The Urge to Glurge

As 49ers deflate, Bandwagon can't resist blowing up the past into more than it was

October 6, 2004 (NHS) --

Glurge: something meant to be inspirational but which undermines the message by fabricating and distorting historical fact.

See also: everything written about the 49ers' not-too-distant past.

With the 49ers 0-4, all good Whiner fans everywhere are packing up their gaudy satin gold jackets and big, stupid, pin-studded hats and calling it quits on the 2004 season. All that's left now are the pats on the backs between all the Niner "faithful" for being so "die-hard" for sticking out these four whole games -- and, of course, the wistful pining away about just oh-how-Best Ever the Niners used to be.

The San Jose Mercury signaled that official transition on Wednesday, October 6, 2004, with the story entitled, "49ers Legends on the fall of their dynasty". Yep, that's right -- the media has nothing better to do than grab a bunch of quotes from ex-Niners whining about the current state of things.

With the 49ers' schedule serving up (as usual) three very winnable games against the lowly Cardinals, Bears, and upstart Jets -- as well as a bye-week to use to regroup -- it's not outlandish to think the 49ers could get right back into this season. But it's obviously more important to the Bandwagon to instead obsess about the "fall" of the "once proud dynasty" than to show any faith in their team. It certainly is a sad statement on the pathetic nature of your typical Niner fan (which, of course, the media reflects -- or is it the other way around?). And even more pathetic is their attempt in vain when times get tough to give up on the present and bastardize any sort of truth about the 49ers' past.

The concept is known as "glurge". Coined by the Snopes.com urban legends website, it refers to the retching sensation one gets when reading one of those sappy chain emails which conceal much darker meanings than the uplifting moral lessons they purport to offer. In the sports world, we have 49er Glurge, where every article ostensibly written for a seemingly benign purpose is actually self-serving of the "best ever" Bandwagon mentality we know so well.

Take, for example, the myriad appalling preseason articles in September across the nation that ostensibly were about the expected "fall of the 49ers" this season. They weren't really about the upcoming season -- their true, insidious purpose was simply to stroke off the memory of their beloved Niner "heroes" of the past. Such articles were widespread, but here's a couple examples:

September 2, 2004, Dallas Morning News: "49ers' golden years are long gone" by Rick Gosselin. Ugh. Every single Bandwagon stereotype contained within one article. Incidentally, Mr. Gosselin also wrote an article on the 49ers' Best Ever "streak" of consecutive games scoring a point streak before the shutout! -- thus prompting the question, why the hell is this Niner-ass-kisser in Dallas? Shouldn't he write at least one article about the Cowboys instead of the Niners?
September 6, 2004, Sacramento Bee: "49ers' reinvention teems with necessity" by Marcos Bretón. Probably the most shining example of glurge thanks to that retching feeling that you get when reading such blather.

Then there's that October 6th article in the Mercury, as mentioned above. While on the surface this article purports to be about former 49ers simply discussing how bad the current 0-4 team is, the actual meaning that the newspaper wants the reader to take away is just how "best ever" those "legends" and those 49er teams of old used to be. The phrases bandied about of the tragedy of the "once proud franchise" and "49ers greats find it hard to watch" aren't about how awful the present is -- they're about spinning the past into a fictional, unmatched standard of Best Ever Excellence -- as if that has any relevance at all to the 2004 season.

The latest surge -- or glurge -- in nostalgia was highlighted with the ridiculous hype surrounding the end of the 49ers' streak of consecutive games scoring a point. We already pointed out the idiocy of this pointless trivia being perverted into something meaningful, but the Bandwagon simply won't let it go. The Merc's October 6th article still contained many quotes about it, including one former 49er being "stunned when he heard about the end of the team's scoring streak".

For crying out loud, that little streak was over on September 25th -- over 10 days ago. Get a life, already. And why, exactly, was he "stunned"? Because the Niners are Just That Best Ever that they deserve -- according to their birthright -- to score every game?

This arrogance is appalling, yet bops along undaunted in the media's glurge. For the Bandwagon, it's not enough to simply sum up the state of things as, "Well, we had a good run, and now it's over." Instead, woven into all is an outlandish overrating of everything and anything the 49ers did. Instead of taking whatever success they had at face value -- or heaven forbid at least in the perspective of overall professional football history -- everything gets perverted into the fiction of being The Best Ever, as if all football was invented in 1981.

In a word, glurge.

So here's a few points to remember if you come across that loser Niner fan wallowing in the glurge, speaking in solemn reverence of the Passing Of The Dynasty as if 49ers have been the most respected and successful franchise in NFL history and it's a crime against nature that they now suck:

a. They don't have the most championships won, the best winning percentage, the most playoff appearances, or any meaningful historical franchise record. Yes, this will shock your typical Bandwagoner that believes Super Bowl wins against the Bengals, Bengals and Chargers is the end all, be all definition of Best Ever -- but gently remind them pro football championships were won long before the fancy name "Super Bowl" came along in the '60s -- then walk away;

b. They based their success on a cowardly, dink-pass offense that only succeeded because of NFL rules changes (no coincidence that the only other teaming running it in 1981 also reached the Super Bowl); and

c. Their organization was led by a bribing, gambling, convicted felon who's spending was worse than the Yankees. Their so-called "legends", like Steve Young, intentionally and purposefully cheated the salary cap, a crime much worse than anything Pete Rose ever did to baseball. Since their cheating was exposed and they've been forced to spend at the same level of everyone else, they haven't won diddly-squat.

'Nuf said.

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