of poise, displayed most blatantly when he rocketed a pitch to his running back that was promptly fumbled, killing a potential touchdown-scoring drive. This, despite that the stage was set perfectly for Plummer to shine and prove Walsh the "Genius" he purports to be.

In the end, it was not to be, as Plummer and the Cardinals flamed out under the prime-time spotlight in the Arizona desert. But don't feel bad for Walsh; it's not like anyone is going to actually accuse him of being wrong. All along it was a no-lose proposition. Had things turned out otherwise - if Arizona won or Plummer played well -- we would still be reading about how "the Genius" told you Plummer was "the next Joe". Funny how mum's the word when "the Genius" is wrong.

49er win? Nope: Arizona loss

As you know, the NHS always gives credit when credit is due. For example, Jerry Rice's touchdown was excellent - a legitimate pattern that faked Corey Chavous out of his jock. It is the first legitimate touchdown Rice has scored, since ... well, we can't remember, it's been so long. Certainly, Chavous is only in his second year and was toasted repeatedly on the day, but Rice deserves credit for playing actual football for a change, instead of running that cheesy slant or 2-yard out that has defined his correspondingly-cheesy career.

The question looming after this game is, does Frisco deserve credit for this win? The Bandwagon is insisting on it -- after all, Arizona was a playoff team last year and the 49ers won on the road. But unfortunately for the 49ers, their fans and the media, when one takes a close look at the game, the resounding answer is that the 49ers deserve little to no credit for this win.

The Cardinals were painful to watch; a deer caught in the headlights of the Monday Night prime-time stage. Clearly, this was a team overcome by the fear of losing on national T.V. instead of concentrating on winning. "I think it kind of overwhelmed us," said Simeon Rice. "These are virgin grounds for us. We just didn't do what we needed to do in this spectacle of an event."

The defense came out tight, allowing the 49ers' nonexistent running game to be successful. Arizona fumbled the ball four times (losing two) and Plummer threw two interceptions. Two of the turnovers were deep in Cardinal territory, essentially gifting the 49ers the 14-point margin of victory. To add insult to injury, one of the fumbles was recovered in the 49ers end zone, erasing 7 more points. "They got two turnovers and two touchdowns," said coach Vince Tobin, "Basically that was the ballgame."

While agreed to an extent, an argument can be made that it was Tobin and his coaching staff that decided the ballgame -- in the 49ers' favor. Despite the freebies, Arizona closed to17-10 in the fourth quarter, a testament to the actual skill level of the 49ers. It looked like the Cards were marching to tie the score when offensive coordinator (and former 49er) Marc Trestman inexplicably decided to attempt to run out the clock. Sure, Plummer was playing poorly and two of the Cardinals' top receivers were out due to injury, but this is the 49ers' secondary we're talking about, perhaps the worst in the NFL, so deciding to establish the running game when needing two scores in the 4th quarter instead of striking downfield might not have been that smart. Needless to say, Trestman's "strategy" of refusing to challenge his former team failed.

Even worse was the decision by Tobin to punt with less than three minutes to go in the ballgame. Talk about having no faith in your offense. Even worse, it was no faith in Plummer. Jake's reputation is for pulling out magical comebacks, and he was in the perfect position to do just that. Instead, Plummer sat the rest of the game on the sidelines where the odds of a magical comeback were absolute zero. The Cardinal defense obviously took Tobin's decision as a sign the game was over and allowed Lawrence Phillips his garbage-time TD.

Getting back to the question at issue, it is clear the 49ers did little to earn this game and therefore deserve no credit. The Cards showed they have superior talent, especially on defense, but no team can win with such jittery rookie mistakes, substandard coaching and poor quarterback play.

The Bandwagon, of course, has been waiting for the 49ers to "get back on track", so they would have none of this reality silliness. The San Jose Mercury trumpeted the "Big Win". The San Francisco Chronicle insisted, "These are the victories teams measure themselves by, when character is established." The Associated Press called the 49ers "overpowering with Steve Young". Let's see, Young was 13-23 for 92 whole yards, 1 TD and 1 INT. "Overpowering"??

Bandwagon fallacies notwithstanding, the 49ers have not established character, big wins, or anything else of value. On the season, the 49ers, in three games, have just three touchdown drives of over 50 yards. One of those was the referee-aided drive against the Saints, the other was Phillips' final run against the Cardinals. In short, the 49ers have put together only one legitimate scoring drive the entire year. So pardon us if we don't celebrate the 49ers as Super Bowl contenders just yet.

But what about Steve Mariucci and local sports talk shows crooning about beating "a playoff team on the road"? Take a look at Denver, Atlanta, Minnesota and the Jets - being a playoff team LAST YEAR has quickly become old news and doesn't define greatness. When (if) Arizona proves they are a winning team THIS YEAR, then we'll talk. Until then, all the 49ers "proved" is that they are probably better than Philly, the only team that has lost to the Cards.

Young: warrior or actor?

Here we go again, another year of Steve Young receiving accolades for being a over-dramatic wussy.

You know what we're talking about -- Young gets hit, he falls down, he lays on the ground for a while, he limps off, he returns to announcers speaking of his great "toughness", "magically" he plays as if he was never injured, he's a "hero", yada, yada, yada ...

The latest episode, where Young (6'2", 205 lbs.) was supposedly knocked out after getting caught between two tiny defensive backs (J.J. McCleskey, 5'8", 180 lbs. and Aeneas Williams, 5'11", 200 lbs.), was mild at worst. Neither struck his head, so it is unknown why Young would black-out. It appeared that Young's head seemed to brush Dave Fiore's knee on the way down, but Fiore didn't recall that when asked about it afterwards, evidencing that was not the cause of a traumatic head injury which would result in black-out.

The incident leaves two possible takes: (1) Young wasn't really hurt that bad and was faking it to build his "tough guy" image; or (2) the tiny DBs -- who combined couldn't reach the weight of your average lineman -- actually did knock him out, in which case he is simply an overrated wussy.

The reasons we would suggest duplicity on Young's part is that the 49ers have a history of lying about injuries (remember the statement that Rice's knee injury was "unrelated" to him coming back too early?), the fact doctors initially stated he did not have a concussion only to reverse themselves when Young did not return, and that Young walked off after such a dramatic show.

And what a show it was: because he lay with a camera zooming in, showing his eyes closed, the imagery suggests it was the Worst Hit Inflicted Upon Mankind, and only a true "warrior" like Young could Arise from it. After years of seeing the same thing over and over, it can no longer be asked if Young is tough -- we know he's not. Tough guys don't get repeatedly knocked-out or limp around -- real tough guys never let you know they are injured. Therefore, we're left wondering, is Young truly injured or did he ham it up for the national audience? Guess we'll see - after all, Young all but promised that if he received one more concussion he would retire.

Al & Boomer live up to billing

If you're a 49er-hater and you are watching Monday Night Football with the volume on, we respect your hardy constitution. The "insightful" commentary from Al Michaels and "Boomer" Esiason is about as enjoyable as a root canal.

We here at the NHS, who have to bear it in order to bring you these game reviews, approach it as if we were watching "When Animals Attack"; we make a game of it, asking how grotesque is it going to be? And just like a bad FOX special, Al & Boomer didn't disappoint again -- their ass-kissing was sloppy, drippy and constant.

We're not just talking about the blatantly disgusting stuff, like how they "understand" that Steve Young is "an amazing human being", or that the 49ers are "the Holy Roman Empire of the NFL", but also the stuff they try to slip in. For example, when a 49er punt took an Arizona bounce, it was labeled a "bad" bounce, but when a later punt when the 49ers' way, it was "a San Francisco hop."

The most hilarious moment came when Al and Boomer were creaming over Young's supposed toughness just before the second half opened, concluding Steve is just so great that he is "indestructible". Seconds later, Lesley Kisser -- er, Visser -- announced Young was not coming back. Hmm, indestructible? Al and Boomer quickly changed the subject.

The lighter side

Okay, raise your hands: how many of you 49er fans caught yourself cheering a woman-beater? Yes, we're talking about the Thug, Lawrence Phillips, and his "best ever" run to end the game. As for more comedy, how about J.J. Chokes getting slapped with an unsportsmanlike penalty after throwing yet another tissy-fit? We may have to change his nickname to J.J. Jokes.

Finally, a word on the relief of 49er-haters everywhere that the 49ers won. Why would we be relieved? Could you imagine the Bandwagon whining if they lost without Steve Young? It's almost better to have them win than to stomach that.

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